You can take the girl out of BAU, but you can’t take the BAU out of the girl

Hey Y’all, sorry about the skipped week. On the bright side, I got to see about half of you that read this blog so it wasn’t really too bad!

Work:

Let’s start with the good stuff. A lot of my life lately has been work, directly and indirectly. (You will see that the “good stuff” is actually a double edged sword which created the “bad stuff”.)

Two weeks ago, an email was sent out to a list serv I subscribe to with the subject “FYI” and a flyer for a summit about innovation around women’s issues in entrepreneurialism. Cool, but wait…it was in the Key Route City!!! The day before Yom Kippur!!! “HELL TO THE FUCK YES!” I said to no one in particular. I very quickly responded to the original sender at TLoTH and asked simply if she would be attending the event and if I could join her. She responded within a half hour that no, she would not be attending but some other person had set aside some funding for my travel and I could go anyway with a manager from HR.

I was so happy I cried tears of joy. I was going to be able to spend Kol Nidre with my shul. I bought my ticket for Sunday, knowing I’d be in the city with the airport the night prior seeing Book of Mormon (it was delightfully irreverent, thank you for asking. The production was amazing and the dream scene was the best dream scene I’ve ever seen! [This includes Tevya’s dream in Fiddler] I got a t-shirt that says “Hasa Diga Ebowi” and I got PartnerPenguin boxers that say “I have maggots in my scrotum.” Listen to the soundtrack, then judge me harsher and hate yourself a little for laughing so much.). 

When I landed, PartnerPenguin took me out to a bar that was so hipster it just needed monocle. He told me that their burgers were fulfilling at a spiritual level. I was skeptical, but HOLY DAMN! That burger fulfilled me on a spiritual level. I forgot that food could be that good. There were even dark leafy greens on the side with light mustard vinaigrette, not iceberg lettuce with ranch.

Once in the Key Route City, I did the only natural Sara thing to do: I threw a party. It was a bajiggady degrees out, and a bajiggady-five in our tiny little studio. About ten of our friends braved the heat (and didn’t strip!) and hung out in our pad. It was great fun.

I slept peacefully through the whole night for the first time in a month. I slept so much while I was in the Key Route City, I think I missed some serious relationship discussions because I couldn’t get over being held and just conking out.

Monday I spent with my former colleagues at Big American University (BAU). I had many lovely conversations with folks about my life and theirs. One of my mentors made me feel so validated when she heard about my work strives and responded with:

“That the thing I absolutely love about the students at this university. You are change makers. If you see something that needs changing, you do it. You don’t wait for a solution to come to you.”

I really needed to hear that. I needed to see people. To be around those who care, and especially those who accept me for who I am without demanding I change. I crave radical acceptance because it is so sparse on TLoTH. Special shout out to those whom I felt comfortable enough to cry in front of, I haven’t felt safe enough to do that in a while.

Tuesday I went to the conference. The best aspect of that event was hearing other people speak words I only barely dare think. A new role-model stated:

“We have been throwing the solution de-jour at institutions for thirty years to improve the situation of women, in general and in STEM. It’s not working. It is high time that managers are accountable and responsible, directly and measurably, for diversity progress in their companies.”

I asked a very direct and tenacious question to the keynote speaker. I was very proud of myself for asking and I am working on crafting a follow up email since she was not able to satisfactorily answer my question.

Religion

I spent the evening and last dinner before Yom Kippur with my Saba. We had some heavy-duty discussions about the differences between 70’s feminism and 90’s feminism. He was deeply proud of my TEDx talk and his confidence in me makes me feel like I can affect real change.

PartnerPenguin and in I then deftly maneuvered public transportation to make it to Kol Nidre with exactly 2 minutes to spare. Though I didn’t get to talk to many people, I got to feel their presence: so very sincere. I would like to share with you an excerpt from the prayer book, it’s not too God-y, so just bear with me.

Tshuva

I’m not ready to return.

The calendar says now;

I say—April, maybe June.

I have so much to do.

The weekly email says now;

I’m so not ready, so preoccupied, too distracted

But

the congregation has assembled

in this room.

And the weight

of our collective presence

 has gravity enough

 to bend time’s hand towards

me

and say “Now.”

And bent, on bended knees

I reply, “Yes. I am ready.”

Everyone sang from their souls, the musicians played from their hearts and the clergy spoke words of laughter, sorrow and truth. Even the request for donations at the end made me cry. It was a perfect, lovely service. One thing that was unique to this type of service was that talking was discouraged at the end. I went around hugging people who were so surprised and happy to see me. In some ways, it felt appropriate that I hugged them in silence and wished them quietly that they have a healthy and happy new year.

Yom Kippur day was spent with PartnerPenguin and I doing us stuff. I had to leave around 1 pm. I had a horrible trip back to TLoTH but that’s not worth writing about.

*  *  *  *

Now, the “bad stuff” from Work.

I don’t really need to go into details, but basically I have been the butt of at least one rumor mill and several accusations of insubordination in the past couple weeks. Being very confused what I did wrong, I have been trying to figure it out. Momma Bear was the person who put it all together for me: I have been treating myself like an adult, an equal, in several work situations. I have been contacting people who are higher up than me, I have been arranging meetings with scientists, I have been an active participant in discussions about what my daily activities should be. I do not always make my whereabouts easily known. (Though I blame the last bit on my former boss and PartnerPenguin because they taught me how to disappear.)

This breaks many unspoken rules of corporate culture.

I feel so very caught. On one side, I am being expected to be responsible for my actions. On the other, I am being punished for being an adult and holding people to reasonable standards, especially in the field of communication. I am too American, I am too direct, I am too brash and instigating.

I have been trying to improve, based on what people critiqued from last week. But today at work I was given several contradictory instructions by authority figures and I just gave up and curled into a ball and cried. My co-worker overheard the conversation (she very astutely did not join) and agreed that I was being asked to do things directly in contrast to other people’s requests.

Corporate culture is so very weird. And saddening and frustrating.

Active Hobbies

Haha. Jk. I didn’t do anything physical this week. I walked a bunch. I sweat a lot because it’s warm out. So there.

Creative Hobbies

The play I did makeup for closed this weekend. I got this beautiful flower as a souvenir.

I was proud of my final make-ups. By the end of the show I had done every cast member except one, who did her own. I made some pretty cool friends and I’m going to give someone a simple lesson in Hebrew. The stage manager talked me (I was already toying with the idea) of submitting a play to direct for the March show. We’ll see. It’s a good experiment. I’ve never directed and it would be a very difficult play. Wheeeeeeeeeee! Challenge accepted.

Living situations

My friend, The Mexican, has come to stay with me for a little while. He got a job at TLoTH for a year too so I said he could stay with me until he finds a place. So far, so good. Except that he bought two jars of cookie-butter so I might have to invest in larger pants. It feels good to have someone from Big American University here. I feel able to be myself.

Tonight’s musical guest will be Mr. Ray Charles in the best movie in the world: The Blues Brothers. C’mon, it’s time to Shake a Tail Feather!! (Link if the video doesn't work)

New Year, New Format

First of all, thank you for your feedback. Amidst mixed reviews, the majority came out with a slim margin leaning towards: “Keep it the same, you’re awesome.”

I think, organizationally I am going to change it up a bit, at least while I’m “single.” There are a few major areas that I’m working on as a person so I’m just going to give updates on each of those things. I think I’ll try to stick to the same categories for a couple weeks. I’ll still have my wondrously stream-of-consciousness type writing because a) I’m a little drunk and b) “Keep it the same, you’re awesome” feels pretty good to hear.

Job: Still going well, overall. Spent the entirety of last week boning up on my qualitative analysis mad skillz. About Thursday someone showed me where the actual books I needed were and that made my life approximately 100,000 times easier. Except that physical books don’t have a “ctrl f” function so I have to look up d=7.01 Å, manually on pages of charts. It’s all good. 

I’ve been doing logistical nightmare stuff n on breaks but…should all things come to pass in the way I want, logistical nightmare will become daytime dream come true. …I’ll explain next week.

So far I’m procrastinating pretty hard on practicing my TED talk for a group of managers. Gotta get that confidence up, yo.

Active Hobbies: This week I tried out Roller Derby. This is what I looked like:

I like it as a hobby. I will try to stick with it. My inner thighs hated me for several days, I think that means I did something right. Being with the team was just an immensely empowering experience. I am by no means the largest girl there (which spoke more to me than perhaps it should have) and having hips/tits/ass is an important part of the sport. Those bitches are STRONG. I like Derby because it is something I have absolutely no familiarity with. I cannot just do as I’ve always done. I liked that about Crossfit too, I was learning the skills from scratch so I had no bad habits to fall back upon. So far, I have learned how to go and how to stop. Pretty excellent. However my creative hobbies might interfere so I might have to adjust my weekly plans.

Creative Hobbies: Speaking of mad skillz…it turns out I’m pretty badass at stage makeup. I’m still totally novice status but the local theatre is letting me be in charge of makeup for their production of Harvey. Unfortunately, I do not get to do makeup on the Pooka. However, I have been crafting a really decent old-age on this one dude, pretty rad.

It has been really refreshing to be back in the Theatre world again. I am meeting people my own age, who don’t work at the lab. One of the young women has her own company and is very inspiring to talk to. Another young woman is a stay at home mom and I admire her ability to do that. I have been getting really good life advice from people there while I take approximately eons to do their makeup. It’s been a good laugh and a great learning experience. I’ve also gotten to know a local cray-cray-people band through one of the cast-mates. Possible dancing opportunity there.

The only thing that’s been a bit rough for me is that the combination of direction and writing of the character Ellwood O’Dowd (main character) reminds me a bit too much of my father-in-law. I found myself unable to decouple the character and the person for the duration of the show. After the show, I kinda re-experienced my father-in-law's death a little bit and that was rough. It didn’t help that I had an allergic reaction to the cake. I slept for about 11 hours and felt much better. I think I’ll watch the show towards the end of the run to see how the cast improved but also try to be more objective. I don’t know when I turned into a theatre snob, but I certainly have and I need to appreciate local theatre as just that. In the words of a cast-mate: “It’s community fucking theatre.”

Mommaloo, I’m also making you a present. It’s a special surprise so I’ll give it to you the next time I see you. <3 <3 <3

Religion: I don’t think I’ll usually include this section unless it’s relevant. Since this week was Rosh Hashana, it’s extremely relevant.

I’d like to back-up and give an eentsy bit of background before I tell the events of what happened: I had emailed some HeadHoncho at TLoTH and asked him about his school/life experience that lead him to be a manager. I also asked him for an introduction to someone even higher up at TLoTH because sometimes that’s the tactical way to meet higher-ups. He responded with an email that basically pulled rank on me, asked why I couldn’t figure these matters out with my direct mentor and reminded me the person I was asking for an introduction was busier and more important than me.

Ok, so that leads us into Rosh Hashana.

Last night was a complete disaster. I have been dreading High Holy Days for some time now. I really miss my shul in the City and the clergy and the congregation. I really miss PartnerPenguin who has always been with me, despite not having a strong Jewish identity growing up. But I couldn’t actually place what it was that I was dreading. I figured it out last night.

Last night was the first Rosh Hashana of my entire life that I have not been with family.

I’m 25 years old. In all of those 25 years, I have always had family with me to celebrate the New Year. Even if that was the only night of the entire year I saw them, there was someone of blood or marriage relation that was sitting next to me, holding my hand if I needed it. Last night, I felt more alone in that chapel than I have ever felt. I started to cry, silently, during the opening prayers. I realized I wouldn’t be able to, and more importantly, didn’t want to stop crying. I ran to the bathroom and sobbed like a little kid. I missed my childhood. I missed my PartnerPenguin. I missed everything. I missed everyone. I missed the ocean. I cried for a good portion of the service and I didn’t really care. I needed to pray by crying and the stuffy, predominately white, predominantly heterosexual group in the chapel was not a safe place to cry. I have never felt like I needed to hide my crying at shul, and that also hurt. I didn’t feel safe being vulnerable there.

I eventually cleaned up and returned to the audience. They were mostly done with the Shema (the central prayer of Judaism, establishing monotheism), or about halfway done the service. I was grateful the woman I sat next to, a new-ish friend, never asked me what was wrong. In fact, she came over my house and we shared a holiday meal together with apples and honey. We actually stayed up talking until nearly midnight and it felt very good to have someone in my home, listening and caring what I had to say.

This morning, I returned to the small community. Not to be modest, but I have a really good singing voice. Other members of the congregation looked at me throughout the service and introduced themselves or just looked at me while I was singing. I get pretty into singing, as that is how I pray. I don’t usually care. I did feel a bit uncomfortable, even bordering hostile that the previously mentioned HeadHoncho sat directly in front of me and did not even say hello. He could obviously hear me and I know he recognizes me. It just added an extra layer of discomfort for someone to actively ignore me.

At least today I did not have an overwhelming urge to cry. I obediently listened to the copious amounts of Hebrew and lamented privately at the lack of silence or space for private meditation. But I need to acknowledge the ability for me to practice my religion freely and there being a community for me to do so. I appreciate the effort of this community to provide a space to invite in the New Year and to provide liturgy for emotionally readying myself for the next ten days of retribution.

Future plans: I'm looking through some grad school programs, though perhaps not with as much vigor and rigor as I should be. I hit a stumbling block when I looked into taking the GRE. The website was broken and instead of trying to troubleshoot I basically threw my hands up in the air and gave up for the day. My Jewish New Year’s resolution is to be more kind to myself about future plans. If I don’t get things together this year, it is not the end of the world. Absolute worst case scenario, I can stay at TLoTH for another year. That’s not what I plan to do, but I need to acknowledge to myself that I do have a rather significant safety net here. I need to practice being kind to myself. Even when I think I am being, I can be more kind and compassionate to others and myself.

Well that concludes my week. The song that I really want to post is a spoiler for season 1 of Steven Universe so I won’t do that because I hate spoilers. So here is some fantastic dancing to Ms Beyonce Knowles. Watch the video if you can, it's worth your 2:17 minutes.

(Un)Para-socializing Myself

I have been using this blog wrong. I am not sure how to use it right, but I am now pretty convinced I am using it wrong right now. In fact, I feel that I am using most social media wrong. I have become a character, a persona through this medium. I am amusing to follow, I can evoke laughter and tears but I am alone. After two weeks living on my own, I am beginning to feel very very alone.

If you are not familiar with the term parasocial relationship please click the link for an in-depth explanation. Simply, it’s the type of relationship we form with celebrities where the masses feel like they “know” a person well but the celebrity has no direct contact with their constituents.

I hung out with one of my co-workers all day yesterday. She commented that if you are in TLoTH by yourself and you’re in your early twenties, it’s actually a horrible place if you don’t have a good friend or roommate (as she does). The restaurants close at 8 if you’re lucky, and the two bars close at 11 and midnight, respectively. There is a lot of outdoor activities like hiking, camping, backpacking and climbing but she observed that those activities are only fun if you’re with people. “It becomes kinda terrifying” if you go alone, she said.

I am really harsh on myself because I cannot hike a 20 mile day alone. I have no upper body strength and my wrist injury is not healed enough to even do plank for a whole minute (aside from the fact that my core isn’t strong enough for that either). That puts climbing out and I don’t have enough motivation to lift weights by myself at a gym. My body issues become my self-esteem and self-worth issues because it appears the only thing there is to do here is be outside. I have met some more “indoor” type people here but they are difficult to co-ordinate with. Or they have LAN parties late at night and I fall asleep on their couch, making an ass of myself.

I would like to point out that some people have been calling/emailing/responding and I cannot express enough gratitude. You have been helping me work through some of the problems I brought up last week and offered introductions and advice. I do not wish to diminish the impact of your actions, nor act like an emo teen. It is just very lonely here.

I also came to a really rough realization yesterday. I place my self-assessment of productivity on whether I have had successful social interactions in a day. I cleaned my entire house, including mopping the floors, all dishes, vacuum and laundry and I felt that my day was a complete waste and I did nothing.  I then went to a game night and had a good conversation with a wise man and all of a sudden it was a beautifully productive day in my mind.

While talking to PartnerPenguin I also ran into an insecurity that may be contributing to my auto-isolation. He asked why I don’t just pick up the damn phone and call people. I tearfully responded that I don’t want to interrupt people’s lives. I always feel like I am calling at the wrong time and people in my life have better things to be doing than talk to me. It wears on me that many people do not initiate communication with me. I understand. But it’s also hard to be the only one who reaches out. I learned from experience that you always loose 80% of the people you once hung out with when you move to a new place. But it hurts every time. And this time, I don’t have PartnerPenguing to keep me company so the loneliness just hits harder. It doesn’t help that everyone I know lives in a different time zone than me.

I am working actively on these issues. I am trying to acquire at least two hobbies, one soul enriching and one active. I am doing makeup for a play for the next couple weeks. The community theatre folks here are pretty cool so far. A good amount of them don’t take the play too seriously because after all it is “community fucking theatre” as one actress said. After I’m done makeup, I’ll be in two little shows that open in November. I have already met most of the other actors and they seem chill.

For the second activity, I’m looking into Roller Derby but am proceeding with caution since I have history of injuries with contact sports. I’m also working on the paperwork (WHY IS THERE SO MUCH PAPERWORK?) to sign up for the gym at work. I plan to do a yoga class there but I my concern with yoga is that it works on you as a person, not as a member of a team. I really want something that teaches me how to work with or alongside other people in an encouraging environment. One of my friends today mentioned Tai Kwon Do and I said I’d give it a shot if they joined me.

I am trying.

But the blog. I do not know what to do about the blog. I see a couple options but in all honesty, I am yearning for some audience participation on this one. Please tell me what you want; I do not know and I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job predicting.

1. Continue as is with my weekly postings. Try to make them shorter, easier to read.
2. Post multiple times a week. Less complete content but higher volume.
3. Take requests from my readers and talk about one topic. I’m thinking this could either go AMA style or questions could be related to being a Lady Scientist, being in my 20s, being fabulous, whatever. I don’t think I’m any good at advice so it wouldn’t be an advice column, just more directed blatherings.
4. Continue posting little essays each week.
5. Ask people on the mailing list how they are doing. Pick up the damn phone. Take more care to cultivate more interpersonal relationships instead of parasocial.

Additionally, I will be working to write on my own and use it as cognitive tool for processing information and emotions off-line. I feel somewhat bad that I have used this space inappropriately for that and I will try to work through my own things on my own more in the future.

To close, I wanted to highlight a video that is completely opposite to Taylor Swift’s Wildest Dreams racist fiasco. This artist shows us that it is not “a deal” to have people of different colors and abilities in one place. She shows in this video that dance has the power to heal and that art can help overcome really really difficult situations. I am glad to have found this particular video this week and I’m glad I’m allowing myself to do crafts and art to relieve the pain of loneliness.