An Act of God, Once in a Blue Moon

Buckle up kiddos, it’s going to be a fucking wild ride. There will also be more photos than usual because my brother cares about photos and has a good camera.

I don’t even remember my life from before my last post. (Please click here to see the updated picture of the kitty.)

During the weekdays my brother was in town, we went out a bunch and drank a drink called an “Adios Mothafucka’” and I sang Spice Girls and Carrie Underwood.

I tried a piece of advice someone had told me a couple years ago. If you are having a difficult time with a co-worker, break bread with them and the relationship changes. I have a co-worker who I just could not figure out how to communicate with. I know he’s an outdoorsy guy so I invited him and his wife out to dinner with my brother and I. It was awesome. I learned that lamb is not the celebration meat of everyone’s childhood, just mine. Also: nostalgia trumps professional chefs and my mom’s lamb stew is better than the restaurant’s even though theirs was probably technically better.

Cool. So the day after that dinner, Brother and I headed out after work. We spent the night at a KOA (Kampgrounds of America). Mind boggled. They had flush toilets and showers and electricity. Wut. Neither of us slept well because it was very bright. Morning brought us one of the nicest Denny’s breakfasts either of us had ever eaten. Then it was in to Canyonlands. Brother took a nap while I drove in. The front desk lady was really helpful and showed us how to accomplish all of the things we wanted to do. Our first night had mandatory pack in/pack out of human waste so I got acquainted with a little bag that supposedly sterilized poops so you can throw them out in the regular garbage. They also had this trashcan:

I have to say, National Parks are about the only thing I can unequivocally say make me feel patriotic. I feel very proud to be an American when I can follow a trail through some of the most beautiful countryside and sleep under the Milky Way. The trail was meticulously well marked and we found the campsite no biggie.

We took a quick nap when we set up camp because it was pretty warm out. I wanted to see an Arch because arches are the most majestic of all geologic formation-y things and I love them so. The trail took us to one called Druid Arch that I sincerely hoped looked like Stonehenge. Most of the trail was in a wash with some pretty steep up slopes toward the end. The last little bit (.5 mi or so) I wanted to die but I made it. And GODDAMN was it worth the hike.

On the way back we stopped by a puddle and collected water and treated it. I think this was an interesting and worthwhile experience to have because emergency (read: camping) treated water tastes pretty gross.

By the next morning I was a little heat exhausted but I made it out to the car OK. This started the day hotter than Satan’s balls. By 7 am it was already well into the 80’s and we were drinking water that tasted like chlorine and tadpole pee. I probably got down a liter (don’t judge me for mixing units) and a half by the time we got to the car and went to the visitor center to fill up on regular drinking water. We each filled up 6 L of water, intending 4 for that day and 2 for the next morning. Then we drove to the trailhead of one of the most remote (not 127 Hours remote, but they did warn us they wouldn’t start looking for us immediately if we went missing) trails in Canyonlands. It’s called the Confluence trail and at the end you get to see the Colorado and Green Rivers come together. Spoiler alert: the Colorado wins.

This is where things start to go downhill. It starts of literally. The downhill grade averages 45deg with an abrupt uphill ascent at 80-90deg in 30 ft stretches. We realize how nice it was the day before that we were mostly in a wash and protected by canyon walls. Noon hits us quickly and Brother tells me in this part of the world the hottest time of day is 2-4pm. It’s easily 110deg by this point and as we walk over a little flat area I walk into a tree bough at eye level. I fall over and start crying, like a toddler. Brother wisely advises that I have pretty bad heat exhaustion and I should stay in some shade. He still wants to see the confluence so he finds me a nice patch of shade that will last 3 or so hours and leaves me.

Personally, this was the coolest part of the trip for me. Certainly not because I make excellent company but I got to take a nap in the soft sand and then just hang out with nothing on my mind. I was sitting there, playing in the sand and I see a flurry out of the corner of my eye. I think “Huh. I wonder what birds live here?” and look up. And it’s… A BABY OWL! It was the cutest thing in the entire world and it just sat there staring at me. Occasionally it would open and close its mouth but no sounds came out. Must’ve actually been a baby because someone who knows about birds told me that action meant it wanted me to feed it. It flew away after a while and then I was alone again.

Eventually, Brother returned. He looked pretty beat and laid down in the shade for a while. He asked me how much water we had left. It was only then that I realized we had about 2L between the two of us. We decided it was safest to leave the trail, rather than get stranded with no water. There were no puddles to purify, we would just run out. :< We probably drank close to 8L each that day, total. I was rested and hydrated enough to overcome the entire horrible trail back to the car. My MO became sitting in shade for up to a minute before the really steep stuff.

My total mileage for the weekend was about 17 miles. 2 days. I didn’t look at a topo map but it was certainly 1000’ up and down, if not more. I kept saying “I will never be un-sore from this.”

We decided to go to the town with the KOA for dinner, even though it was an hour and half away. Let’s just say I was really hungry and shaved off a couple minutes of driving time by my incredible driving efficiency. The only place open that late was this fancy-ass bar which served bison and elk and wild boar. Whatevs, Brother didn’t want Denny’s again and I couldn’t care less so bison burgers it was! Cool. So I suggest we stay at the KOA again but he’s all like “Nah.” So we start driving. I’m like “How far we driving?” He’s like “How long you think you can drive?” “45 min or so?” “OK. I’ll drive the rest to TLoTH. And if I get tired you’ll drive.”

I didn’t actually drive that much longer because I was more tired than I thought. He took over and I went straight to sleep. There were a couple swerves from idiot drivers where I woke up but for the most part it was pretty OK sleep. Then very suddenly, I’m jerked awake and get pulled forward as the windshield shatters into a million pieces onto my face/chest/lap. Brother slows the car down and we’re both out of breath saying “What the hell was that?” Got out of car (my door barely opened and I noticed the back window was out too) and looked behind us. A large cow (lady) elk was standing in the middle of the road with her raggedy neck wool and unsteady legs. She totters towards us and I’m all like “Look away! Don’t engage with it!” but then she walks across the road and into the hedges.

Soonafter I see a big SUV car driving up in the opposite direction. They (thankfully) pull over and ask how to help. It’s 12:30 am. Very long and stressful story short, they stayed with us for an hour and half until the police showed up. I learned several things that night:

·      If you get hit by an animal and don’t swerve, it is considered an Act of God. If you swerve, you are liable.

·      State Police here are actually really nice. I’m sure this changes depending on who you are, but in our case all of the police officers were really nice.

·      The Milky Way is very bright in the middle of nowhere.

·      Half-dead elk are easy prey. I didn’t move more than 30 ft from the car if I didn’t have to, I was too scared of mountain lions.

·      Elk walk shit like this off all the time. We were going 55 mph.

·      AAA in this state is terrible. The operator didn’t actually know the geography of where I was, despite my giving her the road and mile marker repeatedly. When a truck was FINALLY dispatched at 3:30, it was dispatched from 85 miles away so we didn’t get the tow until 5am.

·      With permission from the cops, you can camp on the side of the highway here. Especially if your car looks like this and they know AAA sucks.

Needless to say, we did very little the next day. (Two vehicle accidents in 4 months? Really?) Brother felt so bad about the car, it was difficult. I was glad we weren’t more hurt. We saw Minions. The only thing I liked about it was the soundtrack.

Monday was the day Brother left and PartnerPenguin came back to TLoTH. Some complicated logistics later, I got to sleep with PartnerPenguin in the same bed and felt safe for the first time in weeks.

Wednesday was my TEDx talk. Whoooph. I realized that I had tackled a challenging topic, one that other people were unwilling to talk about. I feel there was no way to prepare myself to be in front of a room full of 500 people and have everyone go absolutely silent. In crafting this talk, I realize that I lean a lot on humor, especially self-deprecating humor, as a crutch if I want to talk about something serious. 9 minutes was not enough time for such bullshit. I think that was the most valuable part of giving this talk was crafting my time in such a way that I used every moment to the highest potential. The crux of my talk was how the lab could use student positions like my own to the benefit of both parties. I talked about the student debt burden. I directly addressed the issue of privilege and the lack of discussion around it in STEM academia. I was more nervous than I expected, but I feel like I delivered it strongly and convincingly.

Because my week wasn’t eventful enough, on Friday I started the process of buying a car. This was my personal procedure, because a lot of people helped me and gave me advice.

·      Have PartnerPenguin look up dealerships nearby and narrow down one.

·      (Took some time off work) I went to a local credit union and applied for an auto loan. My final APR was 2.99% which is not excellent but not as bad as Wells Fargo’s 6.49%. I took out more than I was expecting to pay but not more than I could pay back over 3 years.

·      We went to the dealership about an hour and half before closing time on the last day of the month. Unfortunately our saleslady was middle of the pack so closing the deal wasn’t too important to her and she didn’t negotiate too much. None of the offers were stellar.

·      We ate dinner. I hate shopping to begin with; this was one of the most exhausting experiences of my life.

·      Next day, we swapped cars (another friend borrow) for a car that would make it 90 mi and back for cheaper deals.

·      Went to Honda dealership and wound up with a VW. Womp. Salesdude was super chill even though we made him miss the fight. He said it’s the easiest job in the world. We hemmed and hawed and negotiated.

Here she is!!

Her name is Mabel, after Mabel Pines (Gravity Falls). The salesdude said if we don’t want the front paint to chip we can get a bra (which looks stupid) but then I imagined all of the MabelSweater opportunities and I’m stoked!!

One important thing that I would like to chronicle, both for myself and those who love me is that I have developed a mild case of PTSD from the accident. I nearly had a panic attack while driving home at night. Right now I’m trying to avoid night driving and got a referral for a therapist. I might also try medication.

And here’s a bucket of random for you! Congratz for reading this far! I won’t miss a week again, I hope!

P.S. It was also a Blue Moon this week.