Becoming

It occurs to me that I haven’t actually written to you, my beautiful readers, in two weeks. I think I felt last week that I didn’t really have anything to say, so I let Dr. Bow take it away.

“Not really having anything to say” is not really the case. I feel like my life has been a close race between me running away from my depression and it catching up. This is my last week living alone, hopefully for a long time. One major advantage that I have found is that if I am feeling unable to mentally get up the effort to do anything, I have explored some rather deeper wounds than I wouldn’t otherwise poke at. It is painful, but I have had whole days where I don’t have to answer to anyone. I have been able to feel. Completely. There is some freedom in that.

I actually don’t want to talk about the times depression has caught up but if you’re available to talk to me on the phone, please let me know. It’s been a month since I went to the Key Route City and I’ve forgotten that it’s OK to call people and ask for support. And just to clarify, I am getting treatment for depression. But the therapist is rather meh for my needs. Meds are still working but I don’t take them all too often (they’re on an “as needed basis” I’m not goin’ off them randomly).

But the things I’ve been doing to run away from my depression have been rather amusing and awesome. So I’ll talk about them!

Work

I’ve finally been given the go ahead to actually get work done. I’ve done interpretations for 70 sets of data and consolidated 14 sets onto one page, then into one chart. Both mentors called me competent and one even said “This is nice, I like this.” I have been going through all of the relevant literature and drawing reasonable but big conclusions. I am demonstrating that I am a good scientist.

It feels very different. I feel strong.

But I also forget how to be social if I do too much deep thinking so it becomes awkward that I'm surrounded by people with their social brains on. I am a social social person so this experience is weird. I guess in all of my experience until now I've only gotten this focused when I write papers or study for finals and in those circumstances, everyone understands to fuck off. It's different in corporate world, but they expect similar results.

Derby

I am getting steadier on my skates every time I go for it. My teammates continue to be supportive, inclusive and encouraging. I was invited to a board meeting that was fairly interesting and had free cupcakes and cookies. It’s really interesting to see what are the broad and long-term goals of any organization.

The best part was that we had a scrimmage! It was Friday night and I was asked to be a scorekeeper. The women I train with were mostly on one team together and it was AMAZING to see how well they did. I was so full of pride and happiness that they played well. Everyone from my league played a very clean game and still kicked ass, beating the other league 105-76.

The second scrimmage was for more advanced skaters but that game was rather overwhelming, faster and dirtier than the first. I get the impression that it doesn’t always go that way, but it’s not uncommon. Ah well. One of my friends was a ref so I got to work with her to keep score, which was cool. Actually playing derby has a lot of people who are either refs or what’s called NSO or Non Skating Officials. Almost more officials than skaters! Hear that Mum? You could still participate in a derby league even if you can’t skate. :P Somewhat related: my mum is coming out this week to visit and my derby team mates have decided to try to get her on skates. Teeeeheeeheee.

After the scrimmage our team all went to the bar. My teammates got to see me drunk which is…a treat. As a different friend who happened to be at the bar says, I was in rare form. Happy drunk Sara is so much more pleasant and amusing than Sad or Serious or Honest drunk Sara. I just dance around a bunch and hug people. Including the bartender. He paid for my drink. Benevolent sexism, ftw.

Now for the interesting bits.

Adventures

President’s day is always a weird “holiday”. I’ve mostly been celebrating that day, and all other days by listening to the soundtrack of Hamilton nonstop. I still can’t get over how much DRAMA they packed into that score.

Anyway, I actually went for adventures that day. New character!! Her name is the Jr. Ranger. She started out as a loose acquaintance but now she basically lives at my house. She’s the kind of person who suggests things to do and doesn’t make me do all the planning all the time. I like her. She’s also pretty easygoing so that’s nice.

The Jr. Ranger, the Tenor and I went on an early morning adventure to some hot springs. The Tenor commented that he likes going places with me because I just talk nonstop about what’s going on outside the window. I’m like a pocket encyclopedia of rocks. #winning

It was SOOOOO COOL to see water rushing through a frozen river. There are these little pools with botryoidal icicles that end abruptly where the water whooshes through. Then there are frozen baby waterfalls with an occasional trickle over the edge. It sounds different too. Hushed, like it’s hiding something. You don’t fool me, creek. I know you’re hiding hypothermia.

As we went uphill towards the hot springs it was so cool to see bright little green sprouts of plants. They looked like an enchanted carpet, next to a giant boulder of obsidian covered in cold looking lichens. Up at the hot pools themselves it was not terribly warm. Instaregret about being in my bathing suit in 30°F weather. But I knew there was a little cave where the water was a lot closer to bathwater. We mostly hung out in there, and it surprisingly was roomy enough for 2 people and a third person’s feet. I have to say, that place is a LOT less spooky during daylight. Last time I was there was with Sam G and it got dark while we were there. Dark=spooky. It was actually really beautiful and peaceful the whole time this time around. And the sun peeked through just long enough for me to warm up. The one benefit of obsidian (especially old, rounded obsidian) is that it’s black and warm.

Me and the Jr. Ranger went to my place and hung out a bit, then decided to go on more adventures. Because that’s how we do. We found this landmark that was behind an adobe wall/fence with bits of dull rebar sticking out at random intervals. She was all like “that’s a silly deterrent” and I was like “yes, it is.” I then tried to get up on the adobe wall/fence and biffed it, right on the rebar. Turns out adobe and rebar are REALLY good deterrents for trespassing. At least for someone who can’t parkour hardcore. I have the most epic bruise/cut in the world on my leg now. I also finally fit into my favorite pair of teal pants after months of not fitting in them. And now those pants have a rebar shaped hole in them. ^___^

Other things….

Oh yes. I put a hole in my ear. Intentionally.

I have been the best at holding people’s hands while they get things pierced. I went with two of my derby teammates to get things pierced. During the first excursion I decided: Y’know what? After 6 years without my upper cartilage pierced, I still want an earring there. Easiest regret to fix. I am so pleased with this decision. It’s a 16 gauge ball-suspension-ring deal. It felt really amazing to take ownership of my body and do something I really wanted. It’s not that I don’t usually have ownership, I just don’t usually go for something that…altering of my appearance.

Finally, the biggest thing that’s transpired since I last wrote to you:

I MET AMANDA FUCKING PALMER AND NEIL GAIMEN. And their baby, whose head is really soft.

This is the best advice a complete stranger has ever given me. Feels extra cool coming from the guy who wrote Sandman too. And I don’t even think I remembered to babble about how much I love his writing. I was brave though and gave them both my card and asked them to please watch my TEDx talk.

It was really amazing and they were really lovely people. I liked that part best, that they were just people who happen to be very successful in their professions. The book they signed is a new journal I started this past week. Every night I write down three things that happened that day that I’m grateful for. Then I share these gratitudes with Good Panda who shares hers with me. It makes for a different kind of connection since we usually talk about our sad or frustrating or scary things that happen to us. It lets us know that there are other things in our lives.

To close out, a song Palmer played to open the event that I feel pretty much encapsulates how I feel the rest of the time when the depression catches up. I hope to come to the resolution she comes to at the end but I’m still working on it. (And Amanda, if you’re reading this please know you are the only artist whose music I’ve ever posted TWICE on this blog. The second Bowie song was a cover and therefore doesn’t count, Dad.)

And then GET THIS, PEOPLE. Someone made a Geology music!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! Here it is!!!!!!