I am safe, I am whole, I am home

My biggest accomplishment of this week was completing the following project:

I started this project about a year ago when I was working at TLoTH. I distinctly remember the afternoon because I was hanging out with The Tenor and The Triple Point Dude watching football. I was reading Come As You Are and Dr. Nagoski returns to this phrase as her mantra throughout her book: “I am safe, I am whole, I am home.” This resonated so deeply with me that I decided I needed to see it every day, in my own handwriting. Also football is boring to me and I wanted something else to do. ^___^

I finished the last “I” while I was volunteering  at the library this week. It made me very happy but everyone around me was like…”That’s great…but I need to continue putting these books away…”

I have been working on a lot of projects, mostly related to my New Years Resolutions and my work with Sparkles.

People Keeper Project

A major new years resolution I spoke about last week was gathering about 150 people and being more diligent about staying in touch with them. My internal motivations for this goal stem from examining some of my social patterns, particularly during time of increased depression. I used to carry around a duffel bag with the following quote on it:

“I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stunned by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word.” –Augusten Burroughs

It has been a good motto to live by, for much of my life. However it does not adequately address how to maintain relationships (I have very high demands with quotes). A big issue I saw was a pattern within myself when I’m depressed wherein I forget people exist. Usually not the people I see every day, but people who live far away. And it is not that I forget them entirely: I’m readily able to recall important parts of our mutual history when I think of them. But I forget to reach out.

I’ve noticed that in a lot of ways, this creates a huge cognitive burden for me. A burden so large that it overwhelms me when I’m depressed and I can’t surmount it and do one of the things that would help lower depression most: connect with people who care about me. By increasing regularity, I hope to make my life more boring in some ways so that I can concentrate on putting more of my energy into being creative and being more effective with my time. (I stumbled upon a TEDx talk about being boring and I think it’s the cutest thing ever.)

I am designing my “People Keeper” project to help me lower that cognitive load by automation. Thus far in the year I have been keeping very close track of the 150 people I chose to be on my list. I took the most recent date of contact and then did a bit of math on this (comment or ping me directly if you’d like to see my math) to predict when the next time I should reach out to each person. From there, I have spent the time putting each person in my phone with a recurring reminder based on the timeline I made in the spreadsheet. Someone commented, with glee, that he really hoped there was a spreadsheet. Of course there’s a spreadsheet. I’m a scientist.

I feel like this organizational method is already working for me. I acknowledge the immense privilege I have in being able to work on this for many hours during 9-5 period in the past couple weeks. That being said, I really feel like in enacting these guidelines for myself I have already been better at keeping in touch with people. And I’m learning how to just say “Hi” in a new way. I have finished inputting my weekly and bi-weekly folks, now working on monthly, and then quarterly.

I also appreciate that working on this project gives me concrete, achievable goals with the potential reward of having closer friends. ^__^

Accountabilibuddies

One really big difference that I’ve built for myself in the past 4-5 weeks has been creating communities of accountabilibuddies (buddies who help maintain accountability). This generally looks like co-working with 1-2 people for several hour chunks throughout the week. Sometimes it’s in my home, sometimes in other peoples’ homes, sometimes at the coffee shop. But always with other people.

I have been reading The Power of Habit (as recommended by Sparkles) and I like that the thesis is very simple, yet not easy. Habits exist because having to think through every detail would be overwhelming and exhausting. But you are not necessarily conscious of when and how habits form. You can re-write new habits onto old ones, by changing the routine. Routines change providing you use a framework starting with the same trigger and ending with the same (or similar) reward.

But the final ingredient in solidifying habits is to be part of a community who believes that change is possible. Even if that community is only two people; that can be enough.

This week I added a new accountabilibuddy to the roster for writing my novel. I have spent a lot of time in the past week doing research and preparing things. But I really appreciated sitting opposite someone and telling me “at some point you just have to write.”

Another major accomplishment today was helping the KinkyKabuki apply for a tenure track professorship in less than five hours. I swear to Glob, if you’re listening, help get this guy an interview. He’s perfect for the position.

Enjoying life

Having the time and space to work on necessary but not uplifting stuff, I really focused on having fun in the evenings.

I was invited to a burlesque show so I went in style:

By which I mean I was in a weird mood and decided I needed green lipstick. The dancing was fantastic at the show. I really like burlesque because it draws together a sense of theatricality with a sense of shamelessness. There are so many textures and sparkles and glitter and everything is very rich. There was one performer who did a number that was exactly what I had imagined the first time someone explained what burlesque was. She had a very 1920s aesthetic, complete with giant feather fans. It was fantastic.

At this point in our story I need to introduce two new people. At her request, I am going to call this friend The Thunder from Down Under, or TTfDU for short. Wow, that doesn’t make it any better. HAHA! TTfDU also has a Husfriend but he doesn’t become relevant until later.

TTfDU and I have talked, at some length, about the role of stable women’s friendships and how they are often lacking in mainstream media except for Steel Magnolias.  These relationships tend to have few conflicts as compared to romantic relationships. But due to the representation of these types of relationships (and a personal lack of role models) I am often befuddled about how to establish and maintain a stable friendship with women.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago we went to see 20th Century Women for this exact reason. The movie was excellent, but the demographic of the crowd was…well TTfDU and I were about half the age of most of the audience. I declared that we are baby old ladies. Which is great because it means we can grow into our true selves as we age! Later, TTfDU sent me an article that confirms my hypothesis and demonstrated that not only is it a thing, but it’s actually trendy as hell!

This week for #babyoldladymovienight me, PartnerPenguin, TTfDU and her Husfriend all went to see Hidden Figures. IT WAS AMAZEBALLS AND YOU SHOULD ALL GO SEE IT NOW. I brought a box of tissues but then I was the only one to use them. We all had a great time and I got to learn more about TTfDU, Husfriend and three badass women scientists!

Food

To close things out, I wanted to share with you two food things that I found noteworthy this week.

PartnerPenguin and I found the gentrification of pretzel rods! They are “breadsticks” but they are intentionally stale and they are covered in sesame seeds. And the waiters hardcore judged us for eating all the butter.

The other is a dinner I had this week. I was just really proud I put it together because it looks so grown up.

Dumplings from Trader Joes. Rice is that brand that is pink on the outline and is short grained. PartnerPenguin’s relatives gave us a new rice cooker that actually works and now I’m eating all the rice. With fancy rice seasoning. Veg are daikon radish, regular white radish, carrots and shittake mushrooms in a mixture of sesame oil, canola oil, soy sauce, fish sauce and a smidge of rice vinegar.

And to close out today, I’m including a song I found by way of Marvel’s Luke Cage. I really appreciated how that show used song both actively and passively to advance plot action. However, it completely spoiled my expectations of Mahershala Ali which mildly impaired seeing him in Hidden Figures. I was very very very very relieved that Colonel Jim Johnson did not share Cornell Stokes’ disposition.

I dedicate this song to our outgoing President of the United States of America, Barack Obama. Long Live the Chief.