Homesick

Coming back to TLoTH after winter break is a pinch to the left of unbearable. It does not cover it to say “I had a good time” or “I enjoyed seeing my friends.” It was more the pain of hearing someone say “Welcome Home” at shul the night before I left. I don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve written, I didn’t need to. Writing is a hobby of pain and instability. Editing is a hobby for sober, normal people. Maybe I’ll edit things one day.

Random poll, actually. If I turned the story of the past year into a book using material from my blog, but more…cohesive, would buy it?

I’ve been thinking a lot about publishing. If I do anything like a New Year’s resolution, it’s more like a mix of intention setting and goal making. My dream possibility for the year is to publish 4 times.

Publication 1: Turn my work at TLoTH into a paper for a peer-reviewed journal. Embrace the expertise and knowledge of my mentors and glean experience where they care. Even if I don’t have anything interesting to say, I will go through the process of putting together a manuscript and figuring out where to submit it.

Publication 2: Publish my thesis. I will have to draft the manuscript on my own but hopefully my inevitable return to the Sunny State will give me proximity to the professors I worked with at Big American U. I realize I can publish my work without them, but I’m not sure I want to burn the bridge with quite that many fireworks.

Publication 3: Already in editing stages. It’s a museum display I researched, wrote and designed for my department at BAU. It needs to be readable to the public but also accurate. Proximity, again, can help me push it into a printed reality. Once it’s up, I plan on entering it in a competition for museum labels. Because why the fuck not?

Publication 4: Turn blog into book. This is the most challenging and possibly the least relevant to my career. I do not deceive myself and think that I can put together and publish a book in year. However, I can commit to spend 5 hours a week (at least) to working on it. I need to research how the industry works, how to reach my target audience (women in undergrad STEM programs? Millenials interested in what actually happens when you land a “relevant” job that requires relocation? Ex’s interested in what’s become of my life?-OK, that one’s not enough of a pool to break even on material so…meh). If it becomes possible to up the allotted time to 20 hours a week, I’d totally be up for that.

My intention for my return to the Key Route City was originally to work part time and use the rest of my productive time researching relevant grad programs. I plan to take a GRE prep course because even looking at the prep book makes me nearly shut down with anxiety.  I can’t do grad school alone. I can’t be so alone with my depression and expect to move forward. I need to be home.

However, this optimistic and selfish plan may not work out. It kinda hinged on PartnerPenguin being BreadWinner#1 for a bit. Unfortunamently, the company PartnerPenguin’s been working for laid him off the Monday before Christmas. He doesn’t seem to be taking it very personally but I guess it’s harder for me to be super chill about it. He’s good at saving (I’m not) so we’ll be all right for a while. We’re still going to Europe after my term at TLoTH. I’m just going to be broke and he’ll be coasting. We’ll return stateside with both of us unemployed, so that’s pretty non-ideal. So if I do write a book, I have to decide how it will help with my career or else abandon the fancy.

But honestly, 3 publications all geology in subject is a pretty fucking lofty goal to meet anyway.

My New Years approach to tending depression is as follows:

Before any interaction with a computer:

*Mindfulness/meditation for 2 minutes

*Read a book 5-10 pages

*Address physiological needs like eating and stretching.

If I start to feel anxious, especially if I find myself compulsively checking Facebook—MAKE SOMETHING! I’m trying to be less judgmental about finishing things (it’s happened once this past year) and just produce.

Here is my current book list, if you’re interested. Yes, I read all of them at once.

*Social Blunders by Tim Sandlin

*Every Time I Find theMeaning of Life, They Change It by Daniel Klein

*Cryptonomicon by Neal Stevenson

* “Breasts” by Stuart Dybak (Best American Short Stories 2004)

*Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

In case I didn’t emphasize enough you NEED to read Come As You Are. Especially if you are a woman. Or have sex with women. Gay men would also probably appreciate the information. The thing I like/appreciate is that the author explains some of the ways I’m deeply messed up with words I understand in an order I haven’t heard before. It is deeply validating to read that I am not alone. That things I’ve just assumed were broken within me are actually normal human responses. This book, combined with Brene Brown’s have actually changed how I view myself. For the better.

Apropos to nothing, here is a ladle dinosaur drinking out of my glass.

 

My current approach to grief is re-watching movies I like. Maybe you, the reader, feel like my use of “grief” is melodramatic. Well, fuck you. It feels like I am re-experiencing all of my traumatic up-rootings again and re-losing all of the stability a “home” provides. My favorite descriptor of experiencing grief is simply: “Grief herds.”

Every time one person dies, you may remember others who have passed. I’ve lost my home too many times so intentionally leaving it (read: him) elsewhere makes me feel completely lost again.

Anyway. For many reasons, Across The Universe is one of my favorite movies. It’s got some of the best drug scenes that are interesting but not claw-your-face-off-horrifying. ::ahem, Pink Floyd’s The Wall movie, ahem:: Bono is a singing Timothy Leary and fucking Eddie Izzard is the KING of ALL DRUGS. But the movie also has one of he most powerful grief storylines that I can stomach presently. (Up obviously wins but is entirely too heavy hitting right now. Ditto for Big Hero 6.) If you haven’t seen the film, there is a scene where they overlay “Let It Be” with a riot. It lose it every time. And Pandora, of course, cues up “Let It Be” on my Simon & Garfunkel station. Also, I give mad props for that movie because for the most part they filmed the songs on set. Thanks Blockbuster, for repeating that tidbit every 20 minutes for 8 hour shifts. Stunning singing and really masculine ballet.

I spent all of my money on sushi, burritos, sushirritos, Ethiopian food I can’t pronounce, papusas, ramen, pancakes, burgers’n’shakes and boba tea. So now I’m broke but everything was completely worth it. Here is a moment of inspiration from another movie I’ve been re-re-watching:

And of course, your musical education continues with these two drastically different pieces. Have a great week!

(Un)Para-socializing Myself

I have been using this blog wrong. I am not sure how to use it right, but I am now pretty convinced I am using it wrong right now. In fact, I feel that I am using most social media wrong. I have become a character, a persona through this medium. I am amusing to follow, I can evoke laughter and tears but I am alone. After two weeks living on my own, I am beginning to feel very very alone.

If you are not familiar with the term parasocial relationship please click the link for an in-depth explanation. Simply, it’s the type of relationship we form with celebrities where the masses feel like they “know” a person well but the celebrity has no direct contact with their constituents.

I hung out with one of my co-workers all day yesterday. She commented that if you are in TLoTH by yourself and you’re in your early twenties, it’s actually a horrible place if you don’t have a good friend or roommate (as she does). The restaurants close at 8 if you’re lucky, and the two bars close at 11 and midnight, respectively. There is a lot of outdoor activities like hiking, camping, backpacking and climbing but she observed that those activities are only fun if you’re with people. “It becomes kinda terrifying” if you go alone, she said.

I am really harsh on myself because I cannot hike a 20 mile day alone. I have no upper body strength and my wrist injury is not healed enough to even do plank for a whole minute (aside from the fact that my core isn’t strong enough for that either). That puts climbing out and I don’t have enough motivation to lift weights by myself at a gym. My body issues become my self-esteem and self-worth issues because it appears the only thing there is to do here is be outside. I have met some more “indoor” type people here but they are difficult to co-ordinate with. Or they have LAN parties late at night and I fall asleep on their couch, making an ass of myself.

I would like to point out that some people have been calling/emailing/responding and I cannot express enough gratitude. You have been helping me work through some of the problems I brought up last week and offered introductions and advice. I do not wish to diminish the impact of your actions, nor act like an emo teen. It is just very lonely here.

I also came to a really rough realization yesterday. I place my self-assessment of productivity on whether I have had successful social interactions in a day. I cleaned my entire house, including mopping the floors, all dishes, vacuum and laundry and I felt that my day was a complete waste and I did nothing.  I then went to a game night and had a good conversation with a wise man and all of a sudden it was a beautifully productive day in my mind.

While talking to PartnerPenguin I also ran into an insecurity that may be contributing to my auto-isolation. He asked why I don’t just pick up the damn phone and call people. I tearfully responded that I don’t want to interrupt people’s lives. I always feel like I am calling at the wrong time and people in my life have better things to be doing than talk to me. It wears on me that many people do not initiate communication with me. I understand. But it’s also hard to be the only one who reaches out. I learned from experience that you always loose 80% of the people you once hung out with when you move to a new place. But it hurts every time. And this time, I don’t have PartnerPenguing to keep me company so the loneliness just hits harder. It doesn’t help that everyone I know lives in a different time zone than me.

I am working actively on these issues. I am trying to acquire at least two hobbies, one soul enriching and one active. I am doing makeup for a play for the next couple weeks. The community theatre folks here are pretty cool so far. A good amount of them don’t take the play too seriously because after all it is “community fucking theatre” as one actress said. After I’m done makeup, I’ll be in two little shows that open in November. I have already met most of the other actors and they seem chill.

For the second activity, I’m looking into Roller Derby but am proceeding with caution since I have history of injuries with contact sports. I’m also working on the paperwork (WHY IS THERE SO MUCH PAPERWORK?) to sign up for the gym at work. I plan to do a yoga class there but I my concern with yoga is that it works on you as a person, not as a member of a team. I really want something that teaches me how to work with or alongside other people in an encouraging environment. One of my friends today mentioned Tai Kwon Do and I said I’d give it a shot if they joined me.

I am trying.

But the blog. I do not know what to do about the blog. I see a couple options but in all honesty, I am yearning for some audience participation on this one. Please tell me what you want; I do not know and I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job predicting.

1. Continue as is with my weekly postings. Try to make them shorter, easier to read.
2. Post multiple times a week. Less complete content but higher volume.
3. Take requests from my readers and talk about one topic. I’m thinking this could either go AMA style or questions could be related to being a Lady Scientist, being in my 20s, being fabulous, whatever. I don’t think I’m any good at advice so it wouldn’t be an advice column, just more directed blatherings.
4. Continue posting little essays each week.
5. Ask people on the mailing list how they are doing. Pick up the damn phone. Take more care to cultivate more interpersonal relationships instead of parasocial.

Additionally, I will be working to write on my own and use it as cognitive tool for processing information and emotions off-line. I feel somewhat bad that I have used this space inappropriately for that and I will try to work through my own things on my own more in the future.

To close, I wanted to highlight a video that is completely opposite to Taylor Swift’s Wildest Dreams racist fiasco. This artist shows us that it is not “a deal” to have people of different colors and abilities in one place. She shows in this video that dance has the power to heal and that art can help overcome really really difficult situations. I am glad to have found this particular video this week and I’m glad I’m allowing myself to do crafts and art to relieve the pain of loneliness.

A Little Bit of Heartbreak, a Little Recovery a Little Bit of Career Advancement

Heartbreak:

I have been involved in LGBT rights/activism/discussions since I was at least 15. I wasn’t always sure what I was doing, but I was there and I was loud. June has been rougher than I expected because last year I went to one of the oldest and biggest Pride parades in existence and this year I did nothing.

However, even more painful than missing the parade (which to be honest was super overwhelming) is missing Pride Shabbat. Our home shul (synagogue) was established as an LGBT shul. Pride Shabbat is the second most attended event of the year, after High Holy Days. EVERYONE is there. EVERYONE is so so so so happy to be there. For the past two years, I have been privileged to sing in the choir for this joyous event. One year the Cantor even wore 6in heels and sang “Adon Olam” to Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”

Missing this Shabbat is far more painful than I anticipated.

But that event isn’t even until next week. This week, I missed another milestone. Our Rabbi (14 years with the congregation) had her last Shabbat as our Rabbi. I’ve had a year and half to contemplate this but it still really really hurt to not be there on her final day as our Rabbi. On the other hand, I am so happy that she will pursue other things and she will continue to be an amazing person to everyone she encounters.

I reasoned with myself throughout the week that these feels were OK to have but it was a good thing that I would be spending time in a National Park so I would have the ability and space necessary to process all of them. In less than a week, I had planned a three-day trip for ten people to go into one of the next states over and camp. I had found enough gear and planned out the meals, I made loose itineraries to multiple National Parks and Monuments so we could see all there was to see.

We were supposed to leave Friday morning. By Thursday morning, as sometimes happens, 6/10 people had to back out due to unforeseen circumstances. The last 4 people and their gear would have had to travel in our hatchback that is roomy but not too big. We decided to discard the whole plan and try another time. Thank goodness for Silicon Valley the show because Thursday night found me a lump.

Recovery:

Friday dawned and I found the world to shockingly still exist. Partner Penguin found a really lovely trail full of aspen trees and metamorphic rocks for us to hike. We spent the day alone together and talked through some emotion stuff as well as some pretty damn silly stuff. In case I haven’t said it in a minute, I love that dude. We even found a lean-to!

Friday night we tried a shul in the nearby “city”. We happened upon a confirmation ceremony and I was actually really impressed with some of the topics the 10^th grade kids talked about. Other than that, it was Jumbo-jet Judaism: “Sit down, strap up and get drawn along for the ride.”

Did I mention I missed my shul?

Saturday a couple we know from TLoTH invited us to go hiking nearby. It was actually a super awesome hike and they are great hiking buddies. It rained nearly the whole time but nobody got cranky-pannies and everyone maintained a steadfast positive attitude. Now we know whom to turn to when we would like companions who will (healthily) help push boundaries on workouts.

Career Advancement:

This week was actually really great, professionally, for me. I discovered that TLoTH’s TEDx deadline was approaching and that any employee could give a talk. I am proud of myself that I whipped together and submitted a damn good proposal in two days. Fingers crossed!!

I am continuing to get feedback on my abstract on my work at Big American University. It looks like many mentor figures at TLoTH are behind me to submit it, along with my research at TLoTH to a conference later this year. I unabashedly sat with my boss’s boss’s boss at a briefing this week. She and I have similar senses of humor and she took some time to talk 1:1 after the briefing.

In my own work, I am taking ownership and writing a bunch. I am writing a report for my project which will hopefully inform peer reviewers and in house folks about what we’re doing and why. And most importantly: is it working? And shall we continue?

I really hope to make a difference with this project but it’s also eye opening as to what other forces are at play in this situation.

And to close out: here is a video that captures some very important points of the LGBTQAII and Pride issues this month.