Homesick

Coming back to TLoTH after winter break is a pinch to the left of unbearable. It does not cover it to say “I had a good time” or “I enjoyed seeing my friends.” It was more the pain of hearing someone say “Welcome Home” at shul the night before I left. I don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve written, I didn’t need to. Writing is a hobby of pain and instability. Editing is a hobby for sober, normal people. Maybe I’ll edit things one day.

Random poll, actually. If I turned the story of the past year into a book using material from my blog, but more…cohesive, would buy it?

I’ve been thinking a lot about publishing. If I do anything like a New Year’s resolution, it’s more like a mix of intention setting and goal making. My dream possibility for the year is to publish 4 times.

Publication 1: Turn my work at TLoTH into a paper for a peer-reviewed journal. Embrace the expertise and knowledge of my mentors and glean experience where they care. Even if I don’t have anything interesting to say, I will go through the process of putting together a manuscript and figuring out where to submit it.

Publication 2: Publish my thesis. I will have to draft the manuscript on my own but hopefully my inevitable return to the Sunny State will give me proximity to the professors I worked with at Big American U. I realize I can publish my work without them, but I’m not sure I want to burn the bridge with quite that many fireworks.

Publication 3: Already in editing stages. It’s a museum display I researched, wrote and designed for my department at BAU. It needs to be readable to the public but also accurate. Proximity, again, can help me push it into a printed reality. Once it’s up, I plan on entering it in a competition for museum labels. Because why the fuck not?

Publication 4: Turn blog into book. This is the most challenging and possibly the least relevant to my career. I do not deceive myself and think that I can put together and publish a book in year. However, I can commit to spend 5 hours a week (at least) to working on it. I need to research how the industry works, how to reach my target audience (women in undergrad STEM programs? Millenials interested in what actually happens when you land a “relevant” job that requires relocation? Ex’s interested in what’s become of my life?-OK, that one’s not enough of a pool to break even on material so…meh). If it becomes possible to up the allotted time to 20 hours a week, I’d totally be up for that.

My intention for my return to the Key Route City was originally to work part time and use the rest of my productive time researching relevant grad programs. I plan to take a GRE prep course because even looking at the prep book makes me nearly shut down with anxiety.  I can’t do grad school alone. I can’t be so alone with my depression and expect to move forward. I need to be home.

However, this optimistic and selfish plan may not work out. It kinda hinged on PartnerPenguin being BreadWinner#1 for a bit. Unfortunamently, the company PartnerPenguin’s been working for laid him off the Monday before Christmas. He doesn’t seem to be taking it very personally but I guess it’s harder for me to be super chill about it. He’s good at saving (I’m not) so we’ll be all right for a while. We’re still going to Europe after my term at TLoTH. I’m just going to be broke and he’ll be coasting. We’ll return stateside with both of us unemployed, so that’s pretty non-ideal. So if I do write a book, I have to decide how it will help with my career or else abandon the fancy.

But honestly, 3 publications all geology in subject is a pretty fucking lofty goal to meet anyway.

My New Years approach to tending depression is as follows:

Before any interaction with a computer:

*Mindfulness/meditation for 2 minutes

*Read a book 5-10 pages

*Address physiological needs like eating and stretching.

If I start to feel anxious, especially if I find myself compulsively checking Facebook—MAKE SOMETHING! I’m trying to be less judgmental about finishing things (it’s happened once this past year) and just produce.

Here is my current book list, if you’re interested. Yes, I read all of them at once.

*Social Blunders by Tim Sandlin

*Every Time I Find theMeaning of Life, They Change It by Daniel Klein

*Cryptonomicon by Neal Stevenson

* “Breasts” by Stuart Dybak (Best American Short Stories 2004)

*Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

In case I didn’t emphasize enough you NEED to read Come As You Are. Especially if you are a woman. Or have sex with women. Gay men would also probably appreciate the information. The thing I like/appreciate is that the author explains some of the ways I’m deeply messed up with words I understand in an order I haven’t heard before. It is deeply validating to read that I am not alone. That things I’ve just assumed were broken within me are actually normal human responses. This book, combined with Brene Brown’s have actually changed how I view myself. For the better.

Apropos to nothing, here is a ladle dinosaur drinking out of my glass.

 

My current approach to grief is re-watching movies I like. Maybe you, the reader, feel like my use of “grief” is melodramatic. Well, fuck you. It feels like I am re-experiencing all of my traumatic up-rootings again and re-losing all of the stability a “home” provides. My favorite descriptor of experiencing grief is simply: “Grief herds.”

Every time one person dies, you may remember others who have passed. I’ve lost my home too many times so intentionally leaving it (read: him) elsewhere makes me feel completely lost again.

Anyway. For many reasons, Across The Universe is one of my favorite movies. It’s got some of the best drug scenes that are interesting but not claw-your-face-off-horrifying. ::ahem, Pink Floyd’s The Wall movie, ahem:: Bono is a singing Timothy Leary and fucking Eddie Izzard is the KING of ALL DRUGS. But the movie also has one of he most powerful grief storylines that I can stomach presently. (Up obviously wins but is entirely too heavy hitting right now. Ditto for Big Hero 6.) If you haven’t seen the film, there is a scene where they overlay “Let It Be” with a riot. It lose it every time. And Pandora, of course, cues up “Let It Be” on my Simon & Garfunkel station. Also, I give mad props for that movie because for the most part they filmed the songs on set. Thanks Blockbuster, for repeating that tidbit every 20 minutes for 8 hour shifts. Stunning singing and really masculine ballet.

I spent all of my money on sushi, burritos, sushirritos, Ethiopian food I can’t pronounce, papusas, ramen, pancakes, burgers’n’shakes and boba tea. So now I’m broke but everything was completely worth it. Here is a moment of inspiration from another movie I’ve been re-re-watching:

And of course, your musical education continues with these two drastically different pieces. Have a great week!