All Aboard Training!

I made it!! Yay! Two weeks in a row posting and I also made it out of the first week of work alive. Cause for celebration and drinking to excess.

Perhaps.

Before my first day of work at TLoTH, many people warned me, in pitying tones, about how awful all that training was going to be. It really psyched me out. I’ve had some pretty terrible trainings over the years. Once, I had to do a Meyers-Briggs on an ancient computer that crashed with one question left. Recently, I was assigned some chemical safety training that was so preposterous my boss cursed out the computer and went to lunch.

But as I actually endeavored upon my first day of work, I found it to be like this:

Time	Event	Presented by
7:30-8:00	New Hire Orientation Check-in	Why didn’t I read the part where I could have showed up at ten past 8?
8:00-8:10	Coffee	This shit’s terrible, shoulda gone to sbux.
8:10-8:25	Welcome	She was actually really nice, kind and welcoming.
8:25-9:05	Complete New Hire Forms	Glad I filled mine out in advance. The host lady said no one had ever done that before.
9:05-9:45	Benefits Review/Wellness Center (We will pay you monies for you to loose that flab. Count your steps with our pedometer and create office-wide fitness wars!)	Healthcare!! Check this box to ensure employee+spouse or employee+family (other) receives slightly more than nothing when you die! If you’re single, we feel sad for you.
9:45-9:55	Break	Find bathroom and avoid contact with training classmates
9:55-10:35	Informational Security Briefing	Stephen Hawkings’ less intelligible brother. Just twenty more minutes of agonizingly monotonous computer speech. 19 min. 19:30….
10:35-10:45	Break	Forget the names and professions of everyone I met earlier but commiserate about how terrible that last video was.
10:45-10:55	OMBUDS	We’re your buds, here at the om-buds! No, seriously, come to us. But we can’t guarantee confidentiality.
10:55-11:15	Employee Assistance	We like to help you!
11:15-11:20	Library	We still have a library and librarians are still hott.
11:20-1:00	Lunch	Awkwardly meet new people instead of reading the book you brought. Don’t mention your book is more interesting.
1:00-1:10	Worker Safety & Security	We’ll teach you how to fall properly!!
1:10-1:20	Ethics and Compliance	Do the right thing. Edward Snowden is a bad man. Do the right thing.
1:20-1:30	Harassment in the Workplace	The slow dawning of understanding that the sexual harassment issue I encountered at my last job was handled completely wrong.
1:30-1:40	Break	Trying to decide how to remedy erroneously handled sexual harassment issue.
1:40-2:00	TLoTH Cultural Review	We got really cool stuff, most of which is Native American!
2:00-2:15	Spy-Be-Gone Department	Don’t commit espionage. Not even once. Not even by accident. Ed Snowden is a bad man. Not even once.

But the most important thing I learned from all of my training exercises:

Seriously. He tells you all about ethics and how going postal is bad and all I can think of is “damn, there is a FINE specimen of man.” But in all likelihood, I will do all the things he tells me to do and so the choice of filming him was a good one.

So anyway. You can imagine a week’s worth of days like this and then you’ll pretty much understand what my week was like. ^__^