The “Perks” of Being an Iconoclast

Update

I got a lot of really good feedback last week and I wanted to clarify a couple things regarding my friend’s work situation. First: the friend and I are non-exempt employees. This means that our employer is legally obligated to pay overtime as is spelled in the law. As the friend did not bring up/ask for this overtime the matter is more or less a wash in a legal sense. The bigger concern to me is that it sounded like the friend was using a pressurized system (or at least heavy machinery) that may or may not have been supervised. Lack of supervision with dangerous equipment combined with fatigue can spell disaster pretty quickly. I did not act upon this story any more than I described last week but I felt that I should clarify where I was coming from with my anger.

Even though BAU didn’t have a super strict safety culture, I still had times where I called in tired. It was better to not work than loose a finger on the saws.

Work, Last Week

I felt like last week was pretty unremarkable until Wednesday. Post-conference in Monument City I have been focusing on getting my work at TLoTH done. My immediate Mentor #1 is out on travel right now so I’ve been a little more laissez faire with strictly doing only my work. I picked up an extra little project my supervisor asked me to do so I went and worked on it. I got to bash rocks so I was pretty content since I rarely get to bash rocks anymore.

As I’m processing samples, MiddleManager1 comes into the room. I greet her as she seems like she’s passing through. She kinda stops and asks if we can have a meeting. I’m like “I’m free now, if you have time.” She’s free, cool.

Except not.

MM1 spends the next half hour giving me what amounts to be a surprise performance review. I didn’t know students could get performance reviews. I most certainly misinterpreted what she said, but this is what it felt like she said.

1.  No one who works with you likes you. All of your mentors feel that you are incapable of finishing anything and they do not trust you to get any work done.
2.  You do not produce an adequate amount of things that are worthwhile.
3. Your behavior in Monument City was abhorrent and several people were horrified by your decision to call out “CAN’T HEAR YOU” to an important person. Why didn't you follow the protocol that no one ever told you about regarding how to tell a talking head they can't be heard by half the audience?
4.  You try to communicate a lot but you don’t do it effectively so your mentors just get so frustrated with you they don’t try to talk to you.
5.  You are not a team player and you do not offer your time or skills to the team in a meaningful way.
6. We do not pay you to do any of this “diversity” stuff. Do it off the clock. It is a hobby. (Or not at all.) This is not what we pay students to do.
7.  The lab likes the management system it has in place. Stop contacting people so much higher in station than yourself. No one likes when you do that. Sort out your problems on a local level.

I said, “Thank you,” and tried to clarify a couple line items. She closed by saying that she expects me to improve within the month. It kinda seemed like an “or else” lingering there but she did not say it.

She left. 

I cried. I sobbed. I completely lost it. I cried the entire rest of the day, except any time I had to interact with people. Which is surprisingly little. You don’t notice that you don’t see anyone in a day except when you want to be surrounded by people and you can’t. I felt completely worthless.

Fortunately I had pickup play rehearsal that night. Things didn’t get too weird onstage and I could hug people offstage without it being unusual. PartnerPenguin and I had conversation when I got home. There was more crying. I told another friend that this happened and he said that is actually his biggest fear: everyone secretly hates him, he has no idea and then he gets dropped without warning.

The next day at work, my peer-aged co-worked noticed I was a bit stressed. I explained my interpretation of the conversation the day before and started crying again. She just walked across the lab area and hugged me. I appreciate her more than I can say. She pointed out that I ask “why” a lot more than most other people, which might be part of the problem. But she didn’t blame me, for which I cannot express how grateful I am.

The rest of the week was just coping enough to see the weekend. Crying reduced and I got shitloads of work done. 

Weekend Happiness!!

This weekend PartnerPenguin came in! The airline people were silly and forgot to check him into his connecting flight so I waited at the airport for about two hours with no result. Womp. I didn’t actually wait at the airport; I waited at a hipster café in the area nearby that I like. Then I took a co-worker’s advice and went to a Polish restaurant. I bought hella perogies and they were divine. At the restaurant I ate a Polish sausage that was just about the best thing since sliced bread.

We finished up our show on Saturday night and it was a blast. I was in three little plays and I feel like I came out with some good friends. Can’t ask for more than that. And on top of everything, there was a pot-luck!

Post-pot-luck I retrieved the PartnerPenguin from the shuttle drop off. I was very proud of myself. I drove by myself at night and did not have a panic attack. And then at the end of the journey I had a PartnerPenguin! Poor dude was exhausted from travel so we konked out as soon as we got home.

Sunday we did strike for the show and I enjoyed the meditative art of mopping. Mopping and cart-wrangling are pretty much the only things I miss from retail. The costumers could suck it but there was something so satisfying about finishing a job, like mopping or having a cart-free parking lot.

At home PartnerPenguin and I had important discussions like when we’re going to Europe and who looks sillier in my Panda Snuggie. It felt good to have a day to relax.

Work, This Week (so far)

First thing Monday morning I met with MiddleManager2 to discuss realistic follow up from the critique of MM1. I do not wish harm upon anyone, but I did feel some satisfaction that MM2 had also gotten slapped on the wrist for supporting me "too much". I guess I felt validated that I wasn’t the only one getting in “trouble” over my over-achievement-yet-simultaneous-ineptitude. I clarified that my job is not on the line. MM2 actually provided that feedback that he does not buy the story that this is entirely my fault. The people who were cited as “not liking” me have not made their expectations of me explicitly clear. They bear some responsibility.

I do not believe that this is going to change the perception. I do not actually believe that his saying this is going to do diddly-squat. But damn did it feel good to hear that I am not solely responsible.

I guess the talking-to did its job, as I’ve been stupidly productive this week. I finished the little project (and taught my supervisor how to use the polishing wheel better). I suggested relevant literature to someone. I get to work with a different colleague on an experiment that involves bubbles. Yes, I get to stare at bubbles!!

This afternoon, I had a really good (direct and kind) discussion with Mentor2. He clarified that he was frustrated with me. And that’s OK because we are both human beings. We get frustrated with each other often: we have similar personalities. But instead of blaming me, he concentrated on the following:

“Look, Sara, I want you to succeed. You are still young. I want you to publish the work you are doing and in order to do that, you need to complete it. You need to put together a story no one else has told and that is worth telling. I believe you can do that. But you really need to focus and complete the task you set out to do. Do not..what is that saying that involves biting and chewing?” “Bite off more than you can chew?” “Yes, don’t do that. You are always busy. I see that. But I need you to be busy finishing your work first.”

THAT. That, people, is how you do mentoring right. You identify the problem. You identify a probable solution. You offer a shit sandwich. I appreciate this man for both his support and his critique. I have immense respect for him and I acknowledge that we don’t always get along but we both have each other’s best interests at heart.

I think this past week taught me that perhaps I can trust the good relationships I have with co-workers and family more. I can reach out. I can ask for help. Despite the glaringly large body of social norms I am faced with, I can cry safely at work sometimes. There are people who support me.

And I need to listen. Listen a lot more.

Music

The following video is brought to you by adults who watch Yo Gabba Gabba with the assistance of LSD.