PeopleKeeper 2-A Follow Up

Hey all,

I finally got a half-day off and thought it was time to write down some of the thoughts bouncing around in my mind. The technical term for this is idea saltation. It’s a term that I’ve just made up. ::Eddie Izzard voice:: And I’m backing it up with…this geology license I hope to get.

So here is my view for writing today:

This is actually my reality, I can't believe it sometimes.

 It’s cool and windy and mostly clear out, I’ve got a box of Girl Scout cookies and a lot of sunlight left so buckle up because I’m sure this will be a wild ride.

 

A recent photo of me, ready made for a by-line

In the past seven months (whoosh, that went by right quick) I have been working at a job I love with fascinating people whom I am happy to hang out with for a drink after work. My office works with other offices all over the country so I get to meet folks with very different backgrounds and skill sets than my own. My current work priorities for personal development on the job are:

• ·      Consistent demeanor-keeping the same quality and frequency of communication regardless of what’s happening in my personal or personal-professional life (eg. deadlines).
• ·      Learning how to actually talk to anyone- a misnomer that a lot of my friends have is that I can strike up a conversation with anyone. While this has proved true for most of the circles I have waltzed between in my life, it’s not the case across the board. Specifically: I have been learning how to interact with military personnel better. I have a lot of inherited trauma around military folks, through no fault of the people who passed it on, yet it still remains. It so happens that the branch of military my grandfather (who was an abusive ass) served is the same branch that I work with regularly for my job.
• ·     Communication!- Deadlines, expectations, duration of work, intensity of work, boundaries around topics that I feel OK talking about, boundaries when topics I don’t feel OK talking about.
• ·      Programming-I’m finally learning how to code in Python. Because it just seems like a better idea than doing everything manually. I’ve also become significantly more proficient in Microsoft Excel, which has eased some of my pain. And I mean literal pain, my ergo situation is ever-evolving and not close to being pain-free. Despite being an A+ couch potato, it seems being sedentary is not easy for me.

So that’s what I’m working on. It’s hard. I won’t pretend or assume it’s anything but hard.

In the past 7 months I’ve thought a lot about my relationships and how they are interwoven into my mental health. I work A Lot™, my availability in general has decreased, possibly a hundredfold from my availability when I was unemployed. During my unemployment I focused a lot on building relationships; strengthening, deepening, evaluating, asking a lot, giving back a lot, building my friends up, letting my friends support me.

Between personality and circumstance, I’ve always been in touch with A Lot™ of people. Once my therapist asked me to make a map so she could keep up with all the people I talked about. I got to several hundred people in visual format similar to a force directed diagram before I gave up. This was at least 3 years before Facebook. I remember people’s names, their faces, their stories, their joys, and their pain. Especially when I’m rested and focused like I was during my unemployment. Now that I’m fully employed, I don’t have the bandwidth that I used to and I’m noticing that I’m not as capable of managing all the relationships.

On top of my proving period (about 5 months of nearly back to back travel) being physically and emotionally challenging, I took on another challenge: get the first part of my geology licensure. The department of Professional Geologists in the Golden State are trying to mimic the process the Engineers have laid out. I’m certain it also behooves the geologists because it gets them more money. What this means for me, the SaraBe, is that I can take a $500 test now (3 years out of school) and then take another $500 test in 3 more years so that I can sign legal documents. The only study material available is not only boring: it’s badly written, incorrect more times than is acceptable, out of touch and really poor at explaining how to pivot one’s background in academia into industry. I am going to write a competing study guide and publish it when I have my license in 3-5 years. Testing for competence shouldn’t be an endurance test in masochism.

In order to achieve this goal of studying and taking my exam (which I took this morning) I have shifted around my life a lot. This shifting, as with all my shifts, has led me to evaluate my relationships, and check in with where I was a year(ish) ago when I wrote my PeopleKeeper post. I’m going to break out the types of relationships I’ve seen evolve in the past year, moving from negative to positive. Unsurprisingly, there will be a playlist for these categories so be sure to click on links for music. (In addition to my regular play list for the blog at large.)

Brief content warning: mention of rape and stalking. Click this if you want to skip that.

Contact Severed

Only a couple people from my original list (or people who weren’t on the list but existed regularly in my life) were people who I actively severed contact with.

One of them was accused of being a serial rapist. I was not close with this person, I had no direct involvement in these allegations and I did not follow what/if the resolution on this series of events was. I know this person was an active organizer whose parties I occasionally attended but it wasn’t difficult for me to fade from that scene when I was on the road 70% of the time. The whole affair was triggering for me as I was much more intimately involved in something similar when I was 13 so I noped out pretty hard pretty quick.

The other person was someone whose friendship had always been exhausting for me but over the past couple years it built up to the point where they were stalking me. This is someone who I cannot avoid completely because they attend my synagogue but the leadership of the shul took care of the situation in as much as they could. This was extremely difficult for me because there were weeks where I couldn’t attend services because I just had panic attacks. PartnerPenguin was amazing in taking care of me and making sure I left when I needed to leave and breathed as much as I could. Mega props to the current leadership body for listening to me, taking me seriously and treating the situation with gravity.

The Somebodies I Used To Know

This category is a little less cut and dry from my previous category and it’s probably the category I struggle the most with. These are not people who have acutely wronged me, just more…death by a thousand paper cuts. A lot of my biological relatives are in this category. People who have occasionally made my swear allegiance or loyalty but who have never actually been interested in me as a person.

An illustration of this kind of person was someone whom I hadn’t seen in months and we finally spend much of an evening together. They asked me how I was doing and I spent care and energy into responding how was drowning in work but they were important to me so I carved out an evening to spend with them. Throughout the evening they then asked me three more times how I was doing, closing out the evening with “we should catch up some time.” This was painful, but ultimately it made me realize that listening to me was not a priority for this person and there was nothing I could do about it.

Standard Partiers

I like to grow my friendships in predominately 1:1 settings, often revolving around food, often at my house. My relationship bonds strengthen best during long-ish periods of unstructured or semi-structured time together, so I try to create such spaces. Some people like to maintain their relationships through parties (usually >10 people), touching base periodically and superficially. I am happy to attend these parties but I’ve learned that I’m not going to bank on the friendships I cultivate in these spaces to be deep enough for strong emotional support unless I supplement them with other types of interactions.

Don't get me wrong. I love partying. I just don't expect to do most of my heavy lifting in my friendships in this context. 

Neutral

Several people who I had on my PeopleKeeper list interact with their relationships in a way that I had not understood previous to trying this experiment: their partner performs most of the friendship maintenance. I have seen several pairings of people who do this. The level of emotional labor expected by society, usually on women, to maintain relationships, plan free time and keep house to have friends over shines through when I have tried to maintain friendships with people whose partner does a lot of their emotional labor. I have trouble getting in touch with some of these people. One person appeared randomly back in my life after 3 years of no contact because they were in a relationship and just…didn’t keep in touch with any of their friends. Even with my best friends, I have sometimes given up on being friends with their spouses because they just don’t put any work into being my friend in return and assume their partner will maintain that bond. But usually when I show up in person they listen to me so they are neutral to me.

Everything’s Easy/The Simcha (Joy) Bringers

I have several communities right now that I participate in regularly given the locational availability and energy level.

The first is my weekly gaming group who meet the host’s home, and usually have 10 people or less per event. We have dinner together and there is always SaraSafe food (no nightshades) even if means the host makes a separate meal just for me. Sometimes it’s tacos (we gather on Tuesday, after all) and sometimes it’s sous-vide pork cheek or <three-stroke meat engine> that have cooked for at least 12 hours. Sometimes I participate in games like <Colors, Fucking Colors>, sometimes I don’t. And it’s always OK. Everyone sees each other weekly so we generally know what’s going on in each others lives. It’s friendship on easy mode.

One thing that’s great about this group is that the two people who host recently got married and I got to see for the first time a wedding that reflected something much closer to what I want in a wedding ceremony (we’ll have one someday, I swear). The bridal party was not split by bride and groom because everyone was everyone’s friend. The women wore dresses and the men wore suits and everyone was color matched and lovely in that formality. The vows were said in a “yes, and” fashion: the bridge said one line and the groom responded “I’ll do that and this additional thing”. The officient was a friend and he made no presumption of having God involved (which worked, for this crowd). After the bride and groom exchanged vows, the audience was invited to vow to support the couple. I really liked that.

I was so full of joy and love that I cried the whole night. In fact I cried so much that salt crystals formed on my eyes:

I cried myself some minerals!

Other communities I have in this category are my shul, my other regular gaming groups, and the friends I see rarely but spend time with intensely throughout the year. And of course, my travel buddies. In the past couple years I’ve brought my “states visited” count up to 23. Here are some photos from some of the more recent trips:

The great and powerful Mississippi River

....yes....

American Victoria Falls

Buddy, your soul is supposed to stay inside your body. So's your skeleton.

Crappy quality but I did see the Northern Lights

Just a pup in -10°F being OK with life.

With the national political situation, my job being as intense as it is and interfacing with my own and my friends mental illnesses it feels extraordinarily good to have good friends and celebrate happy events. It reminds me that there is balance and that this past year has been net good.

Found Family

The best thing about being a queer adult is that the concept of Found Family is understood and, while not ubiquitous, is prevalent. My little group of new family are the people whom I can be around, no matter how we’re feeling and it’s OK that we’re not entertaining or happy. We can just be. It’s extremely freeing to have multiple people with whom I can just be my complete self.

I had a lot of negative experiences growing up where I was told that we were having family time and that would mean we would “have fun, damnit.” I think sometimes when I reflect on the nuclear family I had growing up that none of us understood how to be there for each other in the ways we needed to be supported. Instead there was a lot of shame and at time coercion to “act like we liked each other” instead of genuinely liking each other.

The intentionality I’ve brought to my new family folks is that when you’re in my found family you’re in as your whole self. That’s hard and takes a lot of work on all parties involved, so there are only a few people who hold this place in my life. I think one of the most important conversations I ever had was with someone who holds me in found family status and they explained that I had committed a transgression serious enough to cut ties unless I made swift and lasting change to my behavior. Having this conversation allowed me to see that just because this category exists, it doesn’t mean that abuse or bad behavior has to be tolerated.

A surprise for me in this past year is how big of a difference having a found family has made on my spiritual life. I am regularly celebrating smaller Jewish holidays that I’ve never celebrated before because I have the support to do so. We have more conversation around Judaism than I’ve ever had voluntarily in my life. I like the amount of Judaism I’ve worked in and I feel supported to include more if it seems right to do so.

PartnerPenguin

I am happy to announce that PartnerPenguin and I have celebrated our first decade together! 10 whole years of being awesome! The best part about renewing for an 11^th season of this show is that we jumped the shark somewhere in…like…season 2? So there’s nowhere more ridiculous for us to go. We’re still two goofballs with odd senses of humor who make each other laugh every day. We’ve learned to have arguments without putting the foundation of our relationship at stake. We have established that we’re not going anywhere so it’s OK to try new things and get out of our comfort zone. I am proud of us. I was trying to only do two comparison photos but then I did 4. GIANT, PHOTO LADEL BLOG POST FOR ALL!

Casual then-shirts read Feztival (2002) and Vader was Framed

Even our casual now looks like we're about to drop an emo album

Fancy then-Rockin' that Moulin Rouge themed Prom

Yeah, basically still rockin' the same theme with no prompts

I do hope to have some sort of wedding, probably about 3 years from now on the 10^th anniversary of us being married. That seems like enough time to ease into the idea, save, plan and decide what we want the event to be. In the meantime I’ve started wearing a ring that I feel suits me on an everyday basis. I think it looks like it fell out of a mountain and happens to fit my finger. You can decide for youself:

I am really really excited about this

In closing today, I’ll just leave you with Janelle Monae’s “Make Me Feel” or: “I am exactly as bisexual as I thought I was.

Breaking up with Unemployment

Starting this piece, I have no idea whether it’s going to be multiple entries or just a brain dump all at once. Or it could just be really short? We’ll go on this ride together.

The past couple of weeks have been a literal whirlwind of events and emotions which pretty much any Jew could tell you is just what happens in Elul.  Some of the events that have transpired in, let’s be generous and say-the past month:

·      I met one of my favorite authors and she signed the final book of her trilogy with “Hey Sara, you rock” with a picture of a rock 

·      I saw the total solar eclipse.

·      I got invited to a family reunion by some folks I met on the train en route to the eclipse. Yes. I’m going.

·      I got to see my Brother, who live in the Great North. We had pizza (I customized mine without nightshades), it was epic.

·      I house sat for nearly 3 weeks and got to hang out with some really cool animals.

·      I got to take the dog on lots of hikes 

·      I was offered a job that is PG track and in the Key Route City (at least part time).

·      PartnerPenguin lost his job.

·      My new job offered me to put my name in a hat to do relief work for hurricane damage. I accepted this offer, I do not know yet whether I’ll be chosen.

·      I am not singing in the choir with my synagogue this High Holy Day season due to scheduling conflicts.

·      I bought a new phone and got a new phone number.

·      I cut 16” of hair off.

·      I tried oysters and snails.

·      We got PartnerPenguin’s dad’s old van so I have a car to commute to work.

In short: the routine for my life I had about 4 weeks ago is no longer a routine I have. Much of my emotional struggle right focuses around the grief of routine loss, in some way or another. Humans are creatures of habit and boy oh boy is it uncomfortable when our habits all change permanently and irrevocably. But that’s how we get stronger.

While I am experiencing a lot of change, I am also celebrating a milestone of steadfastness in my life:

I have lived in the Golden State for 10 years. Happy decade to me!!

My decadal celebration and my embarking on a new professional journey are very related in my mind. Ten years ago I left the home I grew up in and all the people I ever knew and cared about. 98% of people in my life stopped talking to me, including most of my biological family. Some of that was my doing, some of it wasn’t. The 2% of people who continued to talk to me did so mostly to use me for my emotional labor of helping them process their emotions. Almost no one helped me process my own life’s implosion. In fact, I was actually lectured by the people I lived with for being honest to my therapist at the time for “telling lies” about them. So my processing of the trauma in my life had to go completely underground and I pretend it wasn’t happening. This…did not help.

This has left an indelible mark on how I perceive human interactions to happen. My emotion brain is convinced that no matter how much people appear to care about me, there will always be an event that they abruptly stop interacting with me and cut me out of their life with no remorse or regret. This is incredibly painful to admit. But I have built into the framework of every relationship I’ve formed that things will end, they will probably be my fault, and I will be alone again. It’s left me believing that unconditional love doesn’t exist.

So I have worked a lot to figure out the conditions under which love does exist. This has actually been very helpful to figure out boundaries. I have had some really good role models like Mama Bear who once told me which behaviors I was doing were unacceptable instead of just cutting me out of her life without explanation. That was one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had, but also one of the most productive. It allowed me to see that, provided I tried to change my behavior (which I am capable of doing) I would not be cut off from the support I receive.

I usually don’t bring up this particularly cynical view of the world but I feel that it’s become increasingly relevant with impending enormous changes in my life. I fear that I will lose most of my friends with a changing schedule.

I have started to share this set of fears with some of my friends IRL and also electronically. Many have been like “don’t be an idiot, we’re here for you.” Which is exactly what I needed to hear. And what I will continue to need to hear. There are a couple reasons why I don’t full believe everyone when they say it, but I really need to hear it as often as people are willing to say it.

Reason 1 why I think my social world is ending: Time

This past year I have spent an EXTRAORDINARY amount of time focusing on relationships. I had the time. I had the space. I had the spoons. I had the resources. It was one of the most amazing years of luxury and privilege I’ve had in my life. Unlike previous years where I had this amount of resources (like when I was a child) I was actually able to appreciate my privilege. I knew I would have a meal over my head and a roof to eat. Wait, strike that. Reverse it. :P

The thing is, I set out an extremely rigorous set of goals for myself to stay in touch with people. I wrote my PeopleKeeper experiment and then committed to it. I would say that it was an 80% success. I entered all of the people from the weekly, bi-weekly and monthly lists into my calendar and have generally stuck to the schedule I set myself. The quarterly people…not so much because I didn’t actually put them in my calendar. Lesson learned. I live and love by my cellular communicator.

Even though this isn’t 80% of the people on the list, I call it 80% successful because this intentional friendship thing has deepened and strengthened relationships like no other experiment I’ve ever tried in my life. Opportunities have opened like never before and there I was to accept them. I’ve travelled thousands of miles, laughed, cried and held my friends all over the country and had positive experiences I could never have even dreamed possible.

The first reality of this new job is that it is going to take a lot of TIME. My first week is in a training location that is 1 hour from Key Route City, if there’s no traffic. And there’s almost guaranteed to be traffic. So my options then become: try to drive for 2 hours each direction each day or try to find a spot to crash closer to the training location. We’ll see. The van should be big enough for a sleeping pad, worst comes to worst.

Anyway, this is just the first week and I’m only going to bill 40 hours worked. Assuming I don’t get chosen to do hurricane relief, I plan to have 40-hour weeks while I’m in the office. 16 of my billing hours will be in a place 1 hour away from Key Route City. Again, estimated without traffic which can double driving times If I commute both days, which puts my time spent at work+commute to 44 hours, with no traffic.

In the field, however, things will be different. From all the networking I’ve done, I have set the expectation that field work for entry level geologists can often involve 12 hour days. Fieldwork might also involve travel so this will effectively mean a week or two off the grid at least every quarter. Hurricane relief work could be several months long, depending if I’m chosen and which project I’m chosen to participate in.

Keep in mind: this is what I want. I very knowingly signed up for this. This job is exactly what I asked for. This is exactly how I continue on my professional path forward as a Professional Geologist.

I will be signing up for the Geologist in Training (the pre-test to the license that’s $450) in November so I can take it in Spring 2018. Eventually I’ll need to study for it.

I still plan on making jam with Queen of Strawbs and keeping my space in the community kitchen I’ve rented at least until December. I committed to three months to see if the business goes anywhere, I’m hardly someone who backs down from her commitments easily. Or breaks contracts…lol. I haven’t made a website yet but maybe that might be a thing to do so I can handle customer flow online without having to keep that in my cognitive load. But I haven’t even figured out when the next batch of jam is to be made so I’ll get there when I get there.

Oh! I made a new flavor too! I’m excited to see if it scales. It’s blueberry based and is a really nice compliment to my strawberry jam which is very much like “HELLO HOW ARE YOU WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO ACCOMPLISH TODAY.” The blueberry jam is much more “Good morning dear. Have some peaceful contemplation with your breakfast. You are wonderful.”

The other thing that could happen is that I’m being considered to give a presentation in the UK in October. If that happens, that will also eat about 3-5 hours/week. It may not happen because I just don’t know if I can make that kind of time commitment.

But all of this boils down to the very real issue that I just will not continue to have the time for all of my relationships. I do not know how I’m going to handle this. I am still working on it.

Reason 2 why I think my social world is ending: Location

As briefly mentioned in my previous point: I accepted working part time in a location that is quite far from my primary residence in Key Route City. I am already looking into getting a part-time residence up in that area, maybe with someone who wants to AirBnB their place on weekends but would be ok with me bunking there twice a week.

This cuts the amount of time I can physically see my friends by 2/7ths. Reduction of in-person time with friends is an issue a lot of people experience in their mid-late 20s. Somehow in the past year I have actually increased the amount of casual social interactions I’ve had. PartnerPenguin and I go to a gaming group once a week where we play board games and schmooze. We also have a weekly “Family dinner” where we have dinner once a week with at least one friend. Sometimes we have dinner with the Bears instead.

I need to also keep Date Night with PartnerPenguin because the two of us need to actually see each other for our relationship to work out. Date night is not often an actual date, just a time in our schedule where we can spend together and talk and make food sometimes.

If I live in a different part of the area 2/7 nights a week I will lose a lot of the casual and low maintenance ways that I interact with many of my friends.

Also having a distant location will put a strain on my ability to commit to certain things and see certain people. Obviously my answer will be to go be gregarious and make oodles of new friends. But that is also time consuming. I will live.

Reason 3 why I think my social world is ending: Mental Illness

Hey! Now it’s time to talk about something uncomfortable! Yaaay. :{

A big thing that I have discovered from the way that I’ve interacted over the past year is that a lot of my friends are very happy to hear from me—but they are also incapable of “picking up the phone”, so to speak. Automating my reaching out has helped me with my own depression and anxiety (it has generally helped, no system is perfect) and interacting with people has helped even more. Having the opt-in of figuring out how to not feel alone when I’ve feel alone has been magnificent.

It turns out that mental illness is concurrent with a lot of other things I like in my friends: like intelligence and interesting personalities. I haven’t done a survey but like….a lot of my friends have some kind of mental illness, or have struggled with one over the course of our friendship. (Cue Chili Peppers) They have certainly been there through my struggles with my mental illnesses as well so no one is perfect or blameless here.

However: My being the one to pick up the phone, open the FB messenger, send that text, is often how our relationship continues. I am afraid of losing most of these relationships. If your internal wiring prevents you from doing things you love like contacting your friends, I can’t help you change that. And if I’m not initiating contact all the time, I will probably lose your friendship as a casualty.

I feel these relationships have come very far in my setting boundaries around emotional labor and I don’t want that to change. This has been a big deal for me, to even know I could set those kinds of boundaries.

This change is really really really distressing to me. I grieve losing friendships almost more harshly than I grieve the dead. I feel helpless that I can’t change the situation. I feel angry and upset that precious relationships will be lost.

I don’t know if there is any way to solve this problem.

*  *  *

Anyway, to close out I’ll share this song because it’s just so preposterous in is heteronormative machismo.  But so catchy! "The Man" by The Killers

And I feel like no summer (farewell, my favorite season) is complete without this song and eating LOTS of grilled peaches. This video is so preposterous and 90's!! "Peaches" by The Presidents of the United States of America

Where People Love You the Most

Is there such a thing as a trauma treadmill? I’ve been reading about and experiencing the hedonic treadmill. If you’re not familiar: it’s when you acclimate to certain levels of comfort and that becomes your baseline, leaving you wanting more. Being a very poor college student for a very long time, my medium-well paying job has put me in a new level of treadmill. I feel a bit revolted but also a bit proud of myself that I bought a backpacking backpack. But I also feel like I’ve acclimated to certain levels of trauma, even within the past year, that I do not know how to unwind/recover from. I don’t think that these things are related. Just that maybe there is a similar mechanism.

I have been grappling with a lot since landing in the Sunny State. But for the first time in months, I have also been able to help others. Helping other friends, feeling like I am a worthwhile human being and feeling like my ideas matter have been making me feel like me again. It’s so painful. But it’s also so joyful.

On Friday I spent most of the day in the Oroenpaz City. There was a large conference that I couldn’t pay to attend but I hung out in the lobby anyway. No one seemed to give a fuck. I caught up with a bunch of people and felt grounded in that.

Among the people I hung out with was a friend named Dr. Bow. I call her this because she always wears a bow in her hair. She reads my blog (shoutout!) and so we delved immediately to the hearts of my issues with TLoTH. Dr. Bow then joined me as I met with my work colleagues to go to lunch. She observed something very astute:

“It’s really nice to let you be the ringleader. I mean, I love having my friends around me but it’s nice to turn that off and go on autopilot.” Dr. Bow and I have similar leadership personalities but instead of competing, we are able to just turn off the Ringleader role and be content when hanging out with the other woman’s “crew.” This possibility is actually extremely wonderful to savor because I know there are other women leaders who I can feel close with but not competitive.

Dr. Bow parted ways and I spent some time with my co-workers. This proved to be very problematic for me. Firstly the two peer-age co-workers hated the city. They pointed out things to hate about it that I would never have thought about let alone consider for any length of time. It felt like personal attacks because this city is one of my cities. My personality is developed from it and other cities like it. There seemed to be some acknowledgement but a dissonance about this linkage with me because the co-workers said things like “I see why you like it” or “It makes me think of you.” I don’t think they intended to, but they were saying more clearly than ever that I am different and they don’t like me because of my difference.

Second, one of my peers informed me that TLoTH offered her a permanent position. We are both in the same intern-ish-but-paid position but now they’ve offered her to stay. She said it in a skirting way, like she’d been hiding it from me for months but she knew I’d have to find out eventually. I felt a lot of envy that this permanent position was offered but also a lot of anger that she was so blatantly favored. She has been there longer and doesn’t ask too many questions like me. I appreciate, to some extent that she’d hid it and wasn’t bragging. But it made me feel worse that I don’t have a Long-Term Plan.

The third issue didn’t really actively happen while I was with the co-workers but rather after. It wasn’t very specific to a moment, but I had this persistent, gut-wrenching terror for the whole afternoon that what happened at TLoTH would happen again in Orodepaz City. I was panic-stricken and horrified that all my friends and loved ones would secretly turn out to hate me. And then sit me down and tell me.

I was afraid of this when I arrived at shul, probably one of the places I feel the most safe in the world. Fortunately, the clergy are sensitive to people who feel out of whack. They must teach “Identify Out-of-Whack Congregants” in clergy school. There is a new Rabbi who gave me some excellent advice about compassion. Then the Cantor arrived (I sang in the choir that night) and I admitted to her my fears. She seemed hurt, almost physically, to hear my pain. She gave me a hug and we sang songs and I eventually felt better.

I went to a late dinner with my Fourth-Cousin-Twice-Removed. We decided this was our relationship because neither of us understands what any of that means but both of us adopted the same person as our Saba (grandfather). He (the “cousin”) is a cool guy with silly hair that makes him look more emo than he is. Good times.

Saturday morning PartnerPenguin went with me to the Greyhound and sent me on my way to Porn Town. PartnerPenguin had planned to see his brother, Human, but those plans fell through. He took me to the bus all the same.

There are some interesting challenges about getting across the Sunny State. You can travel and maximize for cost, time or reliability. Pick two. I usually go for cost and time but this trip I went for cost and reliability. In reality, this means I spent 20 hours of the past 96 in transit. If I count 25 hours of sleep, that’s only 51 hours of awake time for a trip that cost $140. Grump grump grump.

It was actually a completely fabulous-tastic trip. My friend Sleaze in Porn Town hosted a kick-ass metal-ukelele show. This woman is a role model and I am so proud to call her my friend. She is pretty committed to the whole “practice what you preach” deal and lives very authentically within the bounds she has established for herself. I admire that she brought out several artists she liked to the show and then went shopping at their booths afterwards (in addition to LOUDLY telling everyone else to also partake of their wares). She bought out most of one artist’s prints and pins. When the artist expressed that the money from the sales would allow her to eat that week, Sleaze just kept buying and was like “ok, how much is this?” I also bought a pin from this artist (will post a link here if I find one to her other work):

Sleaze and I had some good talks and she was so excited and happy when I explained that I’m married. She also pointed out that my ring looks like a vulva. Now I can’t unsee it.

One thing I love about staying with Sleaze is how many books she has! Last time I read Cunt and that was pretty foundational and fundamental. This time I picked up Come as You Are and now my whole perception of my own sexuality is changing. The part I like the best is finding out that I’m normal. There is nothing wrong with me. And there are words to help me figure out some of my relationship things. The relief of this discovery makes me want to cry happy tears. Additionally, the freedom to just sit quietly and read is a beautiful thing.

Sleaze let me borrow the book and dropped me off at the train. I sure as hell hope my luck with transit continues because I’ve barely made all of the planes trains and automobuses I’ve had to catch.

My next destination was a Quaint Little Gated Suburbia (QLGS) to visit my friend StarStorm. Star was my field partner in class. For those who are not geologists, your field partner is the person you map with and share responsibility of your grade with. We work well together, Star and I. Recently, she had been making a life for herself in China and got what she thought was a minor sprain. It was actually a bunch of icky stuff that needed surgery so now she can’t walk and is staying with her parents in QLGS. Just the thought of any of these things makes me shudder.

I was actually able to find a lot of peace and fulfillment from the trip. I scared/intimidated her parents but they were mature enough to try to get to know me and allowed me to be vulnerable and honest. I felt such gratitude from Star herself. She and I were able to set out some actionable items to abate the crushing isolation that comes with a sudden lack of autonomy. I introduced her to The Fresh Prince, which somehow she missed. We laughed (a lot), we cried and we just simply were. She organized a lovely get together with friends and I (unsurprisingly) stripped and jumped in the ocean. I get cold super easily but for some reason never when I strip and go in the ocean. Maybe it’s feeling safe. Or whale jizz.

I also saw my friend, the Bicoastal Bisexual. We went to the strip mall that approximates as QLGS’s town center. We rolled down a grassy hill (Mabel voice “Yaaaay! Grass!”) and talked about our lives. It’s interesting seeing someone in such a different environment from where you met her. You find out where they made out when they were 15 and the movie theatre they snuck ice cream into. There’s a sense of nostalgia overlain upon otherwise replicate-able suburban box stores. The part I didn’t like was the PetSmart. Too many living things in cages. I did like Pier 1. They have smelly candles now that are fully inauthentic. They are neither smells nor actual candles. They are LEDs with oils named things like “Paradise”. It was silly. The Bicoastal Bisexual is one of the people I talk to frequently on Facebook and she also reads my blog (shoutout!) so it felt like we hadn’t seen each other in a month or so, when in reality it’s been over a year. I do appreciate when social technology can successfully do that.

Anyway, I’m super tired from travelling so I’ll leave you with a song that Sleaze covered because I can’t find the recording of her doing it. Yay, this song!