Guest post graciously provided by Dr. Bow.
Please support her by checking out her blog at the very bottom!
So this
past Fall, I had a unique opportunity presented to me. I had just come back
from TLoTH and had a 3 month period that I needed to live in A2 Town before I left for South Africa for 5 months.
It's really hard to find a short term lease and my parents
only live 2.5 hours from A2 Town... and I had a
ton of work to get done as I was finishing up my thesis... so I did what every
ridiculously poor student thinks about doing at some point ... I lived
in my office.
Like literally lived in my office. I used a
refrigerator down the hall to store food and cooked all my meals out of a
microwave. I showered in the rec center 3/4 of a mile away every night. I had a
sleeping pad and sleeping bag I kept in the office along with a pillow and a
suitcase full of clothes. I share my office with 7 other people, so it took
some finessing and schedule arranging to make it work. I also slept on friends'
couches for periods of time when I needed a shower or a break from living where
I worked.
Here's my Top 5 Pros and Top 5 Cons that I
found come with living in your office.
Top 5 Pros:
1. Obviously you save a ton of money on
Rent.
2. You get a ton of work done. I would wake up
around 7 AM (nothing like fear of your office mates finding you in
your pajamas drooling on your pillow to wake you up early!) and immediately
start working. My work day usually ended around 10 PM and had a 0
minute commute. It was ridiculously efficient to live in my office; I was able
to write 3 papers this Fall, travel to 3 conferences (1 in another country),
job interview in West Virginia, and recruit in Boulder. This is not a
reasonable amount of work for a graduate student, but living in my office
provided this opportunity.
3. People find it fascinating. I swear, people
looked at me differently once I started sleeping in the office, and in a good
way. Sure, they questioned my sanity, but I also started getting this gleam
of respect. Like I was clearly so committed to my work that I would
do anything (i.e. live out of the office) to get it done. Huh.
4. You can always find your advisor because,
you know, you live there.
5. You can get used to anything, and getting
used to sleeping in the office is a super power. If you can work where you
sleep, that's like the definition of efficiency. This is a powerful feeling,
and I know I was proud of myself for doing this.
OK, now the real fun... the 5 Cons:
1. Yeah all that money you saved on rent? You
spend that on eating out when you know, you're sick of eating out of the
microwave. As someone who normally cooks her meals in bulk at home, I
spent a ton of money on prepared food this semester. Came out
in the black, but not by a large margin.
2. Dating? Yeah, that's not going to happen
when you sleep on the floor of your office. Not a great pick up line. I guess
it's a good way to find a bed for the night though. But if you're in a long
term relationship, married, or want to date someone, you should not try
living in your office.
3. Your peers judge you. You become the
graduate student that no one wants to be, and your peers will let you know that
they think there is something wrong with you. You're setting a high (re: low
standards) bar for everyone in the office, and no one likes that.
4. Everyone pities you. Despite the fact that
you're happy and people seem to respect you more, everyone will try to mother
you and will openly worry about you. It's partly because you're skin looks like
it's falling off your face and your hair always looks a bit greasy (comes with
the territory), and if you're in the 20s and sleeping in the office, you've
made some questionable life decisions leading you to that point.
5. Floors are not comfortable. Do not delude
yourself into thinking otherwise; I only slept well because I was so exhausted
after working all day and sleeping only 5 hours a night. Mmm.
Ah, and here's a bonus: A Thing That
Surprised Me
1. My officemates were surprisingly OK with me
obviously living in the office and hanging my towel on the coat rack. It did
help that I would do essentially 1 week in the office, 1 week on the road or at
my parents. I had no negative encounters or early morning surprises (only 1
close call!).
So, is it something you can do? Sure! Do I
recommend it? I mean it, it's definitely fun for a bit, but keep it to about 10
days tops. Past that, people are really going to judge you.
Also a shameless plug: This is a link to the
blog I keep on little adventures like sleeping in the office and other
shennigans :) - check it out if you have time: Dr. Bow’s Blog And here is a recent picture from her adventures in South Africa:
*Sara's edit* And none of my blogs are complete without a video so here goes. The textures in this video are amazing!
“Talk less, smile more. Don’t let them know what you’re against
or what you’re for.”-Hamilton (the musical)
This past week has been one of the best weeks I’ve had at
TLoTH. (Sidebar, my mom said “Tee-loth” and I wanted to give her a shoutout for
saying the most adorable out-loud of an acronym ever.) Two things made it good:
I stopped giving a fuck that no one expects me to do
anything interesting. I’ve worked a lot harder to embrace the mind-numbing
nothingness that is inventory and similar work.
I trusted people who are becoming friends to take care of
me.
My goal for the rest of my job is to get the experience of
publishing a paper. I will try to prove something with my writing. But if I
don’t prove anything, that’s OK. Scientific work that lives in a filing cabinet
is useless. If I don’t have a great readership, that’s OK too. I’m fairly sure
everything I write will be public so that’ll be cool!
Another thing that really helped was that two co-workers and
I spent lunch last Tuesday going ice-skating. I often feel at work that I am
inadequate because I do not participate in a sport (or at least one that anyone
knows the rules to) or run or hike or climb or do anything active. It turns
out, normal people talk about sports. A lot. It has certainly been to my
advantage to pretend I care about sportsball at times. But on Tuesday, it was
different. I was the only one who was good
at ice-skating. I was the only one who was fast.
I am never the fast one. I am always the pack-mule who’ll get there eventually
and can carry boatloads of stuff but I’m never fast. But after practicing
skating for months, I was actually able to be fast on ice. It felt FANTASTIC!
It also felt really nice to just be normal people with my
co-workers. I didn’t feel like I was in any kind of weird social situation I
couldn’t read. I was just with a couple of friendly people having pleasant
conversation and we were all trying not to fall on our butts. Since then, I’ve
felt less of a barrier between those two people and myself. I wish I could do
something fun like that with the people who I have trouble understanding. Or
even eat a meal with those people. Something where I have the opportunity to
relax and be myself without being the scary, brass and crass asshole I can be
when I get anxious.
The rest of the workweek was literally unremarkable. Doing
inventory sucks, no matter where you do it. At least when I did inventory at
TLoTH it was with other people. I remember doing a similar thing at BAU and I
had to do it all alone. Just me and Sabrina
the Teenage Witch for hours on end. Actually, it wasn’t so bad. But damn,
some of the chemicals you find doing inventory in any lab are kinda terrifying.
Friday was my day off and I was very glad for that. I don’t
always know if I like being on a 9/80 schedule but it pays off when you need to
recoup from a week after being away for 2.5 weeks.
I went adventuring with a person I will call Elder Me
because she and I are so similar. She is a geologist by training who did
PeaceCorps (I did AmeriCorps), worked as a teacher, loves travel and avoids
traditional living. We met in a theatre production that I was a <makeup
artist> and she was a cast member who could do her own old-age makeup! I
really appreciate talking with her because she’s made such different life
choices than me, despite our eerie similarities. We went snowshoe adventuring.
It was a very odd and unusually tiring experience. She wore snowshoes and I
followed in her footsteps, literally. I had these weird things on my shoes
called YakTraks that allowed me to keep grip on snow and ice. That was weird
because everything about my experience hiking so far tells me that I need to
constantly brace myself for slips and falls. Walking in someone else’s
footprints also reduces user responsibility to step carefully.
We found some wonky old shit like a giant empty concrete
cylinder with one end closed. I sang “Is there anybody OUT there” into the
cynlinder thingy and she laughed. I need to make sure to maintain a friend-base
that will always get when I quote
Pink Floyd. We also found a spooky church that had broken shingles that looked
beautiful in the snow. I should probably mention it was snowing hella hard the
whole time. Then we explored down into a canyon and at the bottom we slid to on
our bottoms to near the creek. Not in it, thankfully! However, it was very
snowy (I don’t have snow pants) so the following conversation ensued.
Me: “Ok. In the most non-sexual way possible, I am going to
take off my pants AS SOON as I get into your house.”
Elder Me: “Sounds good. In the most non-sexual way possible,
I am going to swat your butt because it’s covered in snow.”
Good times.
Learned that the proper food after such an excursion is
peppermint hot chocolate and fudge. Good to know for future.
Now I have to tell you the best part of my week! Yes, I have
one of those this week.
I had a perfect
day.
It was great! Saturday was perfect. Good things happened
consistently on a pretty high level for the entire day. That is a difficult
thing to achieve and I really want to thank and acknowledge it.
It was planned on Friday night that a group of us wanted to
go skiing. The Tenor and The Outdoorsy Sage (TOS) are experienced folks at skiing and
snowboarding and both wanted to hit the mountain. Myself and Triple Point Dude
(TPD) were like…ehhhhhh? TOS told me that she would teach me how to ski.
And the cost for the whole event would be less than $100. I felt like it was a
very “when in Rome” moment and took a leap of go-for-it-why-the-hell-not. Later
in the same bar, I ran into a dude who I’d met a few times and it turned out he
also had to pick someone up at the airport on Saturday at the same time as me.
We decided to go together so neither of us was lonely on that drive.
Saturday morning I got up unusually early, like 7 am. By the
time TPD the Tenor picked me up I was like a happy puppy. I was going to learn
how to ski! I found my field rain pants so I would be warmer than the previous
day when I wore jeans in the snow. Note: I still intend on making field
gear/rain gear for women with real asses. I had no mobility because my ass is
so fabulous that it took up the whole pants and my legs had to fight for room. Turns
out this is a problem when skiing. Another note: fleece lined leggings are THE
BEST.
Lift tickets and gear rental actually totaled less than $50,
which was a great start to the day. The boots were tricky but I got them to
work eventually. They make you feel really weird, like you’re pitching forward
and ready to fall. The rental people gave me tiny skis. I used poles, though I
don’t think they were entirely necessary. TOS met us once we geared up and
she taught TPD and how to do pizza and French fries. We practiced on a baby
little slope next to the lift and then went on the lift. Ok, WHO THE FUCK
INVENTED SKI LIFTS? They are terrifying. I’m not usually too bad with heights
but being held on with one point of contact and people below you with sticks in
your hands…it was not cool, man. Most of the times I went on the lift I spent
the entire time squeezing the beam of the frame and pretending the spooky
clouds were friendly cloud monsters. I have to hand it to TOS, though. She
did an amazingly excellent job describing exactly what was going to happen when
we got to the end of the lift. She was calm and encouraging and we talked about
how anything outdoorsy can become disastrous when approached with a machismo
attitude. If you set specific and realistic expectations of what’s going to
happen, it is a lot easier to be ok with whatever does happen. What excellent,
wise advice.
It helped that she also had whiskey. That helped a lot with
the fear.
Turns out I’m pretty good at skiing. I didn’t really expect
this. I thought skiing was for skinny rich kids. Turns out you just need a
strong ass and decently strong legs. Those I got. The muscle groups used were
very similar to muscles I use in derby so thankfully I have built some muscle
in those areas. I went down the hill I think 6 times and I only fell twice.
Like I said, the whiskey helped. I like going fast but I hate being out of
control. Once I learned how to turn, I could do both speed and control(ish).
Seemed pretty straightforward after that. It’s really fun to hang out with
friends on a snowy mountain.
TPD fell pretty hard and that ended our day. I found out
it’s called a “yard sale” when all your gear goes flying everywhere and you
have to pick it up. He hurt his ankle and I felt sad for him. But I was going
pretty fast down the hill and I don’t have control so I just kinda awkwardly
passed and waited at the bottom of the hill. He and I went home and The Tenor and
TOS kept going to do more challenging stuff.
Showering after going skiing is one of the best sensations
in the entire world. It’s not quite on par with snuggling after sex, but it’s
not as far away as you’d think. As I got dressed (I got dressed somethin’
fierce for no reason other than I was clean) I listened to the soundtrack of Hamilton. And now suddenly I can’t wait
for the Tonys!! If you haven’t heard of this musical yet, it is “the
story of America then, told by America now.” It is about the founding fathers
of the United States portrayed by a mostly Black cast and almost all of the
music is hip-hop inspired. I was really surprised that I identified so much
with the main character. The refrain spoken to him throughout the play by Aaron
Burr is “Talk less, smile more. Don’t let them know what you’re against or what
you’re for.” Miranda realistically (from what I can tell) develops an
antagonistic relationship between the two men so it makes theatrical sense that
Burr beats Hamilton in a duel, ending in the latter’s death. But Hamilton
continues to not give three fucks about what he’s told and maintains a
rogue-ish attitude the whole time while doing what he believes is right for the
situation. It felt really good to see some aspects of what I struggle with in
my professional life portrayed so accurately in a play. There is definitely
going to be some point in the next few years that I will be very poor for a while after seeing this
musical and never complain about it because it will be worth it. ^____^
Then I went on a driving adventure down towards the airport.
I’m going to call this new friend the B-Boy Dancer We had a sincerely thought
provoking discussion about why would hiring managers ever care about diversity.
That encouraged me see the issue in a different light. If you look at it from
an investment perspective, there is no motivation to go beyond quotas or make
risky investments in employees. I don’t agree with that attitude, but I can
kinda see where they’d be coming from.
We investigated the store where this state hides all of
their Asian food. I was more than a little bit in heaven. I bought pho, ramen
and soba noodles. SOUP FOR DAYS!!!! I got so much and it cost so little. Next
time I pick someone up from the airport, I will sincerely make an attempt to go
there again.
We picked up friends from airport and then had some equally
deep convo on the way home. I realized through this conversation that my
definition of success is as follows:
“Travel. Meet new people. Make deep connections. Eat
wonderful food.”
I have not had the opportunity to do many of these while at
TLoTH. I have travelled a lot but it has mostly been in escape of the place,
not because I was necessarily exploring the area. I need to keep this
definition (or redefine as appropriate) in mind while making my next couple of
life steps. I appreciate quieter people who allow me think through my thoughts
before speaking because I don’t feel rushed. That is a quality I need to work
on, but I love talking too much.
To wrap up, I want to say a quick note on David Bowie.
I found out David Bowie died this morning and I guess it
didn’t really hit me. I talked about it with co-workers and they acknowledged
him as a singer or maybe they brought up Labyrinth but they weren’t attached to
him so his death wasn’t devastating. Only when I got home and saw the amount
and type of outpouring on my Facebook feed did it hit me. A lot of my
co-workers are straight. Bowie does not have the gravitas as a cultural icon to
the mainstream as he does to the LGBT community. It was such an unexpected and
grief filled moment to realize that David Bowie is one of the few celebrities
who has been openly bisexual. There is no real cultural way to be flamboyantly
bisexual. Bowie embodied the grapple between two sets of expectations in many
ways from costume and hair down to his two very different eyes. His “oddity”
has been a beacon to the queer community for decades, saying: “It’s ok to be different.
It’s ok to be so different it feels like you’re from space.”
Being a bisexual woman in a long term heterosexual
relationship makes my relationship to my sexual orientation a topic that just
doesn’t come up. And it shouldn’t. But I want to be a role model to people and
maybe I’m not trend-setting in Lycra but I want people to be comfortable being
themselves so that they can continue making awesome stuff and saving this planet
from our own destruction.
Here is my new anthem:
And a tribute to Bowie that’s been floating around the
internet today:
Coming back to TLoTH after winter break is a pinch to the
left of unbearable. It does not cover it to say “I had a good time” or “I
enjoyed seeing my friends.” It was more the pain of hearing someone say
“Welcome Home” at shul the night before I left. I don’t even know how long it’s
been since I’ve written, I didn’t need
to. Writing is a hobby of pain and instability. Editing is a hobby for sober,
normal people. Maybe I’ll edit things one day.
Random poll, actually. If I turned the story of the past
year into a book using material from my blog, but more…cohesive, would buy it?
I’ve been thinking a lot about publishing. If I do anything
like a New Year’s resolution, it’s more like a mix of intention setting and
goal making. My dream possibility for the year is to publish 4 times.
Publication 1: Turn my work at TLoTH into a paper for a
peer-reviewed journal. Embrace the expertise and knowledge of my mentors and
glean experience where they care.
Even if I don’t have anything interesting to say, I will go through the process
of putting together a manuscript and figuring out where to submit it.
Publication 2: Publish my thesis. I will have to draft the
manuscript on my own but hopefully my inevitable return to the Sunny State will
give me proximity to the professors I worked with at Big American U. I realize
I can publish my work without them,
but I’m not sure I want to burn the bridge with quite that many fireworks.
Publication 3: Already in editing stages. It’s a museum
display I researched, wrote and designed for my department at BAU. It needs to
be readable to the public but also accurate. Proximity, again, can help me push
it into a printed reality. Once it’s up, I plan on entering it in a competition
for museum labels. Because why the fuck not?
Publication 4: Turn blog into book. This is the most
challenging and possibly the least relevant to my career. I do not deceive
myself and think that I can put together and publish a book in year. However, I
can commit to spend 5 hours a week (at least) to working on it. I need to
research how the industry works, how to reach my target audience (women in
undergrad STEM programs? Millenials interested in what actually happens when
you land a “relevant” job that requires relocation? Ex’s interested in what’s
become of my life?-OK, that one’s not enough of a pool to break even on
material so…meh). If it becomes possible to up the allotted time to 20 hours a
week, I’d totally be up for that.
My intention for my return to the Key Route City was
originally to work part time and use the rest of my productive time researching
relevant grad programs. I plan to take a GRE prep course because even looking
at the prep book makes me nearly shut down with anxiety.I can’t do grad school alone. I can’t be so
alone with my depression and expect to move forward. I need to be home.
However, this optimistic and selfish plan may not work out.
It kinda hinged on PartnerPenguin being BreadWinner#1 for a bit.
Unfortunamently, the company PartnerPenguin’s been working for laid him off the
Monday before Christmas. He doesn’t seem to be taking it very personally but I
guess it’s harder for me to be super chill about it. He’s good at saving (I’m
not) so we’ll be all right for a while. We’re still going to Europe after my
term at TLoTH. I’m just going to be broke and he’ll be coasting. We’ll return
stateside with both of us unemployed, so that’s pretty non-ideal. So if I do
write a book, I have to decide how it will help with my career or else abandon
the fancy.
But honestly, 3 publications all geology in subject is a
pretty fucking lofty goal to meet anyway.
My New Years approach to tending depression is as follows:
Before any interaction with a computer:
*Mindfulness/meditation for 2 minutes
*Read a book 5-10 pages
*Address physiological needs like eating and stretching.
If I start to feel anxious, especially if I find myself
compulsively checking Facebook—MAKE SOMETHING! I’m trying to be less judgmental
about finishing things (it’s happened once this past year) and just produce.
Here is my current book list, if you’re interested. Yes, I
read all of them at once.
In case I didn’t emphasize enough you NEED to read Come As You Are. Especially if you are a
woman. Or have sex with women. Gay men would also probably appreciate the
information. The thing I like/appreciate is that the author explains some of
the ways I’m deeply messed up with words I understand in an order I haven’t
heard before. It is deeply validating to read that I am not alone. That things
I’ve just assumed were broken within me are actually normal human responses.
This book, combined with Brene Brown’s have actually changed how I view
myself. For the better.
Apropos to nothing, here is a ladle dinosaur drinking out of
my glass.
My current approach to grief is re-watching movies I like.
Maybe you, the reader, feel like my use of “grief” is melodramatic. Well, fuck
you. It feels like I am re-experiencing all of my traumatic up-rootings again
and re-losing all of the stability a “home” provides. My favorite descriptor of
experiencing grief is simply: “Grief herds.”
Every time one person dies, you may remember others who have
passed. I’ve lost my home too many times so intentionally leaving it (read:
him) elsewhere makes me feel completely lost again.
Anyway. For many reasons, Across The Universe is one of my favorite movies. It’s got some of
the best drug scenes that are interesting but not claw-your-face-off-horrifying.
::ahem, Pink Floyd’s The Wall movie,
ahem:: Bono is a singing Timothy Leary and fucking Eddie Izzard is the KING of
ALL DRUGS. But the movie also has one of he most powerful grief storylines that
I can stomach presently. (Up
obviously wins but is entirely too heavy hitting right now. Ditto for Big Hero 6.) If you haven’t seen the
film, there is a scene where they overlay “Let It Be” with a riot. It lose it
every time. And Pandora, of course, cues up “Let It Be” on my Simon &
Garfunkel station. Also, I give mad props for that movie because for the most
part they filmed the songs on set. Thanks Blockbuster, for repeating that
tidbit every 20 minutes for 8 hour shifts. Stunning singing and really
masculine ballet.
I spent all of my money on sushi, burritos, sushirritos,
Ethiopian food I can’t pronounce, papusas, ramen, pancakes, burgers’n’shakes
and boba tea. So now I’m broke but everything was completely worth it. Here is
a moment of inspiration from another movie I’ve been re-re-watching:
And of course, your musical education continues with these
two drastically different pieces. Have a great week!
