Depression: Episode 1

As I may or may not have told you, PartnerPenguin is still in the Key Route City trying to pick up a new gig since his last job found a Thai kid who does about the same quality of work for $8/hr. Yay, the joys of being 13 hours behind your client! 

I’ve been doing a pretty OK job living on my own, in general. I haven’t tried since I was 19 so there are aspects that are rusty. Like putting my clothing in my room after it’s been worn; particularly in the dirty clothes bin. But getting in the room is enough of a win in my book.

I’ve been doing really well with food, only eating out twice or so because I didn’t plan enough food. I’ve mostly stuck to my cooking all my meals in one day and eating them the rest of the week. I’ve been pretty good about one western, one eastern dish. I’ve even had enough excess food that I’ve fed others. I’ve been consistent about exercising twice a week in Crossfit. I’ve tried to live up to my goal of socializing 5x/week outside of work, even if it’s been with co-workers.

But spending this much time with myself has created some somewhat unexpected issues.

I depend on PartnerPenguin a LOT to keep me mentally balanced. I have quite a volatile personality and without a good grounding stone, my emotions resemble a roller coaster train wreck. I did something this week that made me ecstatic. In the same evening, I had a conversation that brought up so many sad tokens; I wished I could exchange them in for a stuffed animal. Yesterday I had a conversation that I literally could not recover from for the rest of the day. I cried for more hours than I did not cry. Yet I also washed every piece of dirty laundry, line dried it (saving money), did two loads of hand wash and vacuumed all the carpet in my apartment.

I also am discovering that I’m rubbish at asking for help. In some ways, I am paralyzed from the fear of not being able to trust anyone. I have had someone in my life almost every day for the past seven years whom I trust with my life. I am in a new place with new people who I have only known for two months. I have never understood how little trust I feel comfortable putting into new relationships. I know I was not always like this. And I’ve gotten hurt. Permanently. But I never knew it, or was able to acknowledge it in the same way as I am now when I have nothing else to do except introspect.

To some extent, it is easy to feel like you know me really well because I never filter what’s going on with me at that EXACT moment. But in all honesty, I can count the number of people who actually know what’s going on in my life on one hand. And I sometimes disappear from their lives because I can’t bring myself to tell them I’m in pain and I need them.

I am going to submit my next banner to an art show in September. It is going to say “Subtle like a LANDMINE.” I hope it sells, because that is the best description I’ve ever heard of my personality.

I don’t really have a point that I’m trying to make with this post. Sometimes I ramble. Today is one of those times.

Not everything this week has been bad. It’s just been amplified.

Oh yeah, I thought of something I’d like to speak my mind on. The topic of professors.

Three weeks ago, I reached out to a couple professors who I researched with at Big American University. At the encouragement of literally every scientist I’ve met at TLoTH, I am trying to publish my research from Big American Uni. Nothing big, just a poster. The grad student I researched with help me put together a jammin’ abstract and I sent it to the professors three weeks ago. I assigned them a deadline of July 10 so I would have plenty of time to pass through internal approval before I submitted it for a conference. In all of my emails, I offered the opportunity to MEET IN PERSON because I know they both respond better in person. I do not live in the same state as these professors, I was planning on taking time out of my holiday weekend to spend with them.

In the time between the first email and July 10 I received a total of three emails. One email (Prof 1) said, “Good abstract, add more of your work even though I don’t think it has a story to tell.” Second email (Prof 1) said, “Good abstract. I’m in a different country.” Third email, sent at 10 am on July 10 said, “Good abstract. ::asks question directly answered in my thesis::”

At least they both said it was OK to publish.

There were a lot of problematic things about this entire interaction. I set a clear deadline. I communicated my intentions. The professor out of the country had some excuse due to spotty Internet. But over the course of three weeks, the excuse wears thin. I have been quasi-homeless and made sure to check my email every day. The domestic professor, who might have been out of town, did not communicate that and therefore was just absent. Big American Uni has cut their phone lines to professors’ offices due to budget cuts so I was unable to call. I resorted to asking the secretaries to remind him if they saw him in person. I felt like I was stalking but I honestly had NO alternative for this communication.

By far the biggest disappointment of the whole experience was the grad student’s response. She was amazingly supportive through the whole thing and I give her tons of credit for being awesome. But she said something that disturbed me deeply. She said that professors are often like this and there is nothing to be done about it because they are, in essence, more important than us.

I replied thusly:

“I am sorry that you have had to become normalized to such shitty communication and disrespect for your time throughout your graduate experience. You deserve better. Not everyone treats their students in this manner.” They are adults. I am an adult. I deserve to be treated like one.

It hurt and made me so so sad that not only was this behavior accepted and normal, it’s what to expect in some fields of research. It takes a person who actively works through their own ancestral abuse to change the cycle but no one talks about cycles of abuse publicly when it comes to PhDships. Add in active discrimination or even microaggressions at any stage of the game and it’s not really surprising that diversity isn’t great in the ivory tower of academia.

I found this song a little while back; I feel it’s oddly appropriate. Warning: song does contain some harsh language, including the n word.

Update: I went over a friend’s house and actually told her what’s wrong and she listened completely and compassionately. NEVER underestimate the power of compassionate listening. 

And now for something completely different: