So maybe that contributes.
But it seems that she was also heavy as a younger person (she barely weighs 95 lbs now) and this was a prevailing feature and downfall to her. She informed me many, many times this weekend that for years and years she only ate one meal a day. Never breakfast, never lunch, only dinner. Ok.... This in and of itself doesn't bother me, as it is not my body, nor my decision.
Where it begins to bother me is the judgment and flak I got from her every time I ate in her house. Every time I ate, and frequently in between, she commented about how heavy and/or ugly I am. She told me again and again that I should only eat one meal a day, if that. Since there was so much food in the house, there was no reason to eat out, but I couldn't eat the food in the house because I would get reprimanded.
Family is a tough situation to begin with. Someone else's family can be even more difficult. So I came up with some coping mechanisms that perhaps might help other people.
You are Beautiful, inside and out
Most of the time, I have no trouble believing this about myself. Internally, I have worked tirelessly on maintaining a truly positive outlook and self-image. This can (at times like this weekend) take up all of my energy. A real smile, an honest one, is more beautiful than ten pounds of makeup. It becomes easier to do when in your heart you know that you are exactly the person you want to be, to the extent that you are capable. Externally, I am fortunate to have a wonderful Penguin who can remind me daily of the fact. I am a model and the photographer I work with has told me people have offered upwards of $3000 to make them look as sexy in a photograph as me. I know this sounds very vain, but sometimes in confrontation of negativity, vanity can save your sanity.
Surround self with positive people
I think this was my main problem and continues to be because actually cutting toxic people out of your life is much harder said than done. Often, people who are most toxic to your mental health provide just enough fringe benefits (like housing, food, money) to think it's ok to put up with the abuse. The idea that you may be homeless or starve is pretty compelling. But it is also not worth staying in abusive situations. Since I moved out after high school, I have never had much, monetarily. But I am rich in friends, family (chosen and biological) and peers who are intellectually and emotionally stimulating in a positive manner. In the past year, I have been blessed with the support of wonderful people but the support has been somewhat necessary since I wouldn’t accept help from people who were prone to bring me down. Things will work out, it’s just scary.
Dress in clothes that fit
This is a lesson I’ve been learning for the past couple years. Fashion is an art form and what fashion is dictated in mainstream media is not necessarily what type of art (or not art) you need to have on your body. I read once not to look at what fashion designers produce for what to wear, but what the designers wear themselves. It’s usually very simple and fits perfectly, accentuating the good bits and playing down the less pleasant parts. If you have trouble seeing your own outward beauty, get fitted PROPERLY for a good bra/pants/whatever. Go to a fancier store and get fitted or use a sewing measuring tape. If you know your own dimensions, it can help. If you’re a woman, it’s a bit unfortunate because sizing is completely inconsistent so just try everything on. Even if I’m being told I’m fugly, it doesn’t matter when I know I’m drop-dead-gorgeous.
Alone time
Take an appropriate amount of time to yourself and be ok acknowledging if you’re hurt. Being hurt by words of a family member can be a serious kind of pain and it’s ok to let yourself know pain is ok. You can evaluate statements and judge on your own time whether they’re based in truth and if they are, how to change them. A lot of mean comments are just other people sharing and projecting their pain or anger on you and don’t have anything to do with you.
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It's just so fitting.
Sara and Penguin,
ReplyDeletestanding in a tree;
K-I-S-S-
I-N-G! :-)