Passover (Pesach) was never my favorite holiday. Most of my memories from this time in my childhood were either of being bored as adults talked, hunger pangs or tummy aches. Simultaneously, there were also memories of my mother orchestrating my elementary school's seder for 500 or so people and the ensuing trips to Sam's Club. But that's somewhat unrelated.
Despite this, Pesach has been one of the few Jewish holidays to elicit a feeling which I rarely experience: homesickness. I panic if I realize I do not have a seder to go to. I feel especially guilty I do not keep kosher. I spent 8 days being confused and judging myself.
This year, I have come to some conclusions. I realized that many of the reasons I hated Passover so passionately as a child was that I am allergic to eggs and almonds. These two ingredients I can tolerate in small doses (eg. in cookies!!) but that's sometimes pushing it. Why would it matter? Because you can't eat wheat on Passover, that's why. Except matzah. All of the wheat substitutes are egg based. There is ceremonial consumption of boiled eggs several times throughout the seder. Ashkinazi Jews often have kugel upon kugel, all of which have a thick egg base. When I wasn't starving, I was having allergic reactions. And I was just told it was normal, maybe I just didn't like the food during this holiday.
It made me examine some other instances where I was told that something I felt or thought was irrelevant because I was a child/teen.
When I was 12 or so, I had a late night IM confidence to a dear friend (or so I thought) about a person in power whom we both knew. I told my friend that I felt this instructor was untrustworthy, and that I felt there was something wrong about the whole situation. The result of this internet conversation was an intervention with the instructor, my parents, the friend's parents and the friend. I was told never to say such nasty things and what was I thinking?
Within a year, this particular instructor was arrested and on trial for sexual harassment of several underage women. (Interestingly, he pleaded gay and said he would never go after women at all. He was convicted as charged, I do believe.) Thankfully I was not involved in the trial or the harassment, though I was interrogated by the police.
When I was 15 I had a teacher who would habitually shame me in front of the class because I had a vocabulary larger than a pea and wasn't afraid of pointing out when his logic or grammar was flawed. Convincing myself to do homework for his class when I knew he would neither read nor care what was written was...a Herculean feat. Many adults in my life told me "these kind of people just exist" and there was nothing unusual about my situation.
Then two days ago this article gets published about how this teacher lied in three different (and completely illogical) ways and is potentially being investigated by the state. While still receiving his salary of $120,000 on "paid leave" until his situation is sorted out.
I guess these two anecdotes were brought to mind thinking about exodus from Egypt as a fleeing from a "narrow place". While some teenagers do lie and misunderstand their situations, why does society handle those who perceive EXACTLY what's going on with such ridicule? Why do adults continue to force teenagers to stay in that narrow place. That place of uncertainty and shame. How do we ever flee this place if we're never suggested tools or have anyone smart/wise to follow?
Anyway, here's a picture of me giving no fucks about how I looked when I was 4. Maybe I'll try to blog more often soon.
