I’m abandoning my structure because this week has not been
about structure. This week has been about things bleeding into each other.
One of the takeaways about the past week that I really need
to examine is: How do I value myself. People often tell me I am strong but I
feel very weak, especially in the past 4 days. In those days, I have completely
lost footing in my confidence and let my self-esteem go entirely.
I thought about calling this post “The Silent Sound of
Attrition” but I think I will reserve that title for a poem I will write. At
some point.
The facts of what’s been going on:
- My play(s) opens on November 6th
- I am going to a conference Oct 31-Nov 4
- I am presenting two posters at this conference, both from BAU and TLoTH
- My dad and Catlady (his girlfriend) are coming to the conference to support me
- I am spending my birthday with my mom
- I fly back to TLoTH on November 6th, theoretically at 2 pm
- PartnerPenguin and I are still in a long-distance relationship
- I have wine. Sometimes I even drink it.
- The Flash and
The Absolute Sandman, Vol. 3 exist
Cool technology tidbit aside: my friend is currently
studying abroad in London and she told me she saw Benedict Cumberbatch in a
production of Hamlet. I have tickets to see a “live” streamed production of the
same play on Friday night. The world is certainly flat.
So here’s where I am. When I was writing my abstract over
the summer, I poured hours over it, trying to incorporate all of my findings
from BAU. After several drafts and reverting back to last year’s draft with
some additional findings, I sent the abstract to the profs at BAU who
“mentored” me. I sent them the abstracts a full month in advance to an
arbitrary deadline I set so I could get internal review and stop thinking about
it. Neither prof responded more than a week before the deadline and within that
context, one emailed me at 10 am for a noon deadline.
Backing up: what I did for my undergrad thesis was a pretty
fundamental examination of bedrock mineralogy in a place studied for 7+ years
without bedrock mineralogy. It was boring, rough work but literally: somebody
HAD to do it. Despite my attempts, Prof 1 never pinned down a hypothesis so my
focus was constantly shifting and never really answering questions. I spent a
whole semester doing carbon fractionation. This involved 12-hour days (6a-7p,
hour lunch) of tedious, technically difficult work. Not only did I never see
the results, they never had anything to do with my mineralogy to start with.
Fast-forward to seven months ago. I am finally invited to a meeting on the project. There are at least 6
primary investigators (2 of whom are Prof 1 and Prof 2) with Prof 2 being the
chief of their clan. I am asked to give a powerpoint on my findings. This is 4
months after I’d submitted a “thesis” to Prof 1 who did not comment on it, gave
me an A (this person doesn’t believe in A+s) and gave me 50 pictures to
synthesize two weeks before it was due. I have had some time to synthesize all
of my disparate experiments and try to make some meaning of them. I bring a
copy of my “thesis” and show other PIs. They love it. They are impressed.
After the presentation, there was Q&A time wherein
mostly profs grilled me about various things I knew and didn’t know. One of the
PIs asked me directly “What are your plans for publication?” Prof 1 looked at
this PI and said “She’s not publishing.” No reason. No follow up. Just, no.
She’s not publishing. In front of 30 people.
I have rationalized this interaction for half a year. Maybe
Prof 1 thought I wasn’t ready. Maybe they thought my data was no good. Prof 1
is a renowned scientist who has created new fields of science. At some point, I
just accepted that my science wasn’t worthwhile. This person only publishes
cutting edge research; this is not cutting edge or even interesting.
This has left me with some pretty complicated feels.
Essentially, this weekend they boiled down to: my research is garbage. It is
single-use, disposable and not worth noting. This very quickly devolved into my
thinking “If my research is garbage, I am therefore garbage because this is
what I put my lifeblood into for a year and a half.” It is VERY difficult to
extract pertinent scientific information when they are wrapped tightly in yards
and yards of stress and feelings of worthlessness.
To compound everything, I have had to work on my poster for
BAU at home in my “free” time. I am tech-ing a show this week. I had to come
home on Tech Sunday and put on earmuffs at rehearsals because I HAD to finish my poster by Tuesday. When
not working during rehearsal, there has been plenty of time to let my thoughts
devolve into harmful and painful patterns that prevent progress in many ways.
Since the long-scale time-frame didn’t work, I just sent
Profs 1&2 and Grad Student my poster to approve on Monday before I sent for
internal approval on Tuesday. Grad Student replied that they would review and
comment Monday night but still--radio silence. The profs either didn’t get it
or didn’t bother. If I don’t hear back from them tomorrow (Wed), I have to send
it to the printer anyways because I need to have a physical poster by Saturday
and that shit takes time.
I don’t understand the standards or the rules. I don’t
understand how this treatment could possibly exist in the same world as TLoTH
where I got called out for not acknowledging someone in casual conversation. My
name is not listed as a researcher on the website. My publication (poster) is
not listed on the publication list. A year and a half of my research is
absorbed into others’ work and there is no mechanism of recognition. I feel
like I don’t exist. Like I never existed. Worse yet, I feel like I don’t
deserve to exist in this context. Maybe my research really is that bad and
unimportant. I don’t think that’s the case. I think I found novel shit that is
somewhat boring but I’ve figured out how to tell a story. I’ve answered
questions no one else has answered. I think I deserve to get a journal
publication, even if not a prestigious one, just so that other people know the
work has been done. Only the poster session will tell, I guess.
Conversely, my TLoTH poster has been really well received. I
have gotten constructive criticism from all of my co-authors (that aren’t
gutting deer) and I feel confident that what I’m presenting matters.
There were
a couple weird bumps on that road this week, mostly related to listening.
Senior Scientists sometimes do not know how to listen. I told my mentor “Can we
please discuss the changes you want to see when we have the poster in front of
us?” at least three times. She completely steamrolled me and kept telling me
what she wanted changed. Several of her edits wound up being irrelevant. It was
very difficult to communicate that there was literally nothing I could do to
change the things she wanted changed at that
time. Since I’ve been on the verge of tears constantly, I cried and hoped
she didn’t notice.
Sometimes I want to scream to the management and people
senior to me, in general, “STUDENTS ARE PEOPLE TOO. In fact, we’re legally
adults!” It’s only in glimpses, but I feel like if the retiring workforce (most
of the lab) actually treated the next generation as those inheriting the thrown
instead of indentured servants, everyone’s careers could benefit.
I mean I’m about to turn 26, for fuck’s sake. I haven’t lived with my parents “at home” for
close to a decade. I’ve seen shit and lived through shit you couldn’t
understand. I’m not a child. Don’t treat me like one.
I have come to peace a lot more with the scientist whom I
was previously having trouble understanding. I now acknowledge that:
- We are both immensely pride-ful and eternally stubborn people
- We care about language as a vehicle for scientific communication
- We care about each other, professionally
- And most importantly:
- He is not allowed to correct my English. Only my science.
Now that I have understood these things about us, my
relationship with him has gotten better. I am still working on sticking up for
myself, especially in stressful situations, but I am working towards it.
Still, I am feeling…under supported with my own coping mechanisms.
I would like to give shout-outs to everyone who hugged me on
Facebook upon my vaugebooking. Further shout-outs to those who texted or
private messaged me. If I didn’t explain what was going on, it was because I
was too fragile. I’m only just now feeling stable enough to write this…and this
instability started to go down about Thursday or Friday.
To the friends who always set aside time to talk with me, I
appreciate you.
Finally, mega shout-out to the Little Bear and her momma for
randomly calling and making my life a whole lot better. Here is a video about
giraffes for you: Giraffes are cool
Here's another picture that will never get published:
No scalebar because I didn't feel like adding one. This illustrates porosity and variable composition of the rock.
Anyway, to wrap up: here we have a song that pretty much
sums up my feelings for now.
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