Becoming

It occurs to me that I haven’t actually written to you, my beautiful readers, in two weeks. I think I felt last week that I didn’t really have anything to say, so I let Dr. Bow take it away.

“Not really having anything to say” is not really the case. I feel like my life has been a close race between me running away from my depression and it catching up. This is my last week living alone, hopefully for a long time. One major advantage that I have found is that if I am feeling unable to mentally get up the effort to do anything, I have explored some rather deeper wounds than I wouldn’t otherwise poke at. It is painful, but I have had whole days where I don’t have to answer to anyone. I have been able to feel. Completely. There is some freedom in that.

I actually don’t want to talk about the times depression has caught up but if you’re available to talk to me on the phone, please let me know. It’s been a month since I went to the Key Route City and I’ve forgotten that it’s OK to call people and ask for support. And just to clarify, I am getting treatment for depression. But the therapist is rather meh for my needs. Meds are still working but I don’t take them all too often (they’re on an “as needed basis” I’m not goin’ off them randomly).

But the things I’ve been doing to run away from my depression have been rather amusing and awesome. So I’ll talk about them!

Work

I’ve finally been given the go ahead to actually get work done. I’ve done interpretations for 70 sets of data and consolidated 14 sets onto one page, then into one chart. Both mentors called me competent and one even said “This is nice, I like this.” I have been going through all of the relevant literature and drawing reasonable but big conclusions. I am demonstrating that I am a good scientist.

It feels very different. I feel strong.

But I also forget how to be social if I do too much deep thinking so it becomes awkward that I'm surrounded by people with their social brains on. I am a social social person so this experience is weird. I guess in all of my experience until now I've only gotten this focused when I write papers or study for finals and in those circumstances, everyone understands to fuck off. It's different in corporate world, but they expect similar results.

Derby

I am getting steadier on my skates every time I go for it. My teammates continue to be supportive, inclusive and encouraging. I was invited to a board meeting that was fairly interesting and had free cupcakes and cookies. It’s really interesting to see what are the broad and long-term goals of any organization.

The best part was that we had a scrimmage! It was Friday night and I was asked to be a scorekeeper. The women I train with were mostly on one team together and it was AMAZING to see how well they did. I was so full of pride and happiness that they played well. Everyone from my league played a very clean game and still kicked ass, beating the other league 105-76.

The second scrimmage was for more advanced skaters but that game was rather overwhelming, faster and dirtier than the first. I get the impression that it doesn’t always go that way, but it’s not uncommon. Ah well. One of my friends was a ref so I got to work with her to keep score, which was cool. Actually playing derby has a lot of people who are either refs or what’s called NSO or Non Skating Officials. Almost more officials than skaters! Hear that Mum? You could still participate in a derby league even if you can’t skate. :P Somewhat related: my mum is coming out this week to visit and my derby team mates have decided to try to get her on skates. Teeeeheeeheee.

After the scrimmage our team all went to the bar. My teammates got to see me drunk which is…a treat. As a different friend who happened to be at the bar says, I was in rare form. Happy drunk Sara is so much more pleasant and amusing than Sad or Serious or Honest drunk Sara. I just dance around a bunch and hug people. Including the bartender. He paid for my drink. Benevolent sexism, ftw.

Now for the interesting bits.

Adventures

President’s day is always a weird “holiday”. I’ve mostly been celebrating that day, and all other days by listening to the soundtrack of Hamilton nonstop. I still can’t get over how much DRAMA they packed into that score.

Anyway, I actually went for adventures that day. New character!! Her name is the Jr. Ranger. She started out as a loose acquaintance but now she basically lives at my house. She’s the kind of person who suggests things to do and doesn’t make me do all the planning all the time. I like her. She’s also pretty easygoing so that’s nice.

The Jr. Ranger, the Tenor and I went on an early morning adventure to some hot springs. The Tenor commented that he likes going places with me because I just talk nonstop about what’s going on outside the window. I’m like a pocket encyclopedia of rocks. #winning

It was SOOOOO COOL to see water rushing through a frozen river. There are these little pools with botryoidal icicles that end abruptly where the water whooshes through. Then there are frozen baby waterfalls with an occasional trickle over the edge. It sounds different too. Hushed, like it’s hiding something. You don’t fool me, creek. I know you’re hiding hypothermia.

As we went uphill towards the hot springs it was so cool to see bright little green sprouts of plants. They looked like an enchanted carpet, next to a giant boulder of obsidian covered in cold looking lichens. Up at the hot pools themselves it was not terribly warm. Instaregret about being in my bathing suit in 30°F weather. But I knew there was a little cave where the water was a lot closer to bathwater. We mostly hung out in there, and it surprisingly was roomy enough for 2 people and a third person’s feet. I have to say, that place is a LOT less spooky during daylight. Last time I was there was with Sam G and it got dark while we were there. Dark=spooky. It was actually really beautiful and peaceful the whole time this time around. And the sun peeked through just long enough for me to warm up. The one benefit of obsidian (especially old, rounded obsidian) is that it’s black and warm.

Me and the Jr. Ranger went to my place and hung out a bit, then decided to go on more adventures. Because that’s how we do. We found this landmark that was behind an adobe wall/fence with bits of dull rebar sticking out at random intervals. She was all like “that’s a silly deterrent” and I was like “yes, it is.” I then tried to get up on the adobe wall/fence and biffed it, right on the rebar. Turns out adobe and rebar are REALLY good deterrents for trespassing. At least for someone who can’t parkour hardcore. I have the most epic bruise/cut in the world on my leg now. I also finally fit into my favorite pair of teal pants after months of not fitting in them. And now those pants have a rebar shaped hole in them. ^___^

Other things….

Oh yes. I put a hole in my ear. Intentionally.

I have been the best at holding people’s hands while they get things pierced. I went with two of my derby teammates to get things pierced. During the first excursion I decided: Y’know what? After 6 years without my upper cartilage pierced, I still want an earring there. Easiest regret to fix. I am so pleased with this decision. It’s a 16 gauge ball-suspension-ring deal. It felt really amazing to take ownership of my body and do something I really wanted. It’s not that I don’t usually have ownership, I just don’t usually go for something that…altering of my appearance.

Finally, the biggest thing that’s transpired since I last wrote to you:

I MET AMANDA FUCKING PALMER AND NEIL GAIMEN. And their baby, whose head is really soft.

This is the best advice a complete stranger has ever given me. Feels extra cool coming from the guy who wrote Sandman too. And I don’t even think I remembered to babble about how much I love his writing. I was brave though and gave them both my card and asked them to please watch my TEDx talk.

It was really amazing and they were really lovely people. I liked that part best, that they were just people who happen to be very successful in their professions. The book they signed is a new journal I started this past week. Every night I write down three things that happened that day that I’m grateful for. Then I share these gratitudes with Good Panda who shares hers with me. It makes for a different kind of connection since we usually talk about our sad or frustrating or scary things that happen to us. It lets us know that there are other things in our lives.

To close out, a song Palmer played to open the event that I feel pretty much encapsulates how I feel the rest of the time when the depression catches up. I hope to come to the resolution she comes to at the end but I’m still working on it. (And Amanda, if you’re reading this please know you are the only artist whose music I’ve ever posted TWICE on this blog. The second Bowie song was a cover and therefore doesn’t count, Dad.)

And then GET THIS, PEOPLE. Someone made a Geology music!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! Here it is!!!!!!

And now a word from Dr. Bow

Guest post graciously provided by Dr. Bow. Please support her by checking out her blog at the very bottom!

So this past Fall, I had a unique opportunity presented to me. I had just come back from TLoTH and had a 3 month period that I needed to live in A² Town before I left for South Africa for 5 months. It's really hard to find a short term lease and my parents only live 2.5 hours from A² Town...  and I had a ton of work to get done as I was finishing up my thesis... so I did what every ridiculously poor student thinks about doing at some point ... I lived in my office.

Like literally lived in my office. I used a refrigerator down the hall to store food and cooked all my meals out of a microwave. I showered in the rec center 3/4 of a mile away every night. I had a sleeping pad and sleeping bag I kept in the office along with a pillow and a suitcase full of clothes. I share my office with 7 other people, so it took some finessing and schedule arranging to make it work. I also slept on friends' couches for periods of time when I needed a shower or a break from living where I worked.

Here's my Top 5 Pros and Top 5 Cons that I found come with living in your office. 

Top 5 Pros:

1. Obviously you save a ton of money on Rent. 

2. You get a ton of work done. I would wake up around 7 AM (nothing like fear of your office mates finding you in your pajamas drooling on your pillow to wake you up early!) and immediately start working. My work day usually ended around 10 PM and had a 0 minute commute. It was ridiculously efficient to live in my office; I was able to write 3 papers this Fall, travel to 3 conferences (1 in another country), job interview in West Virginia, and recruit in Boulder. This is not a reasonable amount of work for a graduate student, but living in my office provided this opportunity. 

3. People find it fascinating. I swear, people looked at me differently once I started sleeping in the office, and in a good way. Sure, they questioned my sanity, but I also started getting this gleam of respect. Like I was clearly so committed to my work that I would do anything (i.e. live out of the office) to get it done. Huh. 

4. You can always find your advisor because, you know, you live there. 

5. You can get used to anything, and getting used to sleeping in the office is a super power. If you can work where you sleep, that's like the definition of efficiency. This is a powerful feeling, and I know I was proud of myself for doing this. 

OK, now the real fun... the 5 Cons:

1. Yeah all that money you saved on rent? You spend that on eating out when you know, you're sick of eating out of the microwave. As someone who normally cooks her meals in bulk at home, I spent a ton of money on prepared food this semester. Came out in the black, but not by a large margin. 

2. Dating? Yeah, that's not going to happen when you sleep on the floor of your office. Not a great pick up line. I guess it's a good way to find a bed for the night though. But if you're in a long term relationship, married, or want to date someone, you should not try living in your office. 

3. Your peers judge you. You become the graduate student that no one wants to be, and your peers will let you know that they think there is something wrong with you. You're setting a high (re: low standards) bar for everyone in the office, and no one likes that. 

4. Everyone pities you. Despite the fact that you're happy and people seem to respect you more, everyone will try to mother you and will openly worry about you. It's partly because you're skin looks like it's falling off your face and your hair always looks a bit greasy (comes with the territory), and if you're in the 20s and sleeping in the office, you've made some questionable life decisions leading you to that point. 

5. Floors are not comfortable. Do not delude yourself into thinking otherwise; I only slept well because I was so exhausted after working all day and sleeping only 5 hours a night. Mmm. 

Ah, and here's a bonus: A Thing That Surprised Me

1. My officemates were surprisingly OK with me obviously living in the office and hanging my towel on the coat rack. It did help that I would do essentially 1 week in the office, 1 week on the road or at my parents. I had no negative encounters or early morning surprises (only 1 close call!). 

So, is it something you can do? Sure! Do I recommend it? I mean it, it's definitely fun for a bit, but keep it to about 10 days tops. Past that, people are really going to judge you. 

Also a shameless plug: This is a link to the blog I keep on little adventures like sleeping in the office and other shennigans :) - check it out if you have time: Dr. Bow’s Blog And here is a recent picture from her adventures in South Africa:

*Sara's edit* And none of my blogs are complete without a video so here goes. The textures in this video are amazing!

Talk Less, Smile More

 “Talk less, smile more. Don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for.”-Hamilton (the musical)

This past week has been one of the best weeks I’ve had at TLoTH. (Sidebar, my mom said “Tee-loth” and I wanted to give her a shoutout for saying the most adorable out-loud of an acronym ever.) Two things made it good:

• I stopped giving a fuck that no one expects me to do anything interesting. I’ve worked a lot harder to embrace the mind-numbing nothingness that is inventory and similar work.
• I trusted people who are becoming friends to take care of me.

My goal for the rest of my job is to get the experience of publishing a paper. I will try to prove something with my writing. But if I don’t prove anything, that’s OK. Scientific work that lives in a filing cabinet is useless. If I don’t have a great readership, that’s OK too. I’m fairly sure everything I write will be public so that’ll be cool!

Another thing that really helped was that two co-workers and I spent lunch last Tuesday going ice-skating. I often feel at work that I am inadequate because I do not participate in a sport (or at least one that anyone knows the rules to) or run or hike or climb or do anything active. It turns out, normal people talk about sports. A lot. It has certainly been to my advantage to pretend I care about sportsball at times. But on Tuesday, it was different. I was the only one who was good at ice-skating. I was the only one who was fast. I am never the fast one. I am always the pack-mule who’ll get there eventually and can carry boatloads of stuff but I’m never fast. But after practicing skating for months, I was actually able to be fast on ice. It felt FANTASTIC!

It also felt really nice to just be normal people with my co-workers. I didn’t feel like I was in any kind of weird social situation I couldn’t read. I was just with a couple of friendly people having pleasant conversation and we were all trying not to fall on our butts. Since then, I’ve felt less of a barrier between those two people and myself. I wish I could do something fun like that with the people who I have trouble understanding. Or even eat a meal with those people. Something where I have the opportunity to relax and be myself without being the scary, brass and crass asshole I can be when I get anxious.

The rest of the workweek was literally unremarkable. Doing inventory sucks, no matter where you do it. At least when I did inventory at TLoTH it was with other people. I remember doing a similar thing at BAU and I had to do it all alone. Just me and Sabrina the Teenage Witch for hours on end. Actually, it wasn’t so bad. But damn, some of the chemicals you find doing inventory in any lab are kinda terrifying.

Friday was my day off and I was very glad for that. I don’t always know if I like being on a 9/80 schedule but it pays off when you need to recoup from a week after being away for 2.5 weeks.

I went adventuring with a person I will call Elder Me because she and I are so similar. She is a geologist by training who did PeaceCorps (I did AmeriCorps), worked as a teacher, loves travel and avoids traditional living. We met in a theatre production that I was a <makeup artist> and she was a cast member who could do her own old-age makeup! I really appreciate talking with her because she’s made such different life choices than me, despite our eerie similarities. We went snowshoe adventuring. It was a very odd and unusually tiring experience. She wore snowshoes and I followed in her footsteps, literally. I had these weird things on my shoes called YakTraks that allowed me to keep grip on snow and ice. That was weird because everything about my experience hiking so far tells me that I need to constantly brace myself for slips and falls. Walking in someone else’s footprints also reduces user responsibility to step carefully.

We found some wonky old shit like a giant empty concrete cylinder with one end closed. I sang “Is there anybody OUT there” into the cynlinder thingy and she laughed. I need to make sure to maintain a friend-base that will always get when I quote Pink Floyd. We also found a spooky church that had broken shingles that looked beautiful in the snow. I should probably mention it was snowing hella hard the whole time. Then we explored down into a canyon and at the bottom we slid to on our bottoms to near the creek. Not in it, thankfully! However, it was very snowy (I don’t have snow pants) so the following conversation ensued.

Me: “Ok. In the most non-sexual way possible, I am going to take off my pants AS SOON as I get into your house.”

Elder Me: “Sounds good. In the most non-sexual way possible, I am going to swat your butt because it’s covered in snow.”

Good times.

Learned that the proper food after such an excursion is peppermint hot chocolate and fudge. Good to know for future.

Now I have to tell you the best part of my week! Yes, I have one of those this week.

I had a perfect day.

It was great! Saturday was perfect. Good things happened consistently on a pretty high level for the entire day. That is a difficult thing to achieve and I really want to thank and acknowledge it.

It was planned on Friday night that a group of us wanted to go skiing. The Tenor and The Outdoorsy Sage (TOS) are experienced folks at skiing and snowboarding and both wanted to hit the mountain. Myself and Triple Point Dude (TPD) were like…ehhhhhh? TOS told me that she would teach me how to ski. And the cost for the whole event would be less than $100. I felt like it was a very “when in Rome” moment and took a leap of go-for-it-why-the-hell-not. Later in the same bar, I ran into a dude who I’d met a few times and it turned out he also had to pick someone up at the airport on Saturday at the same time as me. We decided to go together so neither of us was lonely on that drive.

Saturday morning I got up unusually early, like 7 am. By the time TPD the Tenor picked me up I was like a happy puppy. I was going to learn how to ski! I found my field rain pants so I would be warmer than the previous day when I wore jeans in the snow. Note: I still intend on making field gear/rain gear for women with real asses. I had no mobility because my ass is so fabulous that it took up the whole pants and my legs had to fight for room. Turns out this is a problem when skiing. Another note: fleece lined leggings are THE BEST.

Lift tickets and gear rental actually totaled less than $50, which was a great start to the day. The boots were tricky but I got them to work eventually. They make you feel really weird, like you’re pitching forward and ready to fall. The rental people gave me tiny skis. I used poles, though I don’t think they were entirely necessary. TOS met us once we geared up and she taught TPD and how to do pizza and French fries. We practiced on a baby little slope next to the lift and then went on the lift. Ok, WHO THE FUCK INVENTED SKI LIFTS? They are terrifying. I’m not usually too bad with heights but being held on with one point of contact and people below you with sticks in your hands…it was not cool, man. Most of the times I went on the lift I spent the entire time squeezing the beam of the frame and pretending the spooky clouds were friendly cloud monsters. I have to hand it to TOS, though. She did an amazingly excellent job describing exactly what was going to happen when we got to the end of the lift. She was calm and encouraging and we talked about how anything outdoorsy can become disastrous when approached with a machismo attitude. If you set specific and realistic expectations of what’s going to happen, it is a lot easier to be ok with whatever does happen. What excellent, wise advice.

It helped that she also had whiskey. That helped a lot with the fear.

Turns out I’m pretty good at skiing. I didn’t really expect this. I thought skiing was for skinny rich kids. Turns out you just need a strong ass and decently strong legs. Those I got. The muscle groups used were very similar to muscles I use in derby so thankfully I have built some muscle in those areas. I went down the hill I think 6 times and I only fell twice. Like I said, the whiskey helped. I like going fast but I hate being out of control. Once I learned how to turn, I could do both speed and control(ish). Seemed pretty straightforward after that. It’s really fun to hang out with friends on a snowy mountain.

TPD fell pretty hard and that ended our day. I found out it’s called a “yard sale” when all your gear goes flying everywhere and you have to pick it up. He hurt his ankle and I felt sad for him. But I was going pretty fast down the hill and I don’t have control so I just kinda awkwardly passed and waited at the bottom of the hill. He and I went home and The Tenor and TOS kept going to do more challenging stuff.

Showering after going skiing is one of the best sensations in the entire world. It’s not quite on par with snuggling after sex, but it’s not as far away as you’d think. As I got dressed (I got dressed somethin’ fierce for no reason other than I was clean) I listened to the soundtrack of Hamilton. And now suddenly I can’t wait for the Tonys!! If you haven’t heard of this musical yet, it is “the story of America then, told by America now.” It is about the founding fathers of the United States portrayed by a mostly Black cast and almost all of the music is hip-hop inspired. I was really surprised that I identified so much with the main character. The refrain spoken to him throughout the play by Aaron Burr is “Talk less, smile more. Don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for.” Miranda realistically (from what I can tell) develops an antagonistic relationship between the two men so it makes theatrical sense that Burr beats Hamilton in a duel, ending in the latter’s death. But Hamilton continues to not give three fucks about what he’s told and maintains a rogue-ish attitude the whole time while doing what he believes is right for the situation. It felt really good to see some aspects of what I struggle with in my professional life portrayed so accurately in a play. There is definitely going to be some point in the next few years that I will be very poor for a while after seeing this musical and never complain about it because it will be worth it. ^____^

Then I went on a driving adventure down towards the airport. I’m going to call this new friend the B-Boy Dancer We had a sincerely thought provoking discussion about why would hiring managers ever care about diversity. That encouraged me see the issue in a different light. If you look at it from an investment perspective, there is no motivation to go beyond quotas or make risky investments in employees. I don’t agree with that attitude, but I can kinda see where they’d be coming from.

We investigated the store where this state hides all of their Asian food. I was more than a little bit in heaven. I bought pho, ramen and soba noodles. SOUP FOR DAYS!!!! I got so much and it cost so little. Next time I pick someone up from the airport, I will sincerely make an attempt to go there again.

We picked up friends from airport and then had some equally deep convo on the way home. I realized through this conversation that my definition of success is as follows:

“Travel. Meet new people. Make deep connections. Eat wonderful food.”

I have not had the opportunity to do many of these while at TLoTH. I have travelled a lot but it has mostly been in escape of the place, not because I was necessarily exploring the area. I need to keep this definition (or redefine as appropriate) in mind while making my next couple of life steps. I appreciate quieter people who allow me think through my thoughts before speaking because I don’t feel rushed. That is a quality I need to work on, but I love talking too much.

To wrap up, I want to say a quick note on David Bowie.

I found out David Bowie died this morning and I guess it didn’t really hit me. I talked about it with co-workers and they acknowledged him as a singer or maybe they brought up Labyrinth but they weren’t attached to him so his death wasn’t devastating. Only when I got home and saw the amount and type of outpouring on my Facebook feed did it hit me. A lot of my co-workers are straight. Bowie does not have the gravitas as a cultural icon to the mainstream as he does to the LGBT community. It was such an unexpected and grief filled moment to realize that David Bowie is one of the few celebrities who has been openly bisexual. There is no real cultural way to be flamboyantly bisexual. Bowie embodied the grapple between two sets of expectations in many ways from costume and hair down to his two very different eyes. His “oddity” has been a beacon to the queer community for decades, saying: “It’s ok to be different. It’s ok to be so different it feels like you’re from space.”

Being a bisexual woman in a long term heterosexual relationship makes my relationship to my sexual orientation a topic that just doesn’t come up. And it shouldn’t. But I want to be a role model to people and maybe I’m not trend-setting in Lycra but I want people to be comfortable being themselves so that they can continue making awesome stuff and saving this planet from our own destruction.

Here is my new anthem:

And a tribute to Bowie that’s been floating around the internet today:

Homesick

Coming back to TLoTH after winter break is a pinch to the left of unbearable. It does not cover it to say “I had a good time” or “I enjoyed seeing my friends.” It was more the pain of hearing someone say “Welcome Home” at shul the night before I left. I don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve written, I didn’t need to. Writing is a hobby of pain and instability. Editing is a hobby for sober, normal people. Maybe I’ll edit things one day.

Random poll, actually. If I turned the story of the past year into a book using material from my blog, but more…cohesive, would buy it?

I’ve been thinking a lot about publishing. If I do anything like a New Year’s resolution, it’s more like a mix of intention setting and goal making. My dream possibility for the year is to publish 4 times.

Publication 1: Turn my work at TLoTH into a paper for a peer-reviewed journal. Embrace the expertise and knowledge of my mentors and glean experience where they care. Even if I don’t have anything interesting to say, I will go through the process of putting together a manuscript and figuring out where to submit it.

Publication 2: Publish my thesis. I will have to draft the manuscript on my own but hopefully my inevitable return to the Sunny State will give me proximity to the professors I worked with at Big American U. I realize I can publish my work without them, but I’m not sure I want to burn the bridge with quite that many fireworks.

Publication 3: Already in editing stages. It’s a museum display I researched, wrote and designed for my department at BAU. It needs to be readable to the public but also accurate. Proximity, again, can help me push it into a printed reality. Once it’s up, I plan on entering it in a competition for museum labels. Because why the fuck not?

Publication 4: Turn blog into book. This is the most challenging and possibly the least relevant to my career. I do not deceive myself and think that I can put together and publish a book in year. However, I can commit to spend 5 hours a week (at least) to working on it. I need to research how the industry works, how to reach my target audience (women in undergrad STEM programs? Millenials interested in what actually happens when you land a “relevant” job that requires relocation? Ex’s interested in what’s become of my life?-OK, that one’s not enough of a pool to break even on material so…meh). If it becomes possible to up the allotted time to 20 hours a week, I’d totally be up for that.

My intention for my return to the Key Route City was originally to work part time and use the rest of my productive time researching relevant grad programs. I plan to take a GRE prep course because even looking at the prep book makes me nearly shut down with anxiety.  I can’t do grad school alone. I can’t be so alone with my depression and expect to move forward. I need to be home.

However, this optimistic and selfish plan may not work out. It kinda hinged on PartnerPenguin being BreadWinner#1 for a bit. Unfortunamently, the company PartnerPenguin’s been working for laid him off the Monday before Christmas. He doesn’t seem to be taking it very personally but I guess it’s harder for me to be super chill about it. He’s good at saving (I’m not) so we’ll be all right for a while. We’re still going to Europe after my term at TLoTH. I’m just going to be broke and he’ll be coasting. We’ll return stateside with both of us unemployed, so that’s pretty non-ideal. So if I do write a book, I have to decide how it will help with my career or else abandon the fancy.

But honestly, 3 publications all geology in subject is a pretty fucking lofty goal to meet anyway.

My New Years approach to tending depression is as follows:

Before any interaction with a computer:

*Mindfulness/meditation for 2 minutes

*Read a book 5-10 pages

*Address physiological needs like eating and stretching.

If I start to feel anxious, especially if I find myself compulsively checking Facebook—MAKE SOMETHING! I’m trying to be less judgmental about finishing things (it’s happened once this past year) and just produce.

Here is my current book list, if you’re interested. Yes, I read all of them at once.

*Social Blunders by Tim Sandlin

*Every Time I Find theMeaning of Life, They Change It by Daniel Klein

*Cryptonomicon by Neal Stevenson

* “Breasts” by Stuart Dybak (Best American Short Stories 2004)

*Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

In case I didn’t emphasize enough you NEED to read Come As You Are. Especially if you are a woman. Or have sex with women. Gay men would also probably appreciate the information. The thing I like/appreciate is that the author explains some of the ways I’m deeply messed up with words I understand in an order I haven’t heard before. It is deeply validating to read that I am not alone. That things I’ve just assumed were broken within me are actually normal human responses. This book, combined with Brene Brown’s have actually changed how I view myself. For the better.

Apropos to nothing, here is a ladle dinosaur drinking out of my glass.

 

My current approach to grief is re-watching movies I like. Maybe you, the reader, feel like my use of “grief” is melodramatic. Well, fuck you. It feels like I am re-experiencing all of my traumatic up-rootings again and re-losing all of the stability a “home” provides. My favorite descriptor of experiencing grief is simply: “Grief herds.”

Every time one person dies, you may remember others who have passed. I’ve lost my home too many times so intentionally leaving it (read: him) elsewhere makes me feel completely lost again.

Anyway. For many reasons, Across The Universe is one of my favorite movies. It’s got some of the best drug scenes that are interesting but not claw-your-face-off-horrifying. ::ahem, Pink Floyd’s The Wall movie, ahem:: Bono is a singing Timothy Leary and fucking Eddie Izzard is the KING of ALL DRUGS. But the movie also has one of he most powerful grief storylines that I can stomach presently. (Up obviously wins but is entirely too heavy hitting right now. Ditto for Big Hero 6.) If you haven’t seen the film, there is a scene where they overlay “Let It Be” with a riot. It lose it every time. And Pandora, of course, cues up “Let It Be” on my Simon & Garfunkel station. Also, I give mad props for that movie because for the most part they filmed the songs on set. Thanks Blockbuster, for repeating that tidbit every 20 minutes for 8 hour shifts. Stunning singing and really masculine ballet.

I spent all of my money on sushi, burritos, sushirritos, Ethiopian food I can’t pronounce, papusas, ramen, pancakes, burgers’n’shakes and boba tea. So now I’m broke but everything was completely worth it. Here is a moment of inspiration from another movie I’ve been re-re-watching:

And of course, your musical education continues with these two drastically different pieces. Have a great week!