Hey Y’all, sorry about the skipped week. On the bright side,
I got to see about half of you that read this blog so it wasn’t really too bad!
Work:
Let’s start with the good stuff. A lot of my life lately has
been work, directly and indirectly. (You will see that the “good stuff” is
actually a double edged sword which created the “bad stuff”.)
Two weeks ago, an email was sent out to a list serv I
subscribe to with the subject “FYI” and a flyer for a summit about innovation
around women’s issues in entrepreneurialism. Cool, but wait…it was in the Key
Route City!!! The day before Yom Kippur!!! “HELL TO THE FUCK YES!” I said to no
one in particular. I very quickly responded to the original sender at TLoTH and
asked simply if she would be attending the event and if I could join her. She
responded within a half hour that no, she would not be attending but some other
person had set aside some funding for my travel and I could go anyway with a
manager from HR.
I was so happy I cried tears of joy. I was going to be able
to spend Kol Nidre with my shul. I bought my ticket for Sunday, knowing I’d be
in the city with the airport the night prior seeing Book of Mormon (it was delightfully irreverent, thank you for
asking. The production was amazing and the dream scene was the best dream scene
I’ve ever seen! [This includes Tevya’s dream in Fiddler] I got a t-shirt that says “Hasa Diga Ebowi” and I got
PartnerPenguin boxers that say “I have maggots in my scrotum.” Listen to the
soundtrack, then judge me harsher and hate yourself a little for laughing so
much.).
When I landed, PartnerPenguin took me out to a bar that was
so hipster it just needed monocle. He told me that their burgers were fulfilling
at a spiritual level. I was skeptical, but HOLY DAMN! That burger fulfilled me
on a spiritual level. I forgot that food could be that good. There were even dark leafy greens on the side with light
mustard vinaigrette, not iceberg lettuce with ranch.
Once in the Key Route City, I did the only natural Sara
thing to do: I threw a party. It was a bajiggady degrees out, and a
bajiggady-five in our tiny little studio. About ten of our friends braved the
heat (and didn’t strip!) and hung out in our pad. It was great fun.
I slept peacefully through the whole night for the first
time in a month. I slept so much while I was in the Key Route City, I think I
missed some serious relationship discussions because I couldn’t get over being
held and just conking out.
Monday I spent with my former colleagues at Big American
University (BAU). I had many lovely conversations with folks about my life and
theirs. One of my mentors made me feel so validated when she heard about my
work strives and responded with:
“That the thing I absolutely love about the students at this
university. You are change makers. If you see something that needs changing,
you do it. You don’t wait for a solution to come to you.”
I really needed to hear that. I needed to see people. To be
around those who care, and especially those who accept me for who I am without
demanding I change. I crave radical acceptance because it is so sparse on
TLoTH. Special shout out to those whom I felt comfortable enough to cry in
front of, I haven’t felt safe enough to do that in a while.
Tuesday I went to the conference. The best aspect of that
event was hearing other people speak words I only barely dare think. A new
role-model stated:
“We have been throwing the solution de-jour at institutions
for thirty years to improve the situation of women, in general and in STEM.
It’s not working. It is high time that managers are accountable and
responsible, directly and measurably, for diversity progress in their
companies.”
I asked a very direct and tenacious question to the keynote
speaker. I was very proud of myself for asking and I am working on crafting a
follow up email since she was not able to satisfactorily answer my question.
Religion
I spent the evening and last dinner before Yom Kippur with
my Saba. We had some heavy-duty discussions about the differences between 70’s
feminism and 90’s feminism. He was deeply proud of my TEDx talk and his
confidence in me makes me feel like I can affect real change.
PartnerPenguin and in I then deftly maneuvered public
transportation to make it to Kol Nidre with exactly 2 minutes to spare. Though
I didn’t get to talk to many people, I got to feel their presence: so very
sincere. I would like to share with you an excerpt from the prayer book, it’s
not too God-y, so just bear with me.
Tshuva
I’m not ready to return.
The calendar says now;
I say—April, maybe June.
I have so much to do.
The weekly email says now;
I’m so not ready, so preoccupied, too distracted
But
the congregation has assembled
in this room.
And the weight
of our collective presence
has gravity enough
to bend time’s hand
towards
me
and say “Now.”
And bent, on bended knees
I reply, “Yes. I am ready.”
Everyone sang from their souls, the musicians played from
their hearts and the clergy spoke words of laughter, sorrow and truth. Even the
request for donations at the end made me cry. It was a perfect, lovely service.
One thing that was unique to this type of service was that talking was
discouraged at the end. I went around hugging people who were so surprised and
happy to see me. In some ways, it felt appropriate that I hugged them in
silence and wished them quietly that they have a healthy and happy new year.
Yom Kippur day was spent with PartnerPenguin and I doing us
stuff. I had to leave around 1 pm. I had a horrible trip back to TLoTH but
that’s not worth writing about.
* * * *
Now, the “bad stuff” from Work.
I don’t really need to go into details, but basically I have
been the butt of at least one rumor mill and several accusations of
insubordination in the past couple weeks. Being very confused what I did wrong,
I have been trying to figure it out. Momma Bear was the person who put it all
together for me: I have been treating myself like an adult, an equal, in
several work situations. I have been contacting people who are higher up than
me, I have been arranging meetings with scientists, I have been an active
participant in discussions about what my daily activities should be. I do not
always make my whereabouts easily known. (Though I blame the last bit on my
former boss and PartnerPenguin because they taught me how to disappear.)
This breaks many unspoken rules of corporate culture.
I feel so very caught. On one side, I am being expected to
be responsible for my actions. On the other, I am being punished for being an
adult and holding people to reasonable standards, especially in the field of
communication. I am too American, I am too direct, I am too brash and
instigating.
I have been trying to improve, based on what people
critiqued from last week. But today at work I was given several contradictory
instructions by authority figures and I just gave up and curled into a ball and
cried. My co-worker overheard the conversation (she very astutely did not join)
and agreed that I was being asked to do things directly in contrast to other
people’s requests.
Corporate culture is so very weird. And saddening and
frustrating.
Active Hobbies
Haha. Jk. I didn’t do anything physical this week. I walked
a bunch. I sweat a lot because it’s warm out. So there.
Creative Hobbies
The play I did makeup for closed this weekend. I got this
beautiful flower as a souvenir.
I was proud of my final make-ups. By the end of the show I
had done every cast member except one, who did her own. I made some pretty cool
friends and I’m going to give someone a simple lesson in Hebrew. The stage
manager talked me (I was already toying with the idea) of submitting a play to
direct for the March show. We’ll see. It’s a good experiment. I’ve never
directed and it would be a very difficult play. Wheeeeeeeeeee! Challenge
accepted.
Living situations
My friend, The Mexican, has come to stay with me for a
little while. He got a job at TLoTH for a year too so I said he could stay with
me until he finds a place. So far, so good. Except that he bought two jars of
cookie-butter so I might have to invest in larger pants. It feels good to have someone
from Big American University here. I feel able to be myself.
Tonight’s musical guest will be Mr. Ray Charles in the best
movie in the world: The Blues Brothers. C’mon, it’s time to Shake a Tail
Feather!! (Link if the video doesn't work)
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