Coulomb's Day

Note about the title: If I were to refer to this “holiday” I’ve had off today, I would call it Indigenous People’s Day. In honor of that, I have been reading The Snake Dance of the Hopi People. It’s twenty-fucking-fifteen, people. Why do we still have to spell out things like: celebrate native people, not their genocide. Don’t wear blackface. Don’t rape (it's a comedy sketch, shouldn't need any additional trigger warnings, but it does talk about rape).

This week has been one of the most intense think-weeks I’ve ever had. I’ve spent most of the week examining; my relationships, my path forward, my health.

Health: So it turns out I’ve been having mild-to-severe asthma attacks at work for a week. Having restricted breathing passageways is a bad thing. It took me about 5 workdays to figure this out. So finally I went to the urgent care and the doctor gave me a bunch of meds. An inhaler for the immediate asthma symptoms, a round of steroids to knock down swelling and a round of amoxicillin (heavy duty antibiotic) to get rid of the sinus infection I’ve probably had since I’ve been here.

Combined with having my period and reading Amanda Palmer’s The Art of Asking, this week was predictably a good time to analyze life things. I have drawn the following conclusions:

1) I cannot stay here another year. While this may be obvious to others around in my life, it has not been obvious to me. Having allergy-induced asthma is my line. It is astonishing how completely you can forget parts of your childhood and asthma was a part I forgot entirely.

2) I am at a different point in my career than a lot of people my age. Along the lines of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I’ve come up with my own pyramid of employment hierarchy of needs. I am purely looking at employment as a recent college graduate, so please don’t penalize my analysis for not taking into account anything above middle management.

The pyramid:

A fundamental dissonance between being in the world of academia and the “real” world is the expectations for where you are going to be on this pyramid after college. In my experience, you learn the critical thinking and analytical skills to immediately start close to the top. However the reality that one typically starts at the bottom is a rough realization. I see a lot of friends announcing their first “real” jobs and the difficulties therein on Bookface.

The conversation that inspired me to make this diagram was centered on my path post-TLoTH. The friend I was talking to said “Y’know, in some cases you can get an internship where they even let you have your own project.” I realized in that moment that owning my project was not optional. Having a superior who doesn’t promote me as either a person isn’t an option either. I have had amazing luck in the past four years of employment to have bosses who not only have pushed me up; but also have given me the permission to be myself. I hover between the top three levels, and usually I own my projects with the respect and collaboration of my colleagues.

That being said, not everyone has been amazing. But I have been fortunate to have enough seriously good mentors to not settle for less. I know you people exist. I will find you.

3) Taking pt 2 into consideration: Graduate school is probably my most likely path forward to do what I want to do. I want to be engaged and interested in my work. I want to affect change. I will burn out if I do a technical PhD. I am looking at Public Policy but I’m open to suggestions. PartnerPenguin seems game on the surface but for both of our sanities, GradSchool will take place in a major city. Our relationship cannot survive in its current (long distance) state forever; we need to physically be in the same place. I am a very physical person and I do not want to do GradSchool alone. I need to be held.

4) I am scared. In fact, I am terrified. The GRE terrifies me. There. I’ve said it. The SAT was not pleasant. I took it twice and I did worse my second go round. It was used as a proxy for my intelligence and I was not seen as a person. I worked and I worked so finally when Big American University did accept me it was not based on that one score.

[WHOLE SECTION REMOVED BECAUSE I REALIZED IT WAS JUST ANXIETY TALKING, NOT REALZ. NOT THAT ANXIETY ISN'T VALID, IT'S JUST NOT PRODUCTIVE.]

I fear not being seen. I think that’s one thing that hit me pretty hard about Palmer’s book. I am afraid of not being seen for who I am. The undergraduate process felt very random and, like, I was just a speck among the masses. The process of being an undergraduate student meant that I had to form who I was. The people I valued most coming out of undergraduate were the people who saw me most. Now I have my identity and I have a community, I can finally go forward. But I am so afraid of losing that identity.

I do not feel like the rest of the application should be too difficult. I feel there are many people who are interested in writing me letters of rec and who would help me in editing and other stuff. By the end of this year, I will have been published (in some capacity) 5 times with a possible sixth. I have a TEDx talk. I practice my writing every week (to varying degrees of success). I feel confident that right now my biggest barrier to getting accepted somewhere is applying.

5) I don’t have to move forward immediately. I can take the GRE and that will reset my clock. It’s better to take it now, before all the fresh new-ness of that expensive education wears off. But I don’t have to act immediately. I might decide I want to. I might not. But it’s OK.

It’s also OK for me to vet my ideas/decisions/feelings with people who care about me. I’m getting better at this, but it’s a skill I’m learning. There is a difference between having an emotionally intelligent conversation and a blind agreement with someone. I reached out to several people in my life whom I could have intelligent conversations and they helped me come to the above conclusions. Thank you.

Work

As you can imagine, health issues significantly impacted my work this week. I am preparing for a conference and I started working on my posters. That’s right, I got two. Boo-ya!

I’m networking with people at the upcoming conference as well as from the conference I attended in the Key Route City a couple weeks ago. I’m trying to find role models. Mostly women (so far) who have travelled paths similar to what I want. I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how many people respond to me. And how quickly they respond. There is this huge disconnect about career advancement that students are told: Don’t ask. Don’t try to connect with those above you. But if they are strong women, in particular, they seem to want to be asked. Not by everyone, not to the point of exhaustion, but they are more available than we students are taught.

And really, how the hell are you going to pull someone forward if they never stick out their hand?

Creative Hobby

Rehearsals are going great. One of the stage directions involves another actor getting up close and personal with me. I made the enormous mistake of looking into his eyes while he did this and I lost it. I laughed so hard I actually fell over on the floor and couldn’t get up. I was laughing too hard.

My play proposal did not get chosen but I’m cool with that. It was a good exercise. They actually really wanted to produce the play and it was a good point in the season but they didn’t want to risk it with an inexperienced director. I feel like this is fair, it would be a really bad play if I fucked it up. Maybe some day in the future!

Mum, my present for you may not be ready. I’ve been distracted. Womp!

Active Hobby

Derby is going pretty well. I’ve had to cut back to once a week due to schedule conflict with rehearsals. The woman who ran the practice on Sunday was really kind. She’s built like a linebacker (I think? I don’t know football…) but she’s really sweet. The whole team is all about positivity and encouragement. Sometimes it’s better to be on a team that’s not as skilled because they’re not as competitive and that’s better for a beginner. I’m a very competitive person in the rest of my life; it’s a relief to just be. But also work out so much that parts I didn’t know existed hurt.

Bike news! Bike is waiting on a new front tire but should be ready this week. I might be crazy enough to start biking to work again. I think that would do me good.

Cooking

I will briefly describe how I made this meal, because Good Panda misses the bygone time when I used to post recipes.

Tofu: Fried in pan with butter.

Three Bean Curry Soup: Soaked ½ c each of chickpeas and red-beans for 6 hrs. Drained and put in slow cooker. Added ½ c green lentils. Added jar of TJ’s curry simmer sauce plus one jar of water. One can of coconut milk. I might have added more water to make sure all beans were covered with at least 3 inches. Cooked overnight. You can also put the tofu directly into this and microwave/stove heat it. Red beans did not cook completely, chickpeas did. Can fix by stovetop cooking or picking out red beans.

DELICIOUS RICE OHMIGOD: 1 c. jasmine rice. Adequate water, which should be 2 c if you live at normal people elevation (0-500ft elevation). Three pinches of granulated onion. ¼-½  tsp fresh ground cardamom, take the bits OUT of the pods before you grind it. 5 or so pestels of saffron (it was a love-gift from PartnerPenguin. I’m not really that fancy). 10 stems of whole cloves. 1 stick of cinnamon, broken in halves or quarters. Cinnamon unrolls as it cooks, looks hella cool. Cook like normal rice, but yummier. Y’know the drill, bring to boil for a minute or three and then simmer until done. Turn over/stir every 5-10 minutes so pan doesn’t burn.

Cheap AF Palak Paneer: I made this delicious discovery lately. Melt 1 T butter in a pan, add a pound of spinach. Mush around the pan until all clumps broken up and you can convince yourself the spinach will cook. In a mortar and pestle, mash up ½ t cardamom. Add Vindaloo curry powder, if available. TJ’s curry powder also works. Add trace amounts of cumin and cinnamon. A shitload (1 t) of cayenne pepper, or however spicy you want it. I also added about ¼ t of basil to make it interesting. Add spice mix to spinach as it defrosts/cooks. Keep adding cayenne or curry powder if you think that’s a good idea. Finally, add a quart of cottage cheese. You can make this part, but I don’t recommend it. I failed horribly. But if you try, use 4% milk, NOT whipping cream. The fat content does NOT translate up.

And voila! Dinner is served. And lunch the next day. Because this makes like…6 portions at least, if you eat it all together. And you live alone.

Now to close out, I have two songs tonight. One is AFP’s (Amanda Fucking Palmer) because I haven’t really listened to her music. Warning, while this song does not really contain too much language or violence it is VERY sad. That being said, it is very beautiful.

If you have time, I encourage you to watch the whole Tiny Desk Concert of this band: DeQn Sue. I feel like their song “Magenta” speaks to me this week. I’m not quite mad, not quite sad, not quite scared, just magenta. I’m posting this version because I like her vocal effects here and I can’t find them in the other recordings.

Magenta

(Un)Para-socializing Myself

I have been using this blog wrong. I am not sure how to use it right, but I am now pretty convinced I am using it wrong right now. In fact, I feel that I am using most social media wrong. I have become a character, a persona through this medium. I am amusing to follow, I can evoke laughter and tears but I am alone. After two weeks living on my own, I am beginning to feel very very alone.

If you are not familiar with the term parasocial relationship please click the link for an in-depth explanation. Simply, it’s the type of relationship we form with celebrities where the masses feel like they “know” a person well but the celebrity has no direct contact with their constituents.

I hung out with one of my co-workers all day yesterday. She commented that if you are in TLoTH by yourself and you’re in your early twenties, it’s actually a horrible place if you don’t have a good friend or roommate (as she does). The restaurants close at 8 if you’re lucky, and the two bars close at 11 and midnight, respectively. There is a lot of outdoor activities like hiking, camping, backpacking and climbing but she observed that those activities are only fun if you’re with people. “It becomes kinda terrifying” if you go alone, she said.

I am really harsh on myself because I cannot hike a 20 mile day alone. I have no upper body strength and my wrist injury is not healed enough to even do plank for a whole minute (aside from the fact that my core isn’t strong enough for that either). That puts climbing out and I don’t have enough motivation to lift weights by myself at a gym. My body issues become my self-esteem and self-worth issues because it appears the only thing there is to do here is be outside. I have met some more “indoor” type people here but they are difficult to co-ordinate with. Or they have LAN parties late at night and I fall asleep on their couch, making an ass of myself.

I would like to point out that some people have been calling/emailing/responding and I cannot express enough gratitude. You have been helping me work through some of the problems I brought up last week and offered introductions and advice. I do not wish to diminish the impact of your actions, nor act like an emo teen. It is just very lonely here.

I also came to a really rough realization yesterday. I place my self-assessment of productivity on whether I have had successful social interactions in a day. I cleaned my entire house, including mopping the floors, all dishes, vacuum and laundry and I felt that my day was a complete waste and I did nothing.  I then went to a game night and had a good conversation with a wise man and all of a sudden it was a beautifully productive day in my mind.

While talking to PartnerPenguin I also ran into an insecurity that may be contributing to my auto-isolation. He asked why I don’t just pick up the damn phone and call people. I tearfully responded that I don’t want to interrupt people’s lives. I always feel like I am calling at the wrong time and people in my life have better things to be doing than talk to me. It wears on me that many people do not initiate communication with me. I understand. But it’s also hard to be the only one who reaches out. I learned from experience that you always loose 80% of the people you once hung out with when you move to a new place. But it hurts every time. And this time, I don’t have PartnerPenguing to keep me company so the loneliness just hits harder. It doesn’t help that everyone I know lives in a different time zone than me.

I am working actively on these issues. I am trying to acquire at least two hobbies, one soul enriching and one active. I am doing makeup for a play for the next couple weeks. The community theatre folks here are pretty cool so far. A good amount of them don’t take the play too seriously because after all it is “community fucking theatre” as one actress said. After I’m done makeup, I’ll be in two little shows that open in November. I have already met most of the other actors and they seem chill.

For the second activity, I’m looking into Roller Derby but am proceeding with caution since I have history of injuries with contact sports. I’m also working on the paperwork (WHY IS THERE SO MUCH PAPERWORK?) to sign up for the gym at work. I plan to do a yoga class there but I my concern with yoga is that it works on you as a person, not as a member of a team. I really want something that teaches me how to work with or alongside other people in an encouraging environment. One of my friends today mentioned Tai Kwon Do and I said I’d give it a shot if they joined me.

I am trying.

But the blog. I do not know what to do about the blog. I see a couple options but in all honesty, I am yearning for some audience participation on this one. Please tell me what you want; I do not know and I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job predicting.

1. Continue as is with my weekly postings. Try to make them shorter, easier to read.
2. Post multiple times a week. Less complete content but higher volume.
3. Take requests from my readers and talk about one topic. I’m thinking this could either go AMA style or questions could be related to being a Lady Scientist, being in my 20s, being fabulous, whatever. I don’t think I’m any good at advice so it wouldn’t be an advice column, just more directed blatherings.
4. Continue posting little essays each week.
5. Ask people on the mailing list how they are doing. Pick up the damn phone. Take more care to cultivate more interpersonal relationships instead of parasocial.

Additionally, I will be working to write on my own and use it as cognitive tool for processing information and emotions off-line. I feel somewhat bad that I have used this space inappropriately for that and I will try to work through my own things on my own more in the future.

To close, I wanted to highlight a video that is completely opposite to Taylor Swift’s Wildest Dreams racist fiasco. This artist shows us that it is not “a deal” to have people of different colors and abilities in one place. She shows in this video that dance has the power to heal and that art can help overcome really really difficult situations. I am glad to have found this particular video this week and I’m glad I’m allowing myself to do crafts and art to relieve the pain of loneliness.

Tumbleweed>Tumbleweave

So it turns out, I’ve been living a pretty poverty stricken life for the past…7 years? Recently, I got a kush-as-fuck* job with The Lab on The Hill (TLoTH) and moved to the little bubble of a town adjoining it. I’d like to return to my blog, hopefully once a week, to document the differences and to keep my friends up to date on my life’s goings on. I’ve been in this new state for a week and so far I’ve found some pretty weird things. Warning: I’m about to show my California self.

Car Idling

Seriously? People still do this? I guess it’s hot as balls while waiting for your grandmother to send mail at the post office but why don’t you just go INSIDE with her where it’s air-conditioned. You’re sitting in the passenger seat. You’re not going anywhere.

Streets not labeled

You don’t want me to know where the post office is. Why should it be easy to find a public service building? It’s not like I need to file an extension on my taxes or ship my entire worldly possessions.

Plastic bags

Who does this anymore? Not only do the stores only seem to have plastic bags, they do that thing where they double bag them. Pieces of shit fall apart anyway. Good thing I imported all of my Good Californian Reusable Bags. Oh wait….they’re still in the mail. In the post office can’t seem to be able to locate.

On site laundry

BEST. There is super super cheap laundry on site. I am in love with this fact. I no longer have to trek my 40 lb of laundry every two weeks to the questionable-at-times laundromat next to the 711 five blocks away.  Brb…gotta go put stuff in the dryer. ::returns:: 25¢ for 12 minutes. Insanity pants!

The word Albuquerque is too damn long!

I’m not going to be bothered to learn a word that has more letters than the days I’ve visited it. That’s what airport abbreviations and autocorrect are for. Damnit ABQ.

Gender norm enforcements

This is probably the thing I’m having the hardest time adjusting to. First off, I’m the scientist. There seems to be a pretty obvious age-related gap in the sexist reactions to this fact. The perspective property managers all assumed PartnerPenguin had gotten a job at TLoTH because he was talking to them while I quietly wrote notes and decided which apartment I wanted to pay my paycheck on. Contrastingly (and thankfully) all of the peer-aged people we’ve met have waited a beat when we said we moved here and then let me say “for my new job.”

There are also many things I had forgotten existed after living in California so long. The only options for someone you live with are “boyfriend” or “husband” and if you say anything else, you get looked at funny. Some men I’ve met here act as though their wives are a necessary, but cumbersome commodity. Likewise, women seem to disregard men, especially their husbands, as real people with whom they should communicate. This is a preliminary observation and by no means an absolute judgment. Just very disturbing to me.

Un-ironic bandana usage

It’s windy here. The wind has particles in it. Sometimes microdermabrasion is unwelcome. Still didn’t expect people to honestly wear bandanas on their faces. One more way I can now be a Western Bandit!

Unpredictable skies

It’s clear and sunny outside; let me wear only one sweater! WRONG. It’s windy and freezing. 100% of the time. And when it’s not windy and it looks like it should be warm, the sky is lying.

No recycling

Barbarism. No town/county-wide recycling means if you actually do want to recycle, you have to make a trip to the dump. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit. But I still made a recycling area just in case I change my mind.

Judgmental cross walks

Want to know one sure way to discourage people from walking instead of driving? Make your cross walks extremely judgmental. Whenever I push that little button, I seriously doubt all of my decisions to walk instead of drive anywhere. But there aren’t any side streets and drivers don’t seem to care about pedestrians so J-walking isn’t an option.

Library!!

The best thing about this town is its library. Seriously. PartnerPenguin was at a loss why co-working spaces always fail here. Then he went to the library. The library here is what libraries nation-wide should aspire to be. It is clean, friendly, has big windows with great views and a huge science fiction section. It’s three stories tall and one entire floor devoted to children and teen literature. There is a gallery on the top floor and there is art you can check out for 4 weeks at a time so your new house isn’t so dreary. There are abundant topo maps. There are meeting rooms you can rent out. I got my library card on my first visit.

One thing that I think is super cool about the library is that it’s built in conjunction with the old folks home. There is a good section of large print and audiobooks. I think as people get older, it is so American to exclude them from community and make them feel isolated. I really appreciate that this community has decided to make its public service buildings easily accessible and approachable.

GMO crows

There must be something in the water. Or the air. Or both. I shit you not, these fuckers have a wingspan of 4 ft across. It’s a little Hitchcock-y and more than a little disconcerting.­­

Thanks for reading and hopefully I’ll become more of a regular poster again!

*As defined by someone who made <$4,000 one year recently.