(Un)Para-socializing Myself

I have been using this blog wrong. I am not sure how to use it right, but I am now pretty convinced I am using it wrong right now. In fact, I feel that I am using most social media wrong. I have become a character, a persona through this medium. I am amusing to follow, I can evoke laughter and tears but I am alone. After two weeks living on my own, I am beginning to feel very very alone.

If you are not familiar with the term parasocial relationship please click the link for an in-depth explanation. Simply, it’s the type of relationship we form with celebrities where the masses feel like they “know” a person well but the celebrity has no direct contact with their constituents.

I hung out with one of my co-workers all day yesterday. She commented that if you are in TLoTH by yourself and you’re in your early twenties, it’s actually a horrible place if you don’t have a good friend or roommate (as she does). The restaurants close at 8 if you’re lucky, and the two bars close at 11 and midnight, respectively. There is a lot of outdoor activities like hiking, camping, backpacking and climbing but she observed that those activities are only fun if you’re with people. “It becomes kinda terrifying” if you go alone, she said.

I am really harsh on myself because I cannot hike a 20 mile day alone. I have no upper body strength and my wrist injury is not healed enough to even do plank for a whole minute (aside from the fact that my core isn’t strong enough for that either). That puts climbing out and I don’t have enough motivation to lift weights by myself at a gym. My body issues become my self-esteem and self-worth issues because it appears the only thing there is to do here is be outside. I have met some more “indoor” type people here but they are difficult to co-ordinate with. Or they have LAN parties late at night and I fall asleep on their couch, making an ass of myself.

I would like to point out that some people have been calling/emailing/responding and I cannot express enough gratitude. You have been helping me work through some of the problems I brought up last week and offered introductions and advice. I do not wish to diminish the impact of your actions, nor act like an emo teen. It is just very lonely here.

I also came to a really rough realization yesterday. I place my self-assessment of productivity on whether I have had successful social interactions in a day. I cleaned my entire house, including mopping the floors, all dishes, vacuum and laundry and I felt that my day was a complete waste and I did nothing.  I then went to a game night and had a good conversation with a wise man and all of a sudden it was a beautifully productive day in my mind.

While talking to PartnerPenguin I also ran into an insecurity that may be contributing to my auto-isolation. He asked why I don’t just pick up the damn phone and call people. I tearfully responded that I don’t want to interrupt people’s lives. I always feel like I am calling at the wrong time and people in my life have better things to be doing than talk to me. It wears on me that many people do not initiate communication with me. I understand. But it’s also hard to be the only one who reaches out. I learned from experience that you always loose 80% of the people you once hung out with when you move to a new place. But it hurts every time. And this time, I don’t have PartnerPenguing to keep me company so the loneliness just hits harder. It doesn’t help that everyone I know lives in a different time zone than me.

I am working actively on these issues. I am trying to acquire at least two hobbies, one soul enriching and one active. I am doing makeup for a play for the next couple weeks. The community theatre folks here are pretty cool so far. A good amount of them don’t take the play too seriously because after all it is “community fucking theatre” as one actress said. After I’m done makeup, I’ll be in two little shows that open in November. I have already met most of the other actors and they seem chill.

For the second activity, I’m looking into Roller Derby but am proceeding with caution since I have history of injuries with contact sports. I’m also working on the paperwork (WHY IS THERE SO MUCH PAPERWORK?) to sign up for the gym at work. I plan to do a yoga class there but I my concern with yoga is that it works on you as a person, not as a member of a team. I really want something that teaches me how to work with or alongside other people in an encouraging environment. One of my friends today mentioned Tai Kwon Do and I said I’d give it a shot if they joined me.

I am trying.

But the blog. I do not know what to do about the blog. I see a couple options but in all honesty, I am yearning for some audience participation on this one. Please tell me what you want; I do not know and I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job predicting.

1. Continue as is with my weekly postings. Try to make them shorter, easier to read.
2. Post multiple times a week. Less complete content but higher volume.
3. Take requests from my readers and talk about one topic. I’m thinking this could either go AMA style or questions could be related to being a Lady Scientist, being in my 20s, being fabulous, whatever. I don’t think I’m any good at advice so it wouldn’t be an advice column, just more directed blatherings.
4. Continue posting little essays each week.
5. Ask people on the mailing list how they are doing. Pick up the damn phone. Take more care to cultivate more interpersonal relationships instead of parasocial.

Additionally, I will be working to write on my own and use it as cognitive tool for processing information and emotions off-line. I feel somewhat bad that I have used this space inappropriately for that and I will try to work through my own things on my own more in the future.

To close, I wanted to highlight a video that is completely opposite to Taylor Swift’s Wildest Dreams racist fiasco. This artist shows us that it is not “a deal” to have people of different colors and abilities in one place. She shows in this video that dance has the power to heal and that art can help overcome really really difficult situations. I am glad to have found this particular video this week and I’m glad I’m allowing myself to do crafts and art to relieve the pain of loneliness.