Becoming

It occurs to me that I haven’t actually written to you, my beautiful readers, in two weeks. I think I felt last week that I didn’t really have anything to say, so I let Dr. Bow take it away.

“Not really having anything to say” is not really the case. I feel like my life has been a close race between me running away from my depression and it catching up. This is my last week living alone, hopefully for a long time. One major advantage that I have found is that if I am feeling unable to mentally get up the effort to do anything, I have explored some rather deeper wounds than I wouldn’t otherwise poke at. It is painful, but I have had whole days where I don’t have to answer to anyone. I have been able to feel. Completely. There is some freedom in that.

I actually don’t want to talk about the times depression has caught up but if you’re available to talk to me on the phone, please let me know. It’s been a month since I went to the Key Route City and I’ve forgotten that it’s OK to call people and ask for support. And just to clarify, I am getting treatment for depression. But the therapist is rather meh for my needs. Meds are still working but I don’t take them all too often (they’re on an “as needed basis” I’m not goin’ off them randomly).

But the things I’ve been doing to run away from my depression have been rather amusing and awesome. So I’ll talk about them!

Work

I’ve finally been given the go ahead to actually get work done. I’ve done interpretations for 70 sets of data and consolidated 14 sets onto one page, then into one chart. Both mentors called me competent and one even said “This is nice, I like this.” I have been going through all of the relevant literature and drawing reasonable but big conclusions. I am demonstrating that I am a good scientist.

It feels very different. I feel strong.

But I also forget how to be social if I do too much deep thinking so it becomes awkward that I'm surrounded by people with their social brains on. I am a social social person so this experience is weird. I guess in all of my experience until now I've only gotten this focused when I write papers or study for finals and in those circumstances, everyone understands to fuck off. It's different in corporate world, but they expect similar results.

Derby

I am getting steadier on my skates every time I go for it. My teammates continue to be supportive, inclusive and encouraging. I was invited to a board meeting that was fairly interesting and had free cupcakes and cookies. It’s really interesting to see what are the broad and long-term goals of any organization.

The best part was that we had a scrimmage! It was Friday night and I was asked to be a scorekeeper. The women I train with were mostly on one team together and it was AMAZING to see how well they did. I was so full of pride and happiness that they played well. Everyone from my league played a very clean game and still kicked ass, beating the other league 105-76.

The second scrimmage was for more advanced skaters but that game was rather overwhelming, faster and dirtier than the first. I get the impression that it doesn’t always go that way, but it’s not uncommon. Ah well. One of my friends was a ref so I got to work with her to keep score, which was cool. Actually playing derby has a lot of people who are either refs or what’s called NSO or Non Skating Officials. Almost more officials than skaters! Hear that Mum? You could still participate in a derby league even if you can’t skate. :P Somewhat related: my mum is coming out this week to visit and my derby team mates have decided to try to get her on skates. Teeeeheeeheee.

After the scrimmage our team all went to the bar. My teammates got to see me drunk which is…a treat. As a different friend who happened to be at the bar says, I was in rare form. Happy drunk Sara is so much more pleasant and amusing than Sad or Serious or Honest drunk Sara. I just dance around a bunch and hug people. Including the bartender. He paid for my drink. Benevolent sexism, ftw.

Now for the interesting bits.

Adventures

President’s day is always a weird “holiday”. I’ve mostly been celebrating that day, and all other days by listening to the soundtrack of Hamilton nonstop. I still can’t get over how much DRAMA they packed into that score.

Anyway, I actually went for adventures that day. New character!! Her name is the Jr. Ranger. She started out as a loose acquaintance but now she basically lives at my house. She’s the kind of person who suggests things to do and doesn’t make me do all the planning all the time. I like her. She’s also pretty easygoing so that’s nice.

The Jr. Ranger, the Tenor and I went on an early morning adventure to some hot springs. The Tenor commented that he likes going places with me because I just talk nonstop about what’s going on outside the window. I’m like a pocket encyclopedia of rocks. #winning

It was SOOOOO COOL to see water rushing through a frozen river. There are these little pools with botryoidal icicles that end abruptly where the water whooshes through. Then there are frozen baby waterfalls with an occasional trickle over the edge. It sounds different too. Hushed, like it’s hiding something. You don’t fool me, creek. I know you’re hiding hypothermia.

As we went uphill towards the hot springs it was so cool to see bright little green sprouts of plants. They looked like an enchanted carpet, next to a giant boulder of obsidian covered in cold looking lichens. Up at the hot pools themselves it was not terribly warm. Instaregret about being in my bathing suit in 30°F weather. But I knew there was a little cave where the water was a lot closer to bathwater. We mostly hung out in there, and it surprisingly was roomy enough for 2 people and a third person’s feet. I have to say, that place is a LOT less spooky during daylight. Last time I was there was with Sam G and it got dark while we were there. Dark=spooky. It was actually really beautiful and peaceful the whole time this time around. And the sun peeked through just long enough for me to warm up. The one benefit of obsidian (especially old, rounded obsidian) is that it’s black and warm.

Me and the Jr. Ranger went to my place and hung out a bit, then decided to go on more adventures. Because that’s how we do. We found this landmark that was behind an adobe wall/fence with bits of dull rebar sticking out at random intervals. She was all like “that’s a silly deterrent” and I was like “yes, it is.” I then tried to get up on the adobe wall/fence and biffed it, right on the rebar. Turns out adobe and rebar are REALLY good deterrents for trespassing. At least for someone who can’t parkour hardcore. I have the most epic bruise/cut in the world on my leg now. I also finally fit into my favorite pair of teal pants after months of not fitting in them. And now those pants have a rebar shaped hole in them. ^___^

Other things….

Oh yes. I put a hole in my ear. Intentionally.

I have been the best at holding people’s hands while they get things pierced. I went with two of my derby teammates to get things pierced. During the first excursion I decided: Y’know what? After 6 years without my upper cartilage pierced, I still want an earring there. Easiest regret to fix. I am so pleased with this decision. It’s a 16 gauge ball-suspension-ring deal. It felt really amazing to take ownership of my body and do something I really wanted. It’s not that I don’t usually have ownership, I just don’t usually go for something that…altering of my appearance.

Finally, the biggest thing that’s transpired since I last wrote to you:

I MET AMANDA FUCKING PALMER AND NEIL GAIMEN. And their baby, whose head is really soft.

This is the best advice a complete stranger has ever given me. Feels extra cool coming from the guy who wrote Sandman too. And I don’t even think I remembered to babble about how much I love his writing. I was brave though and gave them both my card and asked them to please watch my TEDx talk.

It was really amazing and they were really lovely people. I liked that part best, that they were just people who happen to be very successful in their professions. The book they signed is a new journal I started this past week. Every night I write down three things that happened that day that I’m grateful for. Then I share these gratitudes with Good Panda who shares hers with me. It makes for a different kind of connection since we usually talk about our sad or frustrating or scary things that happen to us. It lets us know that there are other things in our lives.

To close out, a song Palmer played to open the event that I feel pretty much encapsulates how I feel the rest of the time when the depression catches up. I hope to come to the resolution she comes to at the end but I’m still working on it. (And Amanda, if you’re reading this please know you are the only artist whose music I’ve ever posted TWICE on this blog. The second Bowie song was a cover and therefore doesn’t count, Dad.)

And then GET THIS, PEOPLE. Someone made a Geology music!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! Here it is!!!!!!

And now a word from Dr. Bow

Guest post graciously provided by Dr. Bow. Please support her by checking out her blog at the very bottom!

So this past Fall, I had a unique opportunity presented to me. I had just come back from TLoTH and had a 3 month period that I needed to live in A² Town before I left for South Africa for 5 months. It's really hard to find a short term lease and my parents only live 2.5 hours from A² Town...  and I had a ton of work to get done as I was finishing up my thesis... so I did what every ridiculously poor student thinks about doing at some point ... I lived in my office.

Like literally lived in my office. I used a refrigerator down the hall to store food and cooked all my meals out of a microwave. I showered in the rec center 3/4 of a mile away every night. I had a sleeping pad and sleeping bag I kept in the office along with a pillow and a suitcase full of clothes. I share my office with 7 other people, so it took some finessing and schedule arranging to make it work. I also slept on friends' couches for periods of time when I needed a shower or a break from living where I worked.

Here's my Top 5 Pros and Top 5 Cons that I found come with living in your office. 

Top 5 Pros:

1. Obviously you save a ton of money on Rent. 

2. You get a ton of work done. I would wake up around 7 AM (nothing like fear of your office mates finding you in your pajamas drooling on your pillow to wake you up early!) and immediately start working. My work day usually ended around 10 PM and had a 0 minute commute. It was ridiculously efficient to live in my office; I was able to write 3 papers this Fall, travel to 3 conferences (1 in another country), job interview in West Virginia, and recruit in Boulder. This is not a reasonable amount of work for a graduate student, but living in my office provided this opportunity. 

3. People find it fascinating. I swear, people looked at me differently once I started sleeping in the office, and in a good way. Sure, they questioned my sanity, but I also started getting this gleam of respect. Like I was clearly so committed to my work that I would do anything (i.e. live out of the office) to get it done. Huh. 

4. You can always find your advisor because, you know, you live there. 

5. You can get used to anything, and getting used to sleeping in the office is a super power. If you can work where you sleep, that's like the definition of efficiency. This is a powerful feeling, and I know I was proud of myself for doing this. 

OK, now the real fun... the 5 Cons:

1. Yeah all that money you saved on rent? You spend that on eating out when you know, you're sick of eating out of the microwave. As someone who normally cooks her meals in bulk at home, I spent a ton of money on prepared food this semester. Came out in the black, but not by a large margin. 

2. Dating? Yeah, that's not going to happen when you sleep on the floor of your office. Not a great pick up line. I guess it's a good way to find a bed for the night though. But if you're in a long term relationship, married, or want to date someone, you should not try living in your office. 

3. Your peers judge you. You become the graduate student that no one wants to be, and your peers will let you know that they think there is something wrong with you. You're setting a high (re: low standards) bar for everyone in the office, and no one likes that. 

4. Everyone pities you. Despite the fact that you're happy and people seem to respect you more, everyone will try to mother you and will openly worry about you. It's partly because you're skin looks like it's falling off your face and your hair always looks a bit greasy (comes with the territory), and if you're in the 20s and sleeping in the office, you've made some questionable life decisions leading you to that point. 

5. Floors are not comfortable. Do not delude yourself into thinking otherwise; I only slept well because I was so exhausted after working all day and sleeping only 5 hours a night. Mmm. 

Ah, and here's a bonus: A Thing That Surprised Me

1. My officemates were surprisingly OK with me obviously living in the office and hanging my towel on the coat rack. It did help that I would do essentially 1 week in the office, 1 week on the road or at my parents. I had no negative encounters or early morning surprises (only 1 close call!). 

So, is it something you can do? Sure! Do I recommend it? I mean it, it's definitely fun for a bit, but keep it to about 10 days tops. Past that, people are really going to judge you. 

Also a shameless plug: This is a link to the blog I keep on little adventures like sleeping in the office and other shennigans :) - check it out if you have time: Dr. Bow’s Blog And here is a recent picture from her adventures in South Africa:

*Sara's edit* And none of my blogs are complete without a video so here goes. The textures in this video are amazing!

Where People Love You the Most

Is there such a thing as a trauma treadmill? I’ve been reading about and experiencing the hedonic treadmill. If you’re not familiar: it’s when you acclimate to certain levels of comfort and that becomes your baseline, leaving you wanting more. Being a very poor college student for a very long time, my medium-well paying job has put me in a new level of treadmill. I feel a bit revolted but also a bit proud of myself that I bought a backpacking backpack. But I also feel like I’ve acclimated to certain levels of trauma, even within the past year, that I do not know how to unwind/recover from. I don’t think that these things are related. Just that maybe there is a similar mechanism.

I have been grappling with a lot since landing in the Sunny State. But for the first time in months, I have also been able to help others. Helping other friends, feeling like I am a worthwhile human being and feeling like my ideas matter have been making me feel like me again. It’s so painful. But it’s also so joyful.

On Friday I spent most of the day in the Oroenpaz City. There was a large conference that I couldn’t pay to attend but I hung out in the lobby anyway. No one seemed to give a fuck. I caught up with a bunch of people and felt grounded in that.

Among the people I hung out with was a friend named Dr. Bow. I call her this because she always wears a bow in her hair. She reads my blog (shoutout!) and so we delved immediately to the hearts of my issues with TLoTH. Dr. Bow then joined me as I met with my work colleagues to go to lunch. She observed something very astute:

“It’s really nice to let you be the ringleader. I mean, I love having my friends around me but it’s nice to turn that off and go on autopilot.” Dr. Bow and I have similar leadership personalities but instead of competing, we are able to just turn off the Ringleader role and be content when hanging out with the other woman’s “crew.” This possibility is actually extremely wonderful to savor because I know there are other women leaders who I can feel close with but not competitive.

Dr. Bow parted ways and I spent some time with my co-workers. This proved to be very problematic for me. Firstly the two peer-age co-workers hated the city. They pointed out things to hate about it that I would never have thought about let alone consider for any length of time. It felt like personal attacks because this city is one of my cities. My personality is developed from it and other cities like it. There seemed to be some acknowledgement but a dissonance about this linkage with me because the co-workers said things like “I see why you like it” or “It makes me think of you.” I don’t think they intended to, but they were saying more clearly than ever that I am different and they don’t like me because of my difference.

Second, one of my peers informed me that TLoTH offered her a permanent position. We are both in the same intern-ish-but-paid position but now they’ve offered her to stay. She said it in a skirting way, like she’d been hiding it from me for months but she knew I’d have to find out eventually. I felt a lot of envy that this permanent position was offered but also a lot of anger that she was so blatantly favored. She has been there longer and doesn’t ask too many questions like me. I appreciate, to some extent that she’d hid it and wasn’t bragging. But it made me feel worse that I don’t have a Long-Term Plan.

The third issue didn’t really actively happen while I was with the co-workers but rather after. It wasn’t very specific to a moment, but I had this persistent, gut-wrenching terror for the whole afternoon that what happened at TLoTH would happen again in Orodepaz City. I was panic-stricken and horrified that all my friends and loved ones would secretly turn out to hate me. And then sit me down and tell me.

I was afraid of this when I arrived at shul, probably one of the places I feel the most safe in the world. Fortunately, the clergy are sensitive to people who feel out of whack. They must teach “Identify Out-of-Whack Congregants” in clergy school. There is a new Rabbi who gave me some excellent advice about compassion. Then the Cantor arrived (I sang in the choir that night) and I admitted to her my fears. She seemed hurt, almost physically, to hear my pain. She gave me a hug and we sang songs and I eventually felt better.

I went to a late dinner with my Fourth-Cousin-Twice-Removed. We decided this was our relationship because neither of us understands what any of that means but both of us adopted the same person as our Saba (grandfather). He (the “cousin”) is a cool guy with silly hair that makes him look more emo than he is. Good times.

Saturday morning PartnerPenguin went with me to the Greyhound and sent me on my way to Porn Town. PartnerPenguin had planned to see his brother, Human, but those plans fell through. He took me to the bus all the same.

There are some interesting challenges about getting across the Sunny State. You can travel and maximize for cost, time or reliability. Pick two. I usually go for cost and time but this trip I went for cost and reliability. In reality, this means I spent 20 hours of the past 96 in transit. If I count 25 hours of sleep, that’s only 51 hours of awake time for a trip that cost $140. Grump grump grump.

It was actually a completely fabulous-tastic trip. My friend Sleaze in Porn Town hosted a kick-ass metal-ukelele show. This woman is a role model and I am so proud to call her my friend. She is pretty committed to the whole “practice what you preach” deal and lives very authentically within the bounds she has established for herself. I admire that she brought out several artists she liked to the show and then went shopping at their booths afterwards (in addition to LOUDLY telling everyone else to also partake of their wares). She bought out most of one artist’s prints and pins. When the artist expressed that the money from the sales would allow her to eat that week, Sleaze just kept buying and was like “ok, how much is this?” I also bought a pin from this artist (will post a link here if I find one to her other work):

Sleaze and I had some good talks and she was so excited and happy when I explained that I’m married. She also pointed out that my ring looks like a vulva. Now I can’t unsee it.

One thing I love about staying with Sleaze is how many books she has! Last time I read Cunt and that was pretty foundational and fundamental. This time I picked up Come as You Are and now my whole perception of my own sexuality is changing. The part I like the best is finding out that I’m normal. There is nothing wrong with me. And there are words to help me figure out some of my relationship things. The relief of this discovery makes me want to cry happy tears. Additionally, the freedom to just sit quietly and read is a beautiful thing.

Sleaze let me borrow the book and dropped me off at the train. I sure as hell hope my luck with transit continues because I’ve barely made all of the planes trains and automobuses I’ve had to catch.

My next destination was a Quaint Little Gated Suburbia (QLGS) to visit my friend StarStorm. Star was my field partner in class. For those who are not geologists, your field partner is the person you map with and share responsibility of your grade with. We work well together, Star and I. Recently, she had been making a life for herself in China and got what she thought was a minor sprain. It was actually a bunch of icky stuff that needed surgery so now she can’t walk and is staying with her parents in QLGS. Just the thought of any of these things makes me shudder.

I was actually able to find a lot of peace and fulfillment from the trip. I scared/intimidated her parents but they were mature enough to try to get to know me and allowed me to be vulnerable and honest. I felt such gratitude from Star herself. She and I were able to set out some actionable items to abate the crushing isolation that comes with a sudden lack of autonomy. I introduced her to The Fresh Prince, which somehow she missed. We laughed (a lot), we cried and we just simply were. She organized a lovely get together with friends and I (unsurprisingly) stripped and jumped in the ocean. I get cold super easily but for some reason never when I strip and go in the ocean. Maybe it’s feeling safe. Or whale jizz.

I also saw my friend, the Bicoastal Bisexual. We went to the strip mall that approximates as QLGS’s town center. We rolled down a grassy hill (Mabel voice “Yaaaay! Grass!”) and talked about our lives. It’s interesting seeing someone in such a different environment from where you met her. You find out where they made out when they were 15 and the movie theatre they snuck ice cream into. There’s a sense of nostalgia overlain upon otherwise replicate-able suburban box stores. The part I didn’t like was the PetSmart. Too many living things in cages. I did like Pier 1. They have smelly candles now that are fully inauthentic. They are neither smells nor actual candles. They are LEDs with oils named things like “Paradise”. It was silly. The Bicoastal Bisexual is one of the people I talk to frequently on Facebook and she also reads my blog (shoutout!) so it felt like we hadn’t seen each other in a month or so, when in reality it’s been over a year. I do appreciate when social technology can successfully do that.

Anyway, I’m super tired from travelling so I’ll leave you with a song that Sleaze covered because I can’t find the recording of her doing it. Yay, this song!

A Hannukah Miracle: A Glimpse of Mental Health Stability

Hello Friends.

Thank you for being so patient. With me. With my antics. With my depression. With my very grown-up tendencies to wear a panda snuggie and slippers to a movie theatre. I am a proud Hufflepuff, suck it Gryffindor.

As we plug along in the festival of “Keep the Drapes Far from the Menorah!!” some Jews reflect on past miracles. I’d much rather reflect on present ones and let others rehash tales of bygone sieges.

My current miracle is that I feel well. Not 100%, but maybe like… 75-80%. I’ve been coasting and bumping along between 20-40% for the past months and 10% since the fiasco at work two weeks ago. So 75% is passing like a boss.  There are several contributing factors so I will document them because maybe they will help bring me back to this when I’m back at 10%.

Physical Activities

By far, the most successful thing that’s made me feel better overall has been increasing the amount of physical activity. However, this is also probably the most difficult thing for me to do. I have so many mental obstacles before I actually do something; I think that’s part of the appeal of derby. There are established times for me to show up and that’s all I have to do. At practice on Friday I skated 27 laps as one of the first things I did back on skates. But it was so worth it to receive praise from everyone afterward! I freaking love praise. It’s the shit.

My bike is operational again (yay!) so I tried biking to work. Mostly successful! I wore my pajamas over my skinnyjeans-which was probably not a great decision since the Midget Mafia (those responsible for all bike-related bruises in the shin area) tore them up. But they kept my legs warm-ish. I wore some leather work-gloves and a bandana under my helmet. It was still 25 degrees so I was pretty cold. But I biked to work and back. Next time: tights under not skinnyjeans.

On Saturday I texted a work acquaintance to see if she’d like to go ice-skating with me. She said no but would I like to go for a short hike instead. I know the law of improv is “Yes, and…” but sometimes the law of making someone struggling with making friends is “No, but let’s do this instead.” The thing I was most proud about this hike is that it was completely dark before we got back to the road and I didn’t have a panic attack. Yay! Then she made soba soup and we bemoaned the lack of dim sum in this state. Seriously, if you live in a place that has dim sum, go eat some for me. Oh damnit now I’m hungry.

Side note: I have this co-worker who I eat lunch with almost every day. She has this really amazing knack of making me hungry while I’m eating. Like, I have a perfectly lovely meal in front of me. I’m enjoying it immensely. And then she tells me about something fondu-ed in cheese or schnitzeled and I’m more hungry that I was when I started. It’s impressive.

Ok…where was I. Oh yes. I miss food I don’t have to cook.

After soup I went home and got ready for the first (that I’d heard about) DJ’d party in TLoTH. There is a little bar/co-op deal with beers that are stronger than they ought to be. I started going there more often during my play because a cast-mate and I usually grabbed drinks after rehearsals. But they entered into the big-leagues this weekend by actually locating and booking a real DJ! Ok, so it was a 19-year-old kid with rich parents, but honestly I didn’t care. He was pretty decent. And shockingly... people danced! Initially there was just me and some other women on the floor. Then this one really charismatic dude broke it down and BAM! Dance floor full.

Everyone is always more attractive when they dance (even badly) but I have to pause for a moment and acknowledge that there was a man who looked EXACTLY like Captain America. He had the chiseled Chris Evans face with the leather jacket. I really wanted to go over to him and say “I’m team Cap, 100%” but finally decided that would be too creepy so I didn’t. On another bright side, I now know who my co-workers are dating (spoiler alert, it’s not quite each other). I love dancing and someone made sure I drank beer so I danced without inhibitions. Also, I wore my new(ish) corset because I don’t wear it enough and I was feelin’ it on Saturday. It was remarkably comfortable to dance in! Now I remember that I bought it for back support, not just to be sexy. But being sexier is an added bonus. Contemplating wearing it to work, loosely tied.

Speaking of backs…

Medical

I saw a chiropractor today. Turns out the chiro I’d seen before was a fru-fru kind of chiro and this lady was all business. She cracked me a lot. Except my hips. My hips are crooked and stubborn. Though she made me remember that fru-fru-chiro once replaced my femur in my hip socket because it had been chillin’ outside of the socket for a while. Who knows how long. WHY BODY? A friend recently likened my body to the city of Kuwait: beautiful on the outside but the infrastructure sucks.

Relationship

Without going into the content, PartnerPenguin and I have been having a series of remarkably difficult conversations. I super applaud and love him for allowing himself moments of complete honesty and true vulnerability. In my opinion, there is nothing more sexy than a man I love being honest emotionally with me. We have an excellent relationship, but the distance has shown light into some of the holes and they are rather larger than I originally thought. That in and of itself it painful to acknowledge, but mending the holes is more painful. But that’s why we’re so creative. Feeling optimistic and grounded about my relationship is a major contributor to my increased mental health.

Work

I have been inventing a new thing at work. I have been working with a new team for this project. The scientists on this team are letting me pretty creative with how we approach the problem. I got to sew at work. The thing I sewed didn’t work, but that’s OK! It was just an idea. But then I had a couple more ideas. Combined with the ideas of other team members, we are working towards a solution.

Ironically, I’m doing mechanical engineering. Lol. Geologists, what will you come up with next.

Of everything I’ve done at the TLoTH, I hope this eventually comes out to the world at large. If it works, it will become scaled industrially and that would be hella cool if my name was on a manufacturing procedure. It’s also OK if it doesn’t, it’s been a fun project.

In other work news: I used our X-Ray machine so much I burnt out the tube. This happens in science.

Social

I think one of the proudest thing I did this week was I had guests over for Light Candelabra Festival. Due to some hilarious miscommunication, the original friend who asked me to make latkes never showed up on Sunday. But I was really glad I’d invited the two friend-moms that I had. I felt for one of the few time in this town that I could let go if I needed to. I clearly communicated that I was not feeling well mental health-wise (this was hours after the difficult discussion with ParterPenguin) and they respected it. We talked about it, in a productive manner. I felt like they cared and I mattered. It was beautiful.

Monday was also latke night, with the friend who originally requested it. She’s pretty awesome and radically accepting too.

FRY POTATOES AND EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ALL AROUND!!

The following were brought to you by the letter hey. The friendliest, but most shy of all letters because it’s usually silent but says “ha” when it decides to talk.

So this exists: 

And so does this: