A Hopeful Fan Letter

Dear Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson and Mr. Bill Nye,

I am writing to you today because I am at a career junction and I am not quite sure whom to turn to for advice. I respect you both deeply as scientists and educators who are committed to compassionately sharing science with the world.

I am quickly approaching my halfway mark with The Lab on The Hill (TLoTH). I do not feel zealously passionate about my job, but I know that my work will help people in the local community continue to have access to safe drinking water so I feel good about that. I value my work for what it is but I try not to completely buy into the “do what you love” because I feel like that is a fallacy which devalues working for a living wage. Yet I actually doing geology full time is not utilizing my whole self. Many people in managerial positions do not seem to fully understand what I mean when I ask them for advice.

I am an outgoing scientist. I am a particularly STEM-nerdy theatre geek. I know all of the words at Shabbat service without looking at the siddur. I am a model. I have many friends around the world who I care about and who care about me. I cosplay an amazing Mabel Pines.

I can swiftly and blamelessly address the topic of diversity to a room of 500 TLoTH scientists in a TEDx format. I can give the same talk to the janitors. I am not afraid to publicly address pressing issues to figures of authority.

But where do I go from here? The advice I inevitably get from my mentors and superiors at TLoTH is get a technical PhD. They say this in different tones, with different intentions, but the homogeneity of the answer has been, well, homogeneous.

One woman recently pointed out that one path could be to do a degree in sociology, perhaps gender studies. I am interested in how the national laboratories handle diversity and gender issues and how that affects the country. She responded, “That sounds like a good research project.” After planting this magnificently clever idea in my head, she blankly stated that I would be completely un-hirable if I did this and if I hope to be able to have a family I would not be able to support them with such a degree. To put in context and to be fair, we had just been talking about both having a family and being financially independent.

Several people have suggested a two-part strategy. Get the technical degree and then do advocacy as a “hobby” or passionate interest on the side. Keep participating in Expanding Your Horizons and maybe participate in some training within conferences.

I’m not sure if I’d be satisfied with either of these. I can see myself doing a PhD if the impact of my work is quantifiable and will make a difference. But the fact that that sentence is an inherent contradiction pulls me away from the desire to start one. I had several mildly abusive undergraduate professor-student working relationships and my main criterion for research is that I don’t already hate my advisor.

When I was younger I wanted to be a teacher. Then I was a teacher. I realized that I don’t care for the lack of support you receive for doing such a difficult job. Teaching isn’t ruled out, but I’d have to make more than $13,000/yr this time to make it worth it.

But how do I impact the most people, in the most positive way?  Academia has the funding potential to work on novel problems in neat ways. TA’ing undergrads would probably give me the opportunity to influence many but the astonishing bureaucracy of universities would probably make me lose it, eventually. I could have a couple years to tinker at a difficult problem, but then what?

Continuing in government laboratories would mean that I’d continue to be at the mercy of Congress or other federal institutions for funding, most of the time. Sometimes these funding sources can be stable, but unfortunately I do not work in weapons so fluctuations are to be expected. I have made inroads with TLoTH about potentially doing a recruitment trip to universities and later this month I will give my TED talk again to the managers in my directorate. All of the scientists have told me to stay far away from HR-type situations, but honestly I feel like doing that more at the government level than science sometimes.

Policy is another option, though again it means turning away from science permanently. Ironically, in order to do any policy fellowship from a scientific perspective, you have to have a technical PhD. Loop back to option 1. The only jobs in Washington for people who have purely bullshit backgrounds is in the seats of Congress and I don’t need to go there.

There are also two less likely possibilities. There is industry where I can just make buckets of money and then do whatever the hell I want with my spare time. There is also starting my own company/non-profit. I had an idea for a small project that I actually went to the Key Route City with; and they were interested. Unfortunately, that happened 2 weeks before I started at TLoTH. My parents both echo in me, telling me to do opposite things. My father’s persona tells me to go out on a limb and do something entrepreneurial. My mother reminds me that I have bills and need to eat. I’ve gotten used to eating regularly. Unfortunately.

I have found a couple Masters/PhD ships that combine education and earth science research. I would lean towards those programs as primary targets but I am still uneasy about grad school.

I feel that if I don’t do a technical PhD or Master’s, I’m just one more woman who’s dropped out. The antithesis of what I preach. How do I not make a hypocrite out of myself but also honor my whole personality? How do I make the right sacrifices for my partner and myself?  How do I live up to the potential I’ve built for myself?

I’m on a fast trajectory to somewhere. But how do I site my landing pad before I crash and even land gracefully? Even if you don’t have the answer, I appreciate your reading this all the way and letting me explain what’s going on with me.

-A LadyScientist

P.S. Dr. deGrasse Tyson, if I ever have the opportunity to get your autograph, I would like it to be on this picture, please.

P.P.S. I always sign off with a song so here goes: