Fuzzy Logic of Social Momentum

I’ve learned about a tremendously interesting concept recently: Fuzzy Logic. In essence, the way that we think about things in the physical, math and computing environments are in binary: 1 and 0. Either something is or isn’t. Fuzzy logic takes the “truthiness” of something and places it on an inclusive scale of 1 through 0, 0.5 being a perfect paradox. 

One of the big problems in physical science is the issue of electrons. They mostly exist, but sometimes they don’t. Heisenberg and Schrodinger each had things to say about this but even now we still have issues trying to see electrons where they “ought” to be. But that’s because we’re looking at a binary and we’re looking at and electron like a particle. If we apply Fuzzy logic and also use Einstein’sequation, you can describe an electron as a probabilistic smear of energy in a narrow (whichever orbital band) space and time with relationship to the atom.

This is relevant. I’m a little hesitant to say this is revolutionary because I don’t really have enough handle on quantum physics and higher maths to stand my ground in an argument on this stuff. I also recently watched What The Bleep Do We Know and I got hella mad because I was so aggravated at how poorly it was executed. Even more precisely, I was so angry at how scientists were being portrayed as total crackpots because this is a preconception I have to actively fight.

So how is Fuzzy logic relevant? It’s relevant because by introducing me to it, my friend Robot opened my eyes about how I’ve been viewing my life too narrowly in terms of binaries. Success is not a binary, it’s Fuzzy. It’s not two discrete states of being, it’s a continuum between states that can at times be paradoxical. I’ve been exploring this a lot lately.

I’ve fallen into many traps, recently and throughout my adult life that my identity is a series of binaries. I am a student or I am a professional; despite that in order to afford my books and food during college I held a job. The one I’ve really struggled with in the past year is how my professional identity as a Geologist conflicts with other identities. Miyam Bialik released this amazing video I really like about being a Jewish Woman and a scientist. I feel like her words really resonate with me about that topic but I also feel like being a person with a strong faith isn’t that unusual, at least not at TLoTH it wasn’t.

The (perceived) dichotomy I have been struggling with for upwards of a year was my identity as an artist. Really, science and art are two sides of the same coin. Or maybe science, art and spirituality are really part of a tertiary diagram. Coming out of TLoTH my ternary identification was as follows:

I guess the past year of underemployment has encouraged me to seriously examine my place on the diagram. As part of my re-integrating back home I took up additional responsibilities with my faith community. I did so because I wanted to have more structure and more social interaction. But to me the beauty of Shabbat is that for at least two hours, once a week, you have to slow the fuck down. There isn’t anything else going on. You just need to be present. You need to listen for the harmonies. You need to allow yourself space to let go of the week.

The more difficult thing for me to appreciate was seeing myself as an artist. I have always been good at singing, but I found actually going down the cantorial tract to be an overwhelming amount of emotional labor that I’m not ready to commit to. I’m happy to sing from the pews and occasionally from the bima. Lately I have been making a lot of fabric art like this Bi-pride watchband:

But when I’ve put together my Etsy and my Facebook Artist Page I have found it to be a manner of course. It’s not challenging paperwork to fill out, it’s not large sums of money being made. I suddenly got caught up in thinking it’s not work. It’s not a valid way to spend my time. It’s just fun and dumb and a lot of the knot work I’ve been doing since I was 12.

It has slowly occurred to me that others can’t do this work. Or they can and they don’t want to. Or they can and they don’t have time or make time for it. And they’re willing to pay me to do it instead. It’s fulfilling in REALLY different ways than the science I’ve done up to this point so I’ve struggled to identify it.

So now my ternary diagram is a bit like this:

The thing I’ve most learned from embracing more of myself is that the forward momentum I’ve invite into my life seems to be blurrier. A lot of the most successful networking and mentorship I’ve had came from people I know from shul. Reconnecting with old friends (People Keeper folks) via my knotting art has opened new doors for commissions.

Career stuff

Whether it’s directly related (Hicks-esque manifestation?) or just plain cold perseverance I have had a couple of really excellent things come down the line. Last week I got a letter that announced I passed the really obnoxious print-out, 30 page, short answer test I completed in early April. I passed with 80% which was a huge accomplishment for me and I was really proud.

Now that I am on the list of eligible candidates, it turns out that The Golden State is super into me. They sent me a letter to let me know that another Engineering Geologist position is opening in Key Route City! I’m super stoked about that and I am crafting my resume to fit the bill more closely.

But best of all: I GOT AN INTERVIEW!!! Today I was just hanging out today and I got a call from a number I didn’t know-but it was the correct area code for one of the Engineering Geologist jobs. I fairly surprised but totally overjoyed when it was a manager from one of the positions asking me to come in for an interview. Guess HR’s reading of the situation (that I would not be considered for this position due to the test not being graded) should have been taken with a grain of salt. I’m taking this one step at a time and just viewing this as a great opportunity to learn how to interview. My big question will be about timing because the job was listed as 3/5 part-time. If this means 3 days a week, it will be perfect because then I can take a residence at the job site (95 miles away) but then still live in the Key Route City most of the week. But, like I said, trying to take things one step at a time and not go down the “what if” hole.

Anyway, the interview is in a week and that gives me plenty of time to prepare. I’m still going to apply for the job in the Key Route City because then I won’t have to uproot and change the structure of how I spend my time for the job. I could bike to work. Either opportunity would be great and I’m looking forward to progressing (hopefully) with both.

Health

I had something very strange occur today. Something I’ve very rarely done in my adult life and certainly something I have never considered doing on my own without an accountabilibuddy.

I went on a run.

Today I borrowed a MiltonDog to keep me company and guide my productivity. Having a dog to work is a bit like rubber ducky-ing ideas but with slightly more responsiveness. Dogs, as you know, are generally up for any kind of outdoor things. Walks, hikes, runs, whatever. Dogs are there for it. MiltonDog is just the same. Except he’s tiny. And missed the point of running for fun so halfway through the run it became: “don’t let MiltonDog attack the leash, while also not tripping over MiltonDog because he’s attacking the leash again.”

Overall, this is the most surprising part: I enjoyed myself! I have no memory of enjoying running in my adult life. It was somewhere between shock and joy that I could benefit positively from this activity I have always detested.

Who knows. Maybe I’ll become a rubber band person and get really skinny and pretentious? Can I start drinking frappccinos, wearing active wear everywhere I go and judging other people for making different decisions than me? Or do I have to wait until I can run more than 30 seconds at a time. >__<

MiltonDog really loved all the exercise I did with him today, but he doesn’t understand the consequences of his actions and now he’s exhausted. We walked to the post office before they closed and his little trot was significantly slower. He keeps looking at me balefully because he doesn’t understand why he’s so tired.

Silly doggle.

To close out today, I’d like to share with you a song that came up while Sparkles and I were reaching a breakthrough in my coaching with her. It definitely reminds me of Yann Tiersen (one of my favorite composers) but it’s not as heavy or dark as a lot of his pieces. Here's "Imagining" by Brian Crane.

Burnout: Unemployment Edition

Recently I have been experiencing a lot of burnout, and as I write this I am still trying to heal. This morning I went on a bike ride for the first time in about a month. It felt good to be back in the saddle, as it were, but it seems that biking may be more of a challenge to stay regular with as an activity. For one thing, when my asthma gets worse (which seem to be every time I have a cold) I can’t do aggressive cardio. I feel really ashamed of myself that I consider biking 5 miles a day to be “aggressive cardio” but I guess that’s where I’m at right now.

Another aspect of my routing that fell apart was my daily gratitudes. When I watched the talk of the man with the high eyebrows I was dubious of his claims regarding positivity practices like daily gratitudes. Returning to this practice, I’m back to believing him. It makes a difference to write positive things down. Writing helps me wire my brain to be more positive.

I think the abandonment of anchor routines contributes to my spiraling towards burnout. I haven’t yet figured out how to maintain my anchor routines with the fluctuating schedule of temp work.

On that front, I interviewed (through the temp company) for a longer-term employment. The gig, if I get it, will last 6 weeks. It’s a sales position but it’s within the context of green tech utilities. I feel like the interview went really well so I hope I can do that job. Having consistency in routine for 6 weeks would be awesome.

Recently I did not advance in an application process because the hiring manager felt I was overqualified and he was afraid I would jump ship for something closer to my skill set. The same week I got a rejection because I wasn’t experienced enough to qualify for the position. It is very confusing to get this feedback because neither position points to something I am qualified to do.

Writing this post has been really challenging, but now I’m in my favorite Starbucks and they are playing the music of my youth so I am finally in a place to write.

Healing practices:

Hiking

A couple weekends ago I used the serendipitous magic of Facebook to go on a hike. I posted that I would like to go on a hike that day, and which park I wanted to hike in. Someone responded and we went to that park and hiked. It was marvelous. This friend, henceforth called SassyPants, is someone who has been on the outskirts of my social circles for a bit but we haven’t spent much 1:1 time before. It was great; we did a comfortable 7 mile hike with plenty of mud and even some waterfalls!

I like going for mud hikes after a rain, I like seeing all the cool erosion that happens and the mushrooms that grow all over the place.

It felt good to be outside in the quiet. SassyPants talked briefly about hiking really tall mountains but we agreed that it’s not as fun to hike above the tree line. I said “Well that makes sense. Trees are friends. You don’t want to go hiking without your friends.” It wasn’t until we were in the sound-dimming forest that I realized how much I missed the quiet. When I was an undergrad, I went out all the time. Since my traumatic backpacking experiences with my brother I’ve had a really hard time getting myself to go hiking often. It felt really nice to find a hiking buddy who didn’t push me too hard but got me out nonetheless.

Networking/ meeting people in person

One of the things contributing to my feeling burnt out about unemployment is the sheer quantity of energy I feel like I need to expend, all the time, in applying to jobs. The past couple weeks have slowed slightly but I have continued to network. I found an event put on by a startup incubator and accelerator that is run by Big American University.  It felt much more comfortable than some of the other tech networking events I’ve attended. There is a component of familiarity that counteracts the extraverted energy needed in networking with complete strangers. With everyone in the space being an alum of my alma mater, there is an…almost familial affiliation that makes starting a conversation easier. The comfort and familiarity set the stage for me asking strangers to introduce me to more strangers and have coffee meetings.

Contrastingly, many of the networking events I’ve been to are attended by techies who don’t much care if they have anything in common with me. And in general they don’t have anything in common with me. PartnerPenguin, who has been in the tech scene for much longer than me, delights in the many ways one can invent one’s self when networking with strangers. I don’t much care for lying, I’m not much good at it so I definitely don’t do that in those settings. However more exhausting and difficult is framing who I am, what I “do” and what I’m looking for in a way that others will find me interesting enough to hire.

One of the personal things I’ve been grappling with is that I recently identified that I need practice code switching because I’m currently no good at it. It’s a skill and skills can be learned. But if anyone has resources, please pass them along.

Compassionate lectures by mentors

I think one thing I, and other Millenials, struggle with is the use of social media. Personally, I use Facebook a lot. I have great things happen by use of the medium, like random hikes, tickets to see my favorite artists, being able to follow and reconnect with my friends from all parts of my life. I am aware of their past (past tense tentative) emotional manipulation tactics and feel like I try to stay informed on best practices on how not to get depressed using the platform. Even still, at this point in my life, I feel Facebook is the most direct way of knowing the sheer volume of people I have in my life.

I struggle with what to post of my life and how to interact with commentary. Recently I have posted a couple things that have incited a lot of commentary. Like, on the order of over 80 comments. It has been a new kind of exercise in emotional labor to react to the comments. I have tried to maintain an inclusive environment and foster legitimately respectful conversation between sides that don’t agree. And that’s been exhausting.

But I also struggle (as I know other friends my age do) to avoid across as petulant. Recently I kinda pushed the limits of proper self-censorship when I feel bad compared to sharing that I feel bad. I was really sad on the “Day Without Women” because I wasn’t sure how that related to me. I posted something to that effect on Facebook.

A newer mentor of mine reached out and asked if we could get coffee. I appreciate that everything involved in the interaction was based out of a place of compassion and genuine caring for my wellbeing. That being said, it was a lecture about framing and output. She recommended I watch The Godfather and put forth her own experience about having to pivot within her career.

This was actually the second of such compassionate lectures that a mentor of mine has done recently. I view it as an immense privilege that I finally have strong mentors in my life who are so invested in my productive future that they will intercede when I’m doing stupid shit. Well, give myself credit. Doing things that I don’t know are unacceptable in a professional setting. Folks who are invested and able to share their life experience in such a way that it builds me up.

I feel like this is particularly worth noting in the context of my coming from the scientific community. I have found that “mentors” I was assigned at TLoTH or at Big American University were, in retrospect, really bad at mentoring. My expectations around what a mentor does and how they feel about me are changing. Previously folks with the title “mentor” have not particularly liked me as a person. They frequently acted in a selfish manner and I often felt used, like a pawn. People I’ve looked up to in this capacity have stolen my research or just not given me proper credit. In one case, a person who I’d hoped to be a mentor told me that, “no one [I worked with] liked or trusted me.”

So it is a big deal that I have finally found mentors who are actually in my corner. Mentors who hold my success as a central component to our relationship. Mentors who let me know the (unforeseen by me) consequences of my actions before I do them. This is a big deal. And I appreciate it.

Co-working

A strategy that continues to work for me for coping with being unemployed is co-working. Inviting friends over to work at my place continues to be a challenge for confronting internalized “you may not have people in your space unless it’s pristine.” Anyone who knows me now may be surprised to learn that growing up I was not really allowed to have friends over. My grandmother lived in the front room of my house and my mother was very overwhelmed by being the caretaker of small children and an elderly, handicapped parent that housework was often not a reasonable option for her.

This grew into an unending situation of clutter so that it quickly became a point of shame to have guests in the house. I was small and did not understand this at the time, I just know I was supposed to go over my friends houses because their houses were generally cleaner. Except the one time a friend had rabbits. Rabbits weird me the hell out and their poop was everywhere. I don’t think that lasted very long though.

Anyway, in my adult life I have confronted this childhood issue in a very aggressive way. I strive to keep my apartment tidy, verging on clean. I invite people over and don’t let the status of cleanliness be a determining factor of whether they come. If they want to see me, they come. Lately this has been more successful than I’ve ever anticipated. Friends have come, and even brought their significant others. I like that I am the kind of person who my friends want to introduce to their significant others. And I like that they feel comfortable doing so in our home.

Crafting

The biggest solace I’ve found for rejuvenation in the past couple weeks has been crafting. I make little tiki dudes like this one:

I make bracelets and stuff like that too. I am working on a banner that will say “Subtle like a land mine” but that’s taken a backseat for a bit. It’s really surprising to me, but people have actually been buying my merchandise. I’m working on a bi-pride themed watch band right now, but I futzed around with the colors first so now I have a mostly finished bi-pride themed bracelet. Would anyone on this newsletter like it? I’m asking $40 unless I have to add a lot to the length for it to fit.

I like that crafting can be done while I’m talking to people. I find that it’s somewhat easier for me to pay attention to information, in some ways, when my hands are busy. I know when I took Physics I retained information better when I was sewing. I’ll probably need to alternate what type of crafting I do over time because the constant knotting is making my forearms sore and I don’t want a stress injury.

Music

As always, which I think I convey pretty clearly in this blog, I deal with a lot of my emotions with music. I both make and consume it, pretty much every minute I’m awake. Lately I have been listening to the second half of Hamilton to cry if I’ve needed to cry. I can’t wait to see the play because I’ve heard that Eliza (at least original cast Phillipa Soo) screams before she drops into Burn.

On that note, I’ll leave you with this AMAZEBALLS video and song. I have been low-key obsessed with it for some time and it’s just great. I hope you watch this video many times as I have.

PeopleKeeper

My past week has mostly been focused on getting ill then getting better. As this is interesting for NO ONE, myself included, I am going to focus on explaining a bit more about my PeopleKeeper experiment. Most of the week I have looked like this:

Friends who have read this blog for a year or more have probably experienced firsthand that I no longer live in the physical place where I met you.  I grew up in a very small town outside The Big Scrapple for the first 17 years of my life. If things had gone differently, I very well could have become Leslie Knope and stayed in that little town forever.

When I was 17 years old I ran away from home for about two months. This was the first time I’d ever moved in my life, but it would be far from the last. In the past decade I have moved at least ten times in many different situations. Some moves have been across town, multiple have been cross-country.

My personality is such that I have an easy time creating space for deep connection with limited amount of time knowing someone. I have always been good at maintaining relationships without needing immediate proximity.  My best friend from elementary school moved away for middle school and we stayed in close touch through high school.

The flipside is that I have not realized until recently that there are emotional costs of constantly maintaining relationships, particularly long distance ones. A lot of people are either self-proclaimed “bad at keeping in touch” or are just unused to dealing with long distance friendships. Even near-distance relationships can be challenging, especially in big cities because there are so many things one can do with one’s time. I find that I have at least four distinct friend groups locally with modest overlap.

So when I set out to do my PeopleKeeper project this year, a big aspect of the project was to do some serious introspection regarding how I spend my energy. Though I am not currently diagnosed with mental illness or invisible disabilities, I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder in the past. I have been reading a lot of interesting and novel access stuff. I really like the SpoonTheory of discrete energy units that may be become depleted by doing basic chores if one’s invisible disability reigns that day.

At the time of writing this entry, I have 1,077 “friends” on Facebook. I do try to “prune” occasionally but I am much nicer than a lot of people. Horrible as it may sound, I generally “unfriend” people on their birthday because it is the one time of year their name comes across my feed. Before acting, I go to their wall and look at several of their profile pictures to see if I remember meeting them, having conversations with them and what kind of person they are. I check the “see friendship” action and see if they have interacted with me publicly in the past three years. Sometimes, if I’m unsure, I also check our shared messages; but usually we haven’t spoken directly so that’s not an issue. If at any point along this checklist I either don’t remember them at all or there has been zero interaction, I solidify my decision and “unfriend” them. Generally though, if someone shows up with a birthday I go to their timeline and post “BAPPY FIRTHDAY” and leave it at that.

OK. So starting with a number 7 times larger than my target of 150, I decided to go the other way around. When I came up with this idea in January I decided that I chose the number of people before I chose the people themselves. I have noticed at times before that I get exhausted and overwhelmed talking to the same people too frequently so this new approach would hopefully give me insight into what contributed to this type of exhaustion.

Intimate (5/150, daily): The people I put on my “daily” contact list are my best friends. PartnerPenguin is at the top of this list. These are the folks that I share everything with and we have clear boundaries about when we need to stop talking.

Close Friends (15/150, weekly): Typically the people on this list have a day assigned and that’s the day I reach out and just say hi. The point of this experiment, on any of my “levels” is that a reminder to reach out is just to say “hi”. I am trying to work on the timing of when I reach out so that I get people at times that work better for them, but one nice thing about SMS or FB messenger is that you don’t need to respond immediately. If a conversation happens, great! If not, there’s always next time.

Loose Friends (≈30/150, biweekly): This is a confusing category for some but I’ve found it useful. A lot of folks in this category live in various parts of the country that are not in my immediate vicinity. They are busy people. I want to know what’s going on in their lives but don’t need to be nosy. I also don’t need a play by play of their lives, unless they wish to live Tweet it. Every two weeks is a good spacing to say “Hey, how goes?” Highlights of a two-week period can be summed up in a couple sentences. It’s a long enough period that generally my friends have some degree of introspection and don’t dump daily drama from this time period, but still feel close enough to share if something negative is going on.

Acquaintances (≈40/150, monthly): When I was asked recently what differentiates someone from being on the biweekly list from the monthly list I thought for a minute, looked the person in the eyes and answered “The monthly people are people I want to talk to twelve times a year.” This is the frequency for what I feel is the required boundaries of certain relationships. In a lot of cases, many friendships in this category are strong and long lasting. But my friends are busy, awesome people. Poking them once a month isn’t too much but helps me keep a good pulse on their lives.

One thing that I’ve been asked several times is whether my categorization is rigid. No, it isn’t and if people reach out to me I will generally respond. Except if I’m not in a good place, then I have been practicing a lot with drawing boundaries! A big reason I created the “less frequent” categories of biweekly and monthly were that I have noticed a trend in my adult life. I am almost always the one to initiate contact. I have historically been responsible (generally voluntarily) for the entire upkeep of most of my relationships. I wanted to give myself a break. Decreasing the frequency allows me to either let others step up if they want a more intimate relationship. It also allows me to forgive myself for “letting things go” in a relationship. I have only committed to reaching out once a month. I met that commitment. I can forgive myself for not being a “good” enough friend. I am good enough.

Professional Acquaintances (≈45/150, quarterly): Folks in this category are people I’m interested in knowing professionally or I need to keep a lot of distance for my emotional health. This type of category used to be accounted for by holiday cards but these days it’s a bit difficult to find holidays everyone can get behind. I have a lot of former classmates on this list and I hope that as we progress into our professional careers that they will become valuable players in our job searching quests. Part of going to a Big American University should be the benefits of the alumni network, right?

At this time you might notice that my total is closer to 135 than 150. I’m going to call that as a win for right now because the folks on this list are by no means the only people I talk to. It was more of a way to formalize my energy expenditure and give myself permission to chill out.

I am working with a company called Contact Otter to help design a product that my friends might be able to use. The founder of this company has put together a survey that you might be interested in taking if you would like to use that product. If you’re a computer programmer and you’d like to design a different system, let’s talk! I feel like I put significant time into crafting this the way that works for me, but I’m sure lots of other people work differently and there is space to make multiple tools.

**Challenges**

Sometimes my reminders pile up on my calendar so I wind up with 15 or more in one day. I have generally tried to work around that so there aren’t more than 10 people in a day. But when I was working the security gig the other week, the timing of the workday was really bad for actually communicating with my network. I tried to still contact people because I have found connection, whether deep and genuine or quick and frivolous, is legitimately the best preventative medicine for Depression. I generally gain energy from being around people so reaching out to friends and letting them know I’m having a hard day has actually increased my relationships and also lessened the burden of having a bad day.

**Surprises**

I don’t know why I found this surprising but this experiment has lead to SEEING a lot more people. Saying hi regularly has led to several impromptu get togethers. I have learned that more of my friends are OK with being physically present even if we’re working or it’s a challenging day to be mentally present. A lot of my friends will see my name pop up and then next time they have an extra ticket to a show, offer me that ticket. I realize this is exactly what I signed up for but I have been touched by how much closer I’ve gotten with so many people. My house has become so much more of a home, housing far more friends on a more regular basis than I’d ever dreamed. Once we even had ribs…though everyone involved that night agrees there was a level of serendipity there that was unreasonably lucky.

I hope this entry has given you a peek into my methodology. Thank you, as always, for listening to me. Here is a random giant ball of yarn to reward you for getting to the end of this post!

And now a show tune. A dismal, dissonant show tune. ^____^