Where People Love You the Most

Is there such a thing as a trauma treadmill? I’ve been reading about and experiencing the hedonic treadmill. If you’re not familiar: it’s when you acclimate to certain levels of comfort and that becomes your baseline, leaving you wanting more. Being a very poor college student for a very long time, my medium-well paying job has put me in a new level of treadmill. I feel a bit revolted but also a bit proud of myself that I bought a backpacking backpack. But I also feel like I’ve acclimated to certain levels of trauma, even within the past year, that I do not know how to unwind/recover from. I don’t think that these things are related. Just that maybe there is a similar mechanism.

I have been grappling with a lot since landing in the Sunny State. But for the first time in months, I have also been able to help others. Helping other friends, feeling like I am a worthwhile human being and feeling like my ideas matter have been making me feel like me again. It’s so painful. But it’s also so joyful.

On Friday I spent most of the day in the Oroenpaz City. There was a large conference that I couldn’t pay to attend but I hung out in the lobby anyway. No one seemed to give a fuck. I caught up with a bunch of people and felt grounded in that.

Among the people I hung out with was a friend named Dr. Bow. I call her this because she always wears a bow in her hair. She reads my blog (shoutout!) and so we delved immediately to the hearts of my issues with TLoTH. Dr. Bow then joined me as I met with my work colleagues to go to lunch. She observed something very astute:

“It’s really nice to let you be the ringleader. I mean, I love having my friends around me but it’s nice to turn that off and go on autopilot.” Dr. Bow and I have similar leadership personalities but instead of competing, we are able to just turn off the Ringleader role and be content when hanging out with the other woman’s “crew.” This possibility is actually extremely wonderful to savor because I know there are other women leaders who I can feel close with but not competitive.

Dr. Bow parted ways and I spent some time with my co-workers. This proved to be very problematic for me. Firstly the two peer-age co-workers hated the city. They pointed out things to hate about it that I would never have thought about let alone consider for any length of time. It felt like personal attacks because this city is one of my cities. My personality is developed from it and other cities like it. There seemed to be some acknowledgement but a dissonance about this linkage with me because the co-workers said things like “I see why you like it” or “It makes me think of you.” I don’t think they intended to, but they were saying more clearly than ever that I am different and they don’t like me because of my difference.

Second, one of my peers informed me that TLoTH offered her a permanent position. We are both in the same intern-ish-but-paid position but now they’ve offered her to stay. She said it in a skirting way, like she’d been hiding it from me for months but she knew I’d have to find out eventually. I felt a lot of envy that this permanent position was offered but also a lot of anger that she was so blatantly favored. She has been there longer and doesn’t ask too many questions like me. I appreciate, to some extent that she’d hid it and wasn’t bragging. But it made me feel worse that I don’t have a Long-Term Plan.

The third issue didn’t really actively happen while I was with the co-workers but rather after. It wasn’t very specific to a moment, but I had this persistent, gut-wrenching terror for the whole afternoon that what happened at TLoTH would happen again in Orodepaz City. I was panic-stricken and horrified that all my friends and loved ones would secretly turn out to hate me. And then sit me down and tell me.

I was afraid of this when I arrived at shul, probably one of the places I feel the most safe in the world. Fortunately, the clergy are sensitive to people who feel out of whack. They must teach “Identify Out-of-Whack Congregants” in clergy school. There is a new Rabbi who gave me some excellent advice about compassion. Then the Cantor arrived (I sang in the choir that night) and I admitted to her my fears. She seemed hurt, almost physically, to hear my pain. She gave me a hug and we sang songs and I eventually felt better.

I went to a late dinner with my Fourth-Cousin-Twice-Removed. We decided this was our relationship because neither of us understands what any of that means but both of us adopted the same person as our Saba (grandfather). He (the “cousin”) is a cool guy with silly hair that makes him look more emo than he is. Good times.

Saturday morning PartnerPenguin went with me to the Greyhound and sent me on my way to Porn Town. PartnerPenguin had planned to see his brother, Human, but those plans fell through. He took me to the bus all the same.

There are some interesting challenges about getting across the Sunny State. You can travel and maximize for cost, time or reliability. Pick two. I usually go for cost and time but this trip I went for cost and reliability. In reality, this means I spent 20 hours of the past 96 in transit. If I count 25 hours of sleep, that’s only 51 hours of awake time for a trip that cost $140. Grump grump grump.

It was actually a completely fabulous-tastic trip. My friend Sleaze in Porn Town hosted a kick-ass metal-ukelele show. This woman is a role model and I am so proud to call her my friend. She is pretty committed to the whole “practice what you preach” deal and lives very authentically within the bounds she has established for herself. I admire that she brought out several artists she liked to the show and then went shopping at their booths afterwards (in addition to LOUDLY telling everyone else to also partake of their wares). She bought out most of one artist’s prints and pins. When the artist expressed that the money from the sales would allow her to eat that week, Sleaze just kept buying and was like “ok, how much is this?” I also bought a pin from this artist (will post a link here if I find one to her other work):

Sleaze and I had some good talks and she was so excited and happy when I explained that I’m married. She also pointed out that my ring looks like a vulva. Now I can’t unsee it.

One thing I love about staying with Sleaze is how many books she has! Last time I read Cunt and that was pretty foundational and fundamental. This time I picked up Come as You Are and now my whole perception of my own sexuality is changing. The part I like the best is finding out that I’m normal. There is nothing wrong with me. And there are words to help me figure out some of my relationship things. The relief of this discovery makes me want to cry happy tears. Additionally, the freedom to just sit quietly and read is a beautiful thing.

Sleaze let me borrow the book and dropped me off at the train. I sure as hell hope my luck with transit continues because I’ve barely made all of the planes trains and automobuses I’ve had to catch.

My next destination was a Quaint Little Gated Suburbia (QLGS) to visit my friend StarStorm. Star was my field partner in class. For those who are not geologists, your field partner is the person you map with and share responsibility of your grade with. We work well together, Star and I. Recently, she had been making a life for herself in China and got what she thought was a minor sprain. It was actually a bunch of icky stuff that needed surgery so now she can’t walk and is staying with her parents in QLGS. Just the thought of any of these things makes me shudder.

I was actually able to find a lot of peace and fulfillment from the trip. I scared/intimidated her parents but they were mature enough to try to get to know me and allowed me to be vulnerable and honest. I felt such gratitude from Star herself. She and I were able to set out some actionable items to abate the crushing isolation that comes with a sudden lack of autonomy. I introduced her to The Fresh Prince, which somehow she missed. We laughed (a lot), we cried and we just simply were. She organized a lovely get together with friends and I (unsurprisingly) stripped and jumped in the ocean. I get cold super easily but for some reason never when I strip and go in the ocean. Maybe it’s feeling safe. Or whale jizz.

I also saw my friend, the Bicoastal Bisexual. We went to the strip mall that approximates as QLGS’s town center. We rolled down a grassy hill (Mabel voice “Yaaaay! Grass!”) and talked about our lives. It’s interesting seeing someone in such a different environment from where you met her. You find out where they made out when they were 15 and the movie theatre they snuck ice cream into. There’s a sense of nostalgia overlain upon otherwise replicate-able suburban box stores. The part I didn’t like was the PetSmart. Too many living things in cages. I did like Pier 1. They have smelly candles now that are fully inauthentic. They are neither smells nor actual candles. They are LEDs with oils named things like “Paradise”. It was silly. The Bicoastal Bisexual is one of the people I talk to frequently on Facebook and she also reads my blog (shoutout!) so it felt like we hadn’t seen each other in a month or so, when in reality it’s been over a year. I do appreciate when social technology can successfully do that.

Anyway, I’m super tired from travelling so I’ll leave you with a song that Sleaze covered because I can’t find the recording of her doing it. Yay, this song!

Making the Plane Home

This week has been a whirlwind, almost literally. I almost feel like I don’t remember it very well but I’m on a plane now and so I have a little bit of uninterrupted time to write and I’ll try my best to remember.

Yup. Not really remembering what happened between the last blog post and Friday, but I’m sure it wasn’t worth noting. It’s possible I just cleaned my house and watched Friends.

Friday: It was my day off so I tried to salvage White Car. Yes, the same White Car that got totaled six months ago. As I may or may not have mentioned at the time, the car belonged to my dead father-in-law so the title was in his estate. To call the estate complicated is a flattering compliment and does not begin to cover the tangled mess that it is. Anyway, PartnerPenguin was FINALLY able to get me the title and I was ready to salvage the car.

Except they didn’t have anyone available until Tuesday.

I decided to get the fuck outta dodge anyway and go down to another city. I’m pulling off the freeway and I see a guy who looks like a friend of mine. I pass him and it is a friend of mine! We hung out for the rest of the day until I drove us back to TLoTH and went to derby practice.

Saturday: Baaaaasically didn’t do anything. It was glorious. Oh, and I also talked to PartnerPenguin about adult stuff like retirement. Who the hell am I?

Sunday: At derby in morning, I paid my dues to the league and got to pick my nickname. I am so happy. It is:

Orogenous Zone, or Ozone for short. And my numbers are 215. Watch out world!!!

After practice I prepared for a belated Friendsgiving. I dressed real fancy because 1) I was getting out of my house and 2) I showered and sometimes I don’t like wearing normal clothes after I shower. I found a garment that makes me feel extra protected and I wore that. It’s a pashmina scarf that has beautiful gold woven into a paisley pattern. Once, I was at a doctor’s office and I saw a woman wearing a beautiful scarf. I said “That is the most astonishingly beautiful scarf I have ever seen.” Much to my utter shock, she gave it to me. I mostly wear it when I feel like I need strength but it turns out it’s also brilliantly warm because it’s wool. So I’ve been wearing it a lot lately.

Friendsgiving (new word I learned this year!) was really fun. First of all there was turkey, twice in a month, which is always great. There was a pretty well balanced meal with vegetables and mac’n’cheese and of course stuffing and mashed potatoes. I knew about three quarters of the people there so it was nice to see them all together. It’s always weird when people you know from work are actually roommates of people you know from theatre. It’s also really interesting to see how different geographic locations discuss software development. “Coding” at TLoTH seems to mostly mean the languages Fortran, C, maybe some C++, Latex and other serious science languages. I am accustomed to listening to PartnerPenguin talk about Ruby on Rails, Java, and Javascript (it’s like the difference between Ham and Hamster). Not only does no one care about ‘user experience’ here, they don’t even write adequate documentation. I’m sure some people do, so my sample is biased but I think it speaks a lot to the way that business is conducted on the hill: the mechanics are solid and impressive, but there’s not enough ability to communicate to the public.

After the get together (all the dishes were done upon our departure) I hopped a ride with this dude I’m going to call The Tenor. The reason for this is…and I don’t know how this happens…but the dude has close to perfect pitch but has never sung in a choir or really had any formal music training. I resisted telling him that there are literally men who would kill to have that kind of talent. Anyway, I recently introduced him to Gravity Falls because Gravity Falls is THE BEST. He learned the theme song on the piano.

(Sidebar: DID I MENTION HOW DEVASTATED BUT ALSO SATISFIED I AM WITH THE FACT THAT GRAVITY FALLS IS ENDING NEXT EPISODE? If I haven’t, now you know. And if you haven’t watched it, watch it.)

So we hung out for a bit and watched season 2 of Gravity Falls and I had a whole bunch of plot epiphanies. I don’t typically re-watch shows or if I do there is a good amount of time between the viewings. But as this show comes to a close, it feels good to get all woogedy about plot items I missed. I was also hella nervous for Monday so we had some good real talk and I felt better about my life and started the week strong.

Monday: Monday was a big day for me. Remember when I went to that <conference> in the Key Route City? When I went, I promised to bring back to TLoTH some of the things I found out. In very un-typical lab fashion I decided to take the event in a totally different direction. I have very detailed notes from the event but I decided to print out copies of the notes for people to read and then just have a discussion. I titled the event and asked simply: “How can inclusivity become a mission-critical attribute?”

The turnout was great! There were 20ish people and almost all the cookies I brought were eaten. It was my first time moderating an event and I felt very nervous and apprehensive. I didn’t have a specific direction for the conversation to go which was both a good and a bad decision. It was good because things came up organically and people spoke honestly and eloquently. It was bad because there were fewer actionable items at the end of the conversation than I had hoped to achieve.

But the content was great. It took me a couple days to synthesize but I broke it down into 5 categories.

1. Current Success
2. Culture of Respect (focused mostly on bullying behaviors): current problems and possible solutions
3. Flexibility as it pertains to retention: current problems and possible solutions
4. Attitudes: current problems and possible solutions
5. Recruitment: current problems and possible solutions

I felt very hyper after the event and let all my wooglies out. I get stage fright after I perform. It’s like insta-overthinking in retrospect. The hyper/mania feeling didn’t go away for an hour and half so I took half a Xanax. Man, what a weird drug. It’s very unpleasant and it sedates me all right, but while on it I am not funny. Non-ideal, man, non-ideal.

Tuesday: So at work we’re doing this thing called “12 Days of Christmas” where each co-worker brings in a meal for everyone else for one day. Being the only Jew in the building, of course I made latkes. My co-workers also requested that I bring in a menorah and explain the holiday. Wednesday was my day to bring food so Tuesday night a co-worker (hmmmm. Let’s call him Triple-Point-Dude [TPD] because he looks at mineral phases under high pressure and temperature) came to my place and helped me prepare the food. He shred the potatoes while I cleaned house. Then he shred the onion instead of dicing it and I laughed at his tears.

My neighbor Dori and The Tenor showed up and we all hung out. TPD is going to room with The Tenor because the latter has a spare bedroom. Seriously, real estate? That’s a thing you can do here? Anyway, we gave up on latkes pretty quickly because I didn’t have beer and nobody is patient. I should note that despite making TONS of food, I didn’t actually eat dinner.

We confirmed that the pub next door (part of why I live downtown, the very little nightlife available is next door) was doing karaoke and we walked over. We had a blast. I sang “Come Together” by the Beatles and TPD said that I didn’t ruin that song. Which is impressive! It would be a very fundamental song to ruin. TPD also bought me a second shot of HoneyJack so I was pretty shmamammered pretty early on. And I didn’t have dinner. :<

I ALMOST FORGOT TO MENTION, I SALVAGED WHITE CAR ON TUESDAY. Here is a picture of its final ride:

I think that’s why I was a little irresponsible and irritable on Tuesday night: I did too much adulting on Tuesday day. Anyway, I got to a level of drunk I’ve really only achieved once before: I got truth drunk. I’m a pretty honest person most of the time, but when I get truth drunk, I just tell odd and sometimes scary truths about my life. Last time this happened I told my classmates about how my next door neighbor growing up murdered someone and then tried to cut up the body with a chainsaw.

I don’t think I said anything that bad this time, but I was very honest. Fortunately, there was a lot of stuff going on so I mostly thought my truths to myself. Dori tried to sing the man’s part for “Baby It’s Cold Outside” and it was hilarious. She also sang “Johnny B. Goode” which was awesome and everyone started doing the twist. There was a pretty excellent rendition of “Du Hast” and some pretty pitchy Adele covers. The Tenor sang “Beelzebub” with a couple of the metal dudes and…wow. I have never heard that song before but what the hell, Tenacious D?

I got home and ate some food but it took me forever to get sober. Meanwhile, I was making the rest of the latkes so sometimes they were barely crisp and sometimes they were charred. Good times. I think I got to bed close to 2 am.

Wednesday Of course, Wednesday morning I was the Queen of Hangovers. Shockingly, I was actually able to knock out a really good synthesis of my notes from Monday and I wasn’t interrupted too much because my supervisor was away. Amazing how work happens when you’re not interrupted.  With a couple minor revisions, I felt pretty confident to send it out. I’m proud that I felt good about it because there’s a serious possibility that the notes will circulate pretty high up in management. I’m still nervous about having my name on everything because it means I’m responsible. But it also means I’m responsible if good comes of it. Risk is hard.

The lunch went well. Everyone ate the latkes and said they liked them. Who knows. I had a menorah and explained about the holiday and why you light candles. Then I sang the blessings which was a little weird but cool. The rest of the conversation was about Star Wars and how no one at the table had been alive when the first one came out. Yay! Students outweighed managers!

Thursday: Ok, so I’m now a new level of exhausted and I have to get through one more day. I packed this morning and put on fresh sheets in case a friend stays there while I’m gone. I feel like a disaster when I have to clean and pack at the same time. I also planned to take two checked bags of summer stuff and books so I wouldn’t have to ship them later. Ehhhhhh. That didn’t happen.

I sent my notes to the participants of Monday’s event. I’ve gotten REALLY good responses so far. They mostly include “that was really well done” and “do you mind if I send this to my managers?” Yaaaay!

Anyway, even though I left nearly 2 hours for an hour and half drive PLUS an hour of wait time at the airport, I almost didn’t make it. There were two accidents on the major freeway so what usually takes 45 minutes took two hours. I usually park in the super econ lots but I arrived at 6:02 and the flight was due to leave at 6:25 so I found an “economy” lot at the airport itself. I ditched the two checked bags and just ran with my backpack. (Sidenote: I bought this backpack last night because someone was moving away and selling her really expensive backpacking backpack. Seriously, I got it for 40% original price.) Good thing for derby, I was more successful than usual at running and I got the very last ticket for the plane. And now, yay! I get to see PartnerPenguin when I land!

And tonight, for those who are into Star Wars

A Hannukah Miracle: A Glimpse of Mental Health Stability

Hello Friends.

Thank you for being so patient. With me. With my antics. With my depression. With my very grown-up tendencies to wear a panda snuggie and slippers to a movie theatre. I am a proud Hufflepuff, suck it Gryffindor.

As we plug along in the festival of “Keep the Drapes Far from the Menorah!!” some Jews reflect on past miracles. I’d much rather reflect on present ones and let others rehash tales of bygone sieges.

My current miracle is that I feel well. Not 100%, but maybe like… 75-80%. I’ve been coasting and bumping along between 20-40% for the past months and 10% since the fiasco at work two weeks ago. So 75% is passing like a boss.  There are several contributing factors so I will document them because maybe they will help bring me back to this when I’m back at 10%.

Physical Activities

By far, the most successful thing that’s made me feel better overall has been increasing the amount of physical activity. However, this is also probably the most difficult thing for me to do. I have so many mental obstacles before I actually do something; I think that’s part of the appeal of derby. There are established times for me to show up and that’s all I have to do. At practice on Friday I skated 27 laps as one of the first things I did back on skates. But it was so worth it to receive praise from everyone afterward! I freaking love praise. It’s the shit.

My bike is operational again (yay!) so I tried biking to work. Mostly successful! I wore my pajamas over my skinnyjeans-which was probably not a great decision since the Midget Mafia (those responsible for all bike-related bruises in the shin area) tore them up. But they kept my legs warm-ish. I wore some leather work-gloves and a bandana under my helmet. It was still 25 degrees so I was pretty cold. But I biked to work and back. Next time: tights under not skinnyjeans.

On Saturday I texted a work acquaintance to see if she’d like to go ice-skating with me. She said no but would I like to go for a short hike instead. I know the law of improv is “Yes, and…” but sometimes the law of making someone struggling with making friends is “No, but let’s do this instead.” The thing I was most proud about this hike is that it was completely dark before we got back to the road and I didn’t have a panic attack. Yay! Then she made soba soup and we bemoaned the lack of dim sum in this state. Seriously, if you live in a place that has dim sum, go eat some for me. Oh damnit now I’m hungry.

Side note: I have this co-worker who I eat lunch with almost every day. She has this really amazing knack of making me hungry while I’m eating. Like, I have a perfectly lovely meal in front of me. I’m enjoying it immensely. And then she tells me about something fondu-ed in cheese or schnitzeled and I’m more hungry that I was when I started. It’s impressive.

Ok…where was I. Oh yes. I miss food I don’t have to cook.

After soup I went home and got ready for the first (that I’d heard about) DJ’d party in TLoTH. There is a little bar/co-op deal with beers that are stronger than they ought to be. I started going there more often during my play because a cast-mate and I usually grabbed drinks after rehearsals. But they entered into the big-leagues this weekend by actually locating and booking a real DJ! Ok, so it was a 19-year-old kid with rich parents, but honestly I didn’t care. He was pretty decent. And shockingly... people danced! Initially there was just me and some other women on the floor. Then this one really charismatic dude broke it down and BAM! Dance floor full.

Everyone is always more attractive when they dance (even badly) but I have to pause for a moment and acknowledge that there was a man who looked EXACTLY like Captain America. He had the chiseled Chris Evans face with the leather jacket. I really wanted to go over to him and say “I’m team Cap, 100%” but finally decided that would be too creepy so I didn’t. On another bright side, I now know who my co-workers are dating (spoiler alert, it’s not quite each other). I love dancing and someone made sure I drank beer so I danced without inhibitions. Also, I wore my new(ish) corset because I don’t wear it enough and I was feelin’ it on Saturday. It was remarkably comfortable to dance in! Now I remember that I bought it for back support, not just to be sexy. But being sexier is an added bonus. Contemplating wearing it to work, loosely tied.

Speaking of backs…

Medical

I saw a chiropractor today. Turns out the chiro I’d seen before was a fru-fru kind of chiro and this lady was all business. She cracked me a lot. Except my hips. My hips are crooked and stubborn. Though she made me remember that fru-fru-chiro once replaced my femur in my hip socket because it had been chillin’ outside of the socket for a while. Who knows how long. WHY BODY? A friend recently likened my body to the city of Kuwait: beautiful on the outside but the infrastructure sucks.

Relationship

Without going into the content, PartnerPenguin and I have been having a series of remarkably difficult conversations. I super applaud and love him for allowing himself moments of complete honesty and true vulnerability. In my opinion, there is nothing more sexy than a man I love being honest emotionally with me. We have an excellent relationship, but the distance has shown light into some of the holes and they are rather larger than I originally thought. That in and of itself it painful to acknowledge, but mending the holes is more painful. But that’s why we’re so creative. Feeling optimistic and grounded about my relationship is a major contributor to my increased mental health.

Work

I have been inventing a new thing at work. I have been working with a new team for this project. The scientists on this team are letting me pretty creative with how we approach the problem. I got to sew at work. The thing I sewed didn’t work, but that’s OK! It was just an idea. But then I had a couple more ideas. Combined with the ideas of other team members, we are working towards a solution.

Ironically, I’m doing mechanical engineering. Lol. Geologists, what will you come up with next.

Of everything I’ve done at the TLoTH, I hope this eventually comes out to the world at large. If it works, it will become scaled industrially and that would be hella cool if my name was on a manufacturing procedure. It’s also OK if it doesn’t, it’s been a fun project.

In other work news: I used our X-Ray machine so much I burnt out the tube. This happens in science.

Social

I think one of the proudest thing I did this week was I had guests over for Light Candelabra Festival. Due to some hilarious miscommunication, the original friend who asked me to make latkes never showed up on Sunday. But I was really glad I’d invited the two friend-moms that I had. I felt for one of the few time in this town that I could let go if I needed to. I clearly communicated that I was not feeling well mental health-wise (this was hours after the difficult discussion with ParterPenguin) and they respected it. We talked about it, in a productive manner. I felt like they cared and I mattered. It was beautiful.

Monday was also latke night, with the friend who originally requested it. She’s pretty awesome and radically accepting too.

FRY POTATOES AND EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ALL AROUND!!

The following were brought to you by the letter hey. The friendliest, but most shy of all letters because it’s usually silent but says “ha” when it decides to talk.

So this exists: 

And so does this: