An Attack of Self-Esteem

I don't know holidays go for other people,‭ ‬but this past weekend brought into sharp relief a recurring problem in my holiday-going experience.‭ ‬After lengths of internal debate,‭ ‬I decided to go to ArtpitTown with PartnerPenguin to visit his very very old grandmother.‭ ‬This woman truly makes me wonder if you have to be mean to grow old,‭ ‬just purely to live through the stuff she has.‭ ‬She was born at the tail end of WWI in Germany,‭ ‬her father fought in the cavalry.‭ ‬Her family lived through the German Depression and got out of Germany to immigrate to America,‭ ‬in‭ ‬1926.‭ ‬Just in time for the American Depression.‭ ‬Her mother almost got personally detained by Hitler because she sold her property to Jews.‭ ‬Grandma graduated High School in‭ ‬1936‭ (‬having learned English in‭ ‬10‭ ‬years‭) ‬and actually went to the same Big American Brand University that I go to.‭ ‬She was nurse for a while,‭ ‬then a middle school teacher.‭ ‬She is now a widow‭ (‬but her husband taught at a University so her retirement is actually decent‭) ‬and her best‭ (‬only‭?) ‬friend died of not taking care of herself last year.‭ ‬Her family‭ ‬lives on average‭ ‬1000‭ ‬miles away.‭ ‬She is constantly in pain because bodies that aren't well taken care of break down pretty badly.‭

So maybe that contributes.

But it seems that she was also heavy as a younger person‭ (‬she barely weighs‭ ‬95‭ ‬lbs now‭) ‬and this was a prevailing feature and downfall to her.‭ ‬She informed me many,‭ ‬many times this weekend that for years and years she only ate one meal a day.‭ ‬Never breakfast,‭ ‬never lunch,‭ ‬only dinner.‭ ‬Ok....‭ ‬This in and of itself doesn't bother me,‭ ‬as it is not my body,‭ ‬nor my decision.‭

Where it begins to bother me is the judgment and flak I got from her every time I ate in her house.‭ ‬Every time I ate,‭ ‬and frequently in between,‭ ‬she commented about how heavy and/or ugly I am.‭ ‬She told me again and again that I should only eat one meal a day,‭ ‬if that.‭ ‬Since there was so much food in the house,‭ ‬there was no reason to eat out,‭ ‬but I couldn't eat the food in the house because I would get reprimanded.

Family is a tough situation to begin with.‭ ‬Someone else's family can be even more difficult.‭ ‬So I came up with some coping mechanisms that perhaps might help other people.

You are Beautiful,‭ ‬inside and out
Most of the time,‭ ‬I have no trouble believing this about myself.‭ ‬Internally,‭ ‬I have worked tirelessly on maintaining a truly positive outlook and self-image.‭ ‬This can‭ (‬at times like this weekend‭) ‬take up all of my energy.‭ ‬A real smile,‭ ‬an honest one,‭ ‬is more beautiful than ten pounds of makeup.‭ ‬It becomes easier to do when in your heart you know that you are exactly the person you want to be,‭ ‬to the extent that you are capable.‭ ‬Externally,‭ ‬I am fortunate to have a wonderful Penguin who can remind me daily of the fact.‭ ‬I am a model and the photographer I work with has told me people have offered upwards of‭ ‬$3000‭ ‬to make them look as sexy in a photograph as me.‭ ‬I know this sounds very vain,‭ ‬but sometimes in confrontation of negativity,‭ ‬vanity can save your sanity.

Surround self with positive people
I think this was my main problem and continues to be because actually cutting toxic people out of your life is‭ ‬much‭ ‬harder said than done.‭ ‬Often,‭ ‬people who are most toxic to your mental health provide just enough fringe benefits‭ (‬like housing,‭ ‬food,‭ ‬money‭) ‬to think it's ok to put up with the abuse.‭ ‬The idea that you may be homeless or‭ ‬starve  is pretty compelling.‭ ‬But it is also not worth staying in abusive situations.‭ ‬Since I moved out after high school,‭ ‬I have never had much,‭ ‬monetarily.‭ ‬But I am rich in friends, family (chosen and biological) and peers who are intellectually and emotionally stimulating in a positive manner. In the past year, I have been blessed with the support of wonderful people but the support has been somewhat necessary since I wouldn’t accept help from people who were prone to bring me down. Things will work out, it’s just scary.

Dress in clothes that fit‭
‏This is a lesson I’ve been learning for the past couple years. Fashion is an art form and what fashion is dictated in mainstream media is not necessarily what type of art (or not art) you need to have on your body.  I read once not to look at what fashion designers produce for what to wear, but what the designers wear themselves. It’s usually very simple and fits perfectly, accentuating the good bits and playing down the less pleasant parts. If you have trouble seeing your own outward beauty, get fitted PROPERLY for a good bra/pants/whatever. Go to a fancier store and get fitted or use a sewing measuring tape. If you know your own dimensions, it can help. If you’re a woman, it’s a bit unfortunate because sizing is completely inconsistent so just try everything on. Even if I’m being told I’m fugly, it doesn’t matter when I know I’m drop-dead-gorgeous.

Alone time
Take an appropriate amount of time to yourself and be ok acknowledging if you’re hurt. Being hurt by words of a family member can be a serious kind of pain and it’s ok to let yourself know pain is ok. You can evaluate statements and judge on your own time whether they’re based in truth and if they are, how to change them. A lot of mean comments are just other people sharing and projecting their pain or anger on you and don’t have anything to do with you.

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It's just so fitting.

Punk'in Pie Time

On a stupidly long train ride to the Land of the Nearly Dead (PanterPenguin's Grandma) and realizing I haven't written a blog post in effectively two weeks. I have decided to re-organize my blog in terms of posting so after this one, I will have one blog-y post (Tuesday) and one recipe post (Thursday), so if one interests you over another (*cough*) you don't have to read both.

I don't know what to write and PartnerPenguin is making me write anyway. He is good like that. I was told that my posts are too rambly and don't get to the point effectively or efficiently enough so now I'm really self-conscious of writing at all.

The problem is that I do too much so my brain doesn't much care to work in a fashion which would make sense to do one task at a time since it's usually doing 5. I feel this comes across. Also, according to the Romanean, I topic-hop like Frogger so it's hard to follow me in normal conversation sometimes.

Anyway, probably the biggest thing that I've tried to change in the past two weeks has been my study habits. I know it's stupid late in the semester to be doing this, being that there are only two weeks left, but I actually failed my last exam in my Physics class (I got a 60%) so something has gone wrong. PartnerPenguin brought up recently an article he'd read about this guy who took the classes for a Bachelor's in Computer Science, at MIT, in less than a year by cleverly timed repetition of material. He would listen to the audio book of his textbook at 10x normal speed before the lecture, then read it again after lecture while doing the problem set.

So I've been trying it. I skimmed the entire contents of the 4^th section of the course and as we've hit each topic in lecture, I've been re-reading the book. I think that, combined with finally being interested in the topics at hand might work. I really don't want to fail Physics as it would complicate an already delicate situation in my actually completing my degree.

Speaking of topic-hopping....One of the cool advantages of working for a black woman is that I get to learn about all different sorts of things white people (or perhaps just myself?) don't know about. Like Cocoa Butter. WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT COCOA BUTTER?! I have very stupid skin (eczema, called “Enk-ma” by PartnerPenguin) which sometimes gets so bad it cracks and bleeds. Scented lotions (most of them) make my hand feel like it's on fire, made of static electricity. The only thing that's ever consistently worked has been Petroleum Jelly but that's super nasty and you can't lay on the bed because you make huge, gross grease stains.

And here there was something all along that doesn't smell bad, that isn't greasy and that doesn't make me want to chop my hand off.

What?

Seriously.

So I ventured to “Wig Store” down the way which boasts that they sell real human hair. As Mama Bear says, “It looks hoodlife from the front but once you go inside, it's great.” It was like a dream come true. The Cocoa Butter was only $5 and there was cheap but adorable nail polish which I now am sporting for cutting bitches on Black Friday. Maybe I spent too much time in there. Maybe. They have hair accouterments out the wazoo which is great since I'm temporarily growing out my hair. They do have a lot of wigs. I thought it was funny that the only white mannequins in the store were wearing the absurdly stupid wigs in pink and green.

Needless to say, this store will be visited more.

Ok, so I may not have explained but I've recently re-discovered (again, why didn't anyone tell me?) that I'm allergic to eggs. These things I forget, eat cheap pumpkin pie for breakfast, then pass out. W00t..

So PartnerPenguin decided to invent me a delicious recipe of eggless pumpkin pie. It is NOT VEGAN, I'll just let you know. Also, pro-tip, read the directions carefully when baking the pie crust, it's no good if it's raw. Life lessons we learn too late.

Egg-less Pumpkin Pie

1 16 oz. can Libby's Pumpkin purree (the kind that goes on sale around this time of year. You can also cook your own pumpkin, which I detail in this post.)

500 grams (wtf? I didn't make it up) (about 2/3 of a 16 oz container) Marscapone cheese. Warning: the only kind available is expensive. I'd pay one way or another. :<

(In a calibrated shot glass, it should all fit, cinnamon taking up most of the room) 3 parts cinnamon, 1 part nutmeg, I part salt, 1 ½ parts ginger.

½ c brown sugar

1/8 c molasses

1 pie crust. We bought one but I've heard it's not too hard to make one. Make sure, if you're avoiding eggs to read the ingrediants.

In a bowl: empty pumpkin can. Slowly (about 3 oz at a time) fold in the cheese. Marscapone is rather more savory than most cheeses I've eaten. It is also much thicker. Make sure it's mixed well and there are no chunks.

About half-way through the cheese folding, dump in the spices. Make sure they get evenly distributed, no one likes an accidental cinnamon challenge. Finish folding in the cheese.

Fold in the sweeteners. The key seemed to be not allowing anything to clump.

Chill the pie contents in fridge for a couple hours. Towards the end of this time, follow instructions on box for cooking pie and get the oven pre-heated for that. Cook as instructed. When pie crust is done, put in the filling. I'm not really sure what to do about the temperature awkwardness. Maybe throw it back in the oven for about 10 minutes to warm the filling.

But it's deleeeecious!!

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 Guess what movie I wanna see this weekend?!

My mom is currently in the hospital so I'm not going to try to blog until she's out. Here are some amusing things to be amusing.

Off topic: my Freedom Pop has better service on the bus than it does my house. Lol.

Gotta Catch 'em All

So much and so little has happened since I last blogged to my ever‭ ‬faithful‭ (‬hahahahaahaha‭) ‬readers.‭ ‬More important than King of America‭ ‬getting re-elected or certain crucial state propositions passing,‭ ‬I turned‭ ‬23.‭ ‬Halloween and birthdays are both great,‭ ‬and if I lived in New Jersey,‭ ‬they happened on the same day this year‭! ‬Though that would have been awesome,‭ ‬I'm glad I don't live in New Jersey.‭ (‬Seriously folks,‭ ‬if you can,‭ ‬do something to help Sandy victims.‭ ‬Their lives are full of suck right now.‭ ‬E.g.‭ ‬This: is my family's home.‭)

Well,‭ ‬since I'd started this blog to write about being thrifty and such,‭ ‬I might as well tell you one of the awesomest,‭ ‬cheapest‭ (‬to me,‭ ‬at least‭) ‬birthdays I've ever had.‭

First,‭ ‬my best friend,‭ ‬Good Panda,‭ ‬came up from the South on Friday.‭ ‬She's so awesome and came bearing candy‭!! ‬She works doing manual stuff so she's super buff right now which is a little strange to get used to.‭ ‬PartnerPenguin picked her up,‭ ‬procuring peppermint pops.‭ ‬Then we all went to bed,‭ ‬because I party hardy.

I can officially‭ ‬be put down as the cruelest person in the world because I made my friends wake up at‭ ‬7:30‭ ‬on a weekend.‭ ‬We all met up and drove to distant lands‭ ‬to the Local National Park.‭ ‬I designed the drive so that we‭ ‬would watch the sun rise in a really perfect way.‭ ‬Win‭!!

We got to‭ ‬Local‭ ‬National Park,‭ ‬where I have a year-long pass to visit-thanks Dad‭! ‬Local‭ ‬National Park was beautiful and empty because we got there so early.‭ ‬We walked the entire length of the park‭~‬3‭ ‬mi round trip and I didn't pass out or be hurt or anything‭!! ‬This is a milestone for me since I couldn't walk‭ ‬100‭ ‬ft in June,‭ ‬the last time I was hospitalized.‭ ‬I have walked without my cane for over a month.‭ ‬And most of the time,‭ ‬I'm doing really well.‭

My friends,‭ ‬however,‭ ‬maybe they're not so good at going outside and playing hiking.‭ ‬This might be because they are Math Grad students who all have Scholar's tans.‭ ‬But I had fun.‭

All this physical activity was followed by deliciously unhealthy Fast Food Restaurant.‭ ‬Oh for the love of milkshakes‭!!

Almost everyone then visited KittenMan's house who is so named because OMFGLOLBBQ HE HAS A KITTEN‭!! ‬Her name is Azula,‭ ‬which is probably the only real name I'll use here because it's a great kitten name.‭ ‬We know she will grow up to rule the Fire Nation,‭ ‬but we play with her like any other kitten while she's still‭ ‬so small.‭

Then we all went home and took naps.‭

I finally figured out why I collect Math people like Pokemon.‭ ‬I figure if I catch them all,‭ ‬there is a decent chance one will create Pyschohistory and then we'll be set.‭ ‬Ignoring the fact that Physics isn't there yet and also that they'd need a social scientist to work tandem because they aren't,‭ ‬typically aware enough of how social sciences work....IT'LL HAPPEN,‭ ‬OK GUYS‭?! ‬I just want reality to be like The Foundation series,‭ ‬but‭ ‬like the latter books where there are actually women‭; ‬who are awesome.

I'm not really sure why I collect Math people,‭ ‬but I certainly do.‭ ‬One of them is the Romanean who suggested that it's because I like teaching them social skills.‭ ‬While that's certainly true for her.‭(;‬-P luv ya‭!)‬...I dunno about the rest.‭ ‬I guess because they're nice people and have an incestuously small friend pool so once you know one,‭ ‬you know most of them.

One thing I realized last year after talking to the teacher of my Math class was that he would have been a Senior in high school when I was a Freshman.‭ ‬In the time since graduating high school,‭ ‬he became a PhD candidate/student at Big American Brand University‭ (‬which is fancy stuff‭) ‬and...well...I'm two years younger and sitting in his class.‭ ‬This really bugged me when I figured it out.‭

But then I got to thinking more about it and the facts are thus:‭ ‬Since graduating high school,‭ ‬I have traveled to at least‭ ‬10‭ ‬states‭ (‬not to mention moving‭ ‬3000‭ ‬miles from where I grew up‭)‬,‭ ‬created art with an international artist,‭ ‬gotten a‭ ‬4.0‭ ‬GPA for‭ ‬3‭ ½ ‬years,‭ ‬met and‭ ‬stayed in contact with hundreds of people‭ (‬quite a few of whom are my best friends‭)‬,‭ ‬won‭ ‬tens of‭ ‬thousands of dollars in merit and performance based scholarships and maintained a stable relationship with the love of my life for‭ ‬5‭ ‬years.‭ ‬Oh yeah,‭ ‬and I also served my country‭(?)‬/community‭(?) ‬by being an AmeriCorps Memeber on a‭ ‬1700‭ ‬hr term of service while self-supporting right after high-school.‭ ‬And last year I got admitted to Big American Brand University classified as an Independent financial status below the age of‭ ‬24‭ ‬and got Dean's Honor Roll first semester.

In summary,‭ ‬I'M AWESOME,‭ ‬that's what I'm doing with my life.‭ ‬I just need to remind myself of that sometimes.‭ <‬/rant‭>

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Um,‭ ‬food....I've been eating out a lot...Because Good Pandas don't grow on trees and when you get one,‭ ‬you need to feed her fancy-like.

Let's do an oldie-but-goodie that's diner tonight‭!

BBQ Chicken
This recipe requires finding cheap chicken at the store‭ (‬I have been getting into thigh/leg sections after coming off only eating breasts for a year‭) ‬and either:‭ ‬freezing them in individual plastic bags and taking out the air‭ (‬works best but is most wasteful‭)‬,‭ ‬or wrapping each piece in wax paper and putting them all in a freezer bag together.‭

2‏ ‎pieces of Chicken,‭ ‬defrosted.‭ ‬Usually this means leaving the chicken in the fridge for a day or so till it's not frozen.
3-4‏ ‎oz Trader Joe's Kansas City BBQ sauce.‭ ‬(If TJ's not available,‭ ‬I try to go for something without High Fructose Corn Syrup‭)

Before class in the morning:‭ ‬In a bag or a tupperware or something,‭ ‬put the chicken in.‭ ‬Cover with BBQ sauce and add about half as much water as BBQ sauce‭ (‬if you put in‭ ‬4‭ ‬oz,‭ ‬use about‭ ‬2‭ ‬oz H20‭)‬.‭ ‬Shake it up.‭ ‬Leave in fridge for the day.

After classes in the evening:‭ ‬Preheat oven to‭ ‬375‭ ‬degrees.‭ ‬Put chicken in a glass‭ (‬or Corningware‭) ‬container and cover with the rest of the marinade.‭ ‬Cover the dish with tin foil.‭ (‬I call Aluminum foil‭ “‬Tin foil,‭” ‬deal with it.‭)‬ Cook for about an hour and a half.‭ ‬If you don't have a meat thermometer‭ (‬chicken should always be at least‭ ‬160‭ ‬deg when cooked‭) ‬you can check if it's done by poking it with a fork and making sure the juices run clear.‭ ‬If it's red,‭ ‬leave in oven till juices are clear.

Make sure when you're playing with raw meat to wash everything well and try not to get it on too many surfaces.‭ ‬I almost died of Salmonella as a little kid,‭ ‬t'was not fun.

A touch of absurdity for your life, in case your face is stuck in a frown. This song goes out to‭ ‬The‭ ‬Gayest Man I've Ever Pretended to Have Sex with Under a Bed While Running Away From Getting Strangled.

Cheers!